Last night we once again argued. It’s been more frequent than usual, and I know it irritates him. Me too, but I had a feeling he thinks that it’s my fault. And indeed, he confirmed last night after a silly little bicker session.
I am on the rag, and we haven’t had sex for four days now, and that SUCKS, for the both of us. He’s said that maybe he wouldn’t masturbate and take a break from it, which made me so happy as I felt like they made things more equal. I came home twenty minutes before him last night and he came in catching me trying to quickly make him a dinner. He was so happy and we were both happy. I went to the gym for an hour and came home around one at night, so he could play some Madden and fantasy football and be alone. I had said that I was maybe ‘wink wink’ going to “treat” him (Meaning blow job) as I felt that he deserved it, holding out. When I came home I started rubbing him down with baby oil, and I could instantly tell that his penis didn’t react as fast as usual. As I started putting it in my mouth and doing my thing, it slowly got harder, and I asked if he had been naughty while I was away. And he admitted that he had.
I just got so annoyed, I was exhausted, and I didn’t want to give him a fucking Blow job if he had already jerked off! It’s not like I was going to get laid or get any oral pleasure myself. So I said ‘forget about it,’ and went over to the water cooler to drink. And he understandably got kind of pissed off. He was all rolling his eyes and saying this and that, and I sat down and tried to explain. I am sorry I just don’t really fancy doing it right now, I could tell, it took longer, which means harder work for me! And he said that he couldn’t BELIEVE that he was frowned upon for masturbating. I tried to say that it’s not what I meant, It was the build up and the expectation and me giving him a treat, and me feeling like he ruined that somehow. And as we were talking I could feel closer to a solution, but then he uttered the words; “Here we are again… two o clock in the morning, having a fight.”
He was saying two different things, that he was okay and relaxed and he didn’t want to talk about it anymore, and on the other hand he said that it was ME who kept arguing at night, that he thought that I just got that way late at night, that I took things more personally. He basically implied that All the late night arguments were all my fault. I said that, well, this doesn’t make me feel very good, and I don’t think that’s true either. We are TWO human beings, it’s a two edged sword, but he insisted that it was me, it was my problem. This really upset me, and I threw the baby oil bottle hard into the floor in an angry outburst, quickly picked it up and brought it to the bathroom and sobbed. I got myself together, wiped off my face, came back out and apologized. “I’m sorry I overreacted about the masturbation, I am sorry we are arguing late at night again, and I am sorry that I threw the bottle.” He didn’t say anything. NOTHING. He turned on ’22 jump street’ just like planned. And I asked him to pause it after a while. He paused it and looked at me obliviously. ‘Do have anything to say yet?’ ‘Not now no.’ And he walked passively and annoyed over to the bed and put on his “Im so tired” face. And he said, “Well.. maybe we’re NOT right.” (!!!!!!)
“I can’t go on like this, you are just bringing up these arguments late at night, all the time, it’s happening all the time. And it wears me down.” “It wears ME down too! I am exhausted! And it’s not just me!!! It’s a two way street.” “Yeah.. yeah.. OKay.” He said with an air of “whatever – sarcasm” I wanted to hit him. And my heart was sinking into my bowels as he had said that maybe we weren’t right for each other after all. What did that mean!? He was using threatening language again! And this is on NO way going to improve things using that kind of language. I remained calm and asked, what do you want to do now? And he said he didn’t know and rolled over. I was panicking. I told him that I was going to go for a walk, and I didn’t reach the bottom of our apartment building before I had made my mind up to go and stay with a friend, luckily she was awake. I went back in and started packing. I said that I was going to stay with my friend for tonight and come home the next day to get ready for my big audition. He asked me half-heartedly to stay, and I said that I wouldn’t be able to sleep after what he had said, and I didn’t want to stay here keeping him up. As I walked out the door and down the street, I was sobbing my heart out, wishing that he would come after me, stop me… Wandering, wondering, – is this the beginning of the end?