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For a while now I have felt alone in my faith in myself. I work hard at everything I do, perhaps not so hard at sticking to my diet and working out but, I am trying to make opportunities for myself, as well as paying the bills in a job that I am happy in.

My mother doesn’t get what I do. And my asshole father isn’t in the picture so forget about him. My family are all far away, so I am here, with my husband, and he just doesn’t show any interest in what I do. He doesn’t come to any of the events i facilitate, he doesn’t read my material, he doesn’t ask to. He doesn’t ask to see anything I’ve made, and when I sometimes ask, he’ll reject the offer politely. It might as well has been a rude rejection, it hurts just as much.

Fuck them all.

My mother comes with shitty unsupportive comments, picking me apart, trying to steer me in a different direction, a direction she likes. I’ve gotten better at taking criticism, and sometimes just leaving something alone, when I want to defend myself.

I don’t know why, but despite it all, I believe in myself. I believe I can succeed. Why? Nobody’s telling me I can do it, that I am good enough. Anyone who does is not a constant in my life, or not even that close to me. Should it matter what they think? Does it mean anything? Should it matter what my husband thinks, and my family?

Am I doing it for myself? No. But it would be nice to be with someone who gets it, and who makes me feel like I am doing good, that he is interested, fascinated, that he LIKES it. THAT, makes me think of divorce. To just be alone. Why should I be with someone who doesn’t show that he cares.

Are we still married? Yes.

Purr purr purr

catwoman

I am a Happy Kitty…

Days go by as I constantly work on creating work for myself, going on business meetings with potential clients, cook dinner for my husband, keep the apartment clean, go to classes, go to the gym and lay me down to watch me some movies and enjoy my opportune hours to choose to be lazy instead. I am getting better at laying around a little. I know that I am doing what I can to move things forward, so I don’t feel like I am wasting time or being lazy, and my husband has been in a better mood lately, and supported me in my failures, and cheered me on when I work towards something. I know it’s a 50/50 – Me allowing myself to treat myself (WHILE I CAN) and HIM being supportive and not giving me a jealous and slightly bitter attitude when I have had a nice relaxing day. This enables me to enjoy myself more and not be bitter either, when I do all the wifey housework things that was my nightmare to end up doing ever since I was a little girl, but I’ll do it for HIM. Because I love him, and I want to make things easier for him. That is kind of my contribution as I am not really contributing evenly financially.

Making him a packed lunch for him to pick up after school before work, keep the house clean and tidy so he can come home feeling relaxed and space out in peace. Cook him dinner to come home to at night after a 12 hour long day. Rub his back and sometimes his feet when he is exhausted. Give him a blow job before work, or before school to perk him up. Send him some lovely texts during the day that require no answer. Understanding that some nights after a whole day of school and work, and us not having seen each other, that he’ll not want to hang out, only some sex and cuddling, silence, and leaving him to do his own things, homework, Fantasy football, reading the news, masturbating, playing madden. Some HIM time. Keeping myself busy and happy, so he doesn’t have to worry about entertaining me .

It has gotten a lot better, in the beginning we had been apart in a long distance relationship for almost a year, not seeing each other in the Flesh – at all. Meaning NO SEX for either of us for that whole time, and communicating only via post, email, skype and texts. Our love lasted and grew stronger, and when I finally got here through an excruciating process, leaving my familiar and beloved Europe behind, my family, friends and my plans. For HIM. I wanted every second of the day with him, I wanted to squeeze every second for all the romance and intensity I could get, that I had longed for, that I had waited for. But it didn’t take long for him to start needing more space for himself, which broke my heart. It was a disappointment. I started doubting us. Yeah yeah, people are different, but I think that when you really love someone you’ll want to be with them all the time..bla bla bla…. but after a while, some passionate arguments, fights, I learned and came to accept that we are different, and love each other the same, on the same level, but a little differently. And He didn’t ask for much. He needed to get used to me too, having me there all the time, and me to him, our mood-swings, habits, buttons and laundry detergent. And we did. We do spend a hell of a lot of time together. He always chooses me. Hang out with friends, go out, stay behind at work with his coworkers drinking, -no. He comes home. To me. Cycles happily with the helmet I insisted he’d buy and wear, that makes him look like an idiot. To see, me. To hold me. And THAT’s what I want. It makes me purr.

I am glad and willing to push him out the door to hang out with friends more, and he is so positively surprised when I do. Of course!! Friends are so important. He doesn’t have friends on the level I do, not here, he’s not like me. But his buddies, are nice for him to have, so they can watch sports together and all those typical manly things. And the result is, which also pleases me, he misses me. And when he comes home he’s all over me. And I play casual and hard to get…ahhhh Im so in love! It’s sunday, and I am going to a party with some friends tonight. He’s been up since early this morning to catch every single football game. He’s exhausted from standing (!) in front of the TV, running back and forth to his fantasy football league on his computer all day. Now he’s snoozing away, and I look over at his chunky thighs and meaty buttocks… I love him. And he loves me. We are growing, we are learning, our love… is evolving. And as long as we are as passionate for each other as we are, because that is what this kitty needs, I will never give up.

I should have done the dishes right away

Another luxurious day of getting to do everything I want in my own time. But there is a downside. My husband fell asleep around eleven last night and headed to school this morning. I fell asleep around 5:30 in the morning after a night of worrying about a struggling family member back in home, (where I am not). I woke up at 1:30 pm, and my neck and back was aching. I sent a message to my husband wishing him to continue to have a good day. He responded nicely.

I got a call back from the clinic about my PAP smear and STD test and all is well. Although that blasted nurse needs to change her opening lines, because for a minute there I almost had a panic attack. I texted him that and I felt relief. I went for a swim in the pool, dried off and stretched out on the floor a bit, made his bed, made my bed and looked for his lunch box so I could prepare that for him, as he has a very short time (40 min.) between school and work. I couldn’t find the elastic band holding it together, so I didn’t prepare it. I thought that it wouldn’t be a big deal since he doesn’t expect me to do it. I saw the heap of dishes he had left from this morning and delayed doing it.

I went down got the mail, got another check from my prospected job, (teaching an after school class). I sent them a receipt and filed the check. I can’t use the checks until I’ve got enough applications, if I don’t reach the minimum of interested people, I’m going to have to refund them, so I am kind of nervous about that. My babysitting employer also texted me about a group childcare job, which I JUST missed out on, as the positions were filled really quickly. I felt bummed, and as my husband came home, I updated him.

He had found a Hydro Flask in the library that a guy had left behind, he was there for two hours and the guy never came back. He took it home. I said, dude, wasn’t there a lost and found? Couldn’t you have handed it in? ‘No there wasn’t a lost and found in the library’ But what about the campus somewhere, surely? When you left my glasses in the library someone had handed it in! “Yeah, but the guy didn’t seem to care about the bottle. He just left it there and never came back. He didn’t seem bothered with it.” I quickly gave up and just said, ‘you are hilarious’. Although I disagreed with his choice, But whatever.

He stood by the kitchen area and I said, “Oh I was going to make you lunch but I couldn’t find your elastic band” He found it really quickly and just left it on the counter, saying nothing. Then he started doing the dishes saying; “I’m going to make myself something to eat.” I could tell his mood was bad and I asked if he was ok. Yeah. Did I do something wrong? No. But he ‘wished that it would be available for him to cook’. So I quickly gathered that he was annoyed that I hadn’t done the dishes. I thought of offering to do them, and for him to do something else that he needed to, but I knew he would say no as he had already started. I just sat there a while, watching, feeling bad. Then I moved over to the couch and continued my research end emails.

After a while he said that he was going to get something to eat at work instead. I barely acknowledged him, and he left and we exchanged polite pleasantries. I held the door open for him as he left with his bicycle. I was angry. Way to make me feel inadequate! Jesus. Yeah he is stressed, and I could have made it easier for him by doing the dishes, but god dammit don’t give me that attitude! I’m not here to be your fucking cleaning lady! I HATE This ! I feel so unequal and shitty and I only made the beds and made things look neat so that he would be happy when he came home! I don’t CARE about those things, I’ll do it when I WANT to do it. I am doing this HIS way, (yeah they are more adult and organized) But it’s HIS way so that HE is more comfortable. I was pissed off for a while, and looked at my phone hoping he would send me an apology. Then I changed my mind and texted HIM an apology. Thinking, Don’t make it all about ME. I get to have a nice relaxing day alone, the only thing I really have to do is cook dinner for us.  I texted;

“I’m sorry if I made your transition bad. I’ll make sure to have the dishes done the next time. Hope you got fed well and are feeling better. And sorry that I didn’t see the elastic band. I promise to make you lunch tomorrow. x”

He hasn’t seen it yet. And I’m still feeling shitty THREE hours later. I need to get better at letting things go and enjoying myself. Heeeeeeeeeelp…

Eye drops on my red eyes and rest for the mind

Are we still married?

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I woke up at my friends house way too early after a long night of fretting, crying and talking to my best friend from home on the phone. Viber is a great app. She had calmed me down a hell of a lot, and empathized with me and lulled me to sleep. I woke up with a knot in my stomach. It’s like my brain had been screwed on the whole time, I knew exactly where I was and what had happened as soon as I opened my eyes. I woke up to the sound of silent vibration, and I frantically checked my phone, hoping, terrified that it was him, my husband, saying something loving, instead of anyone else saying anything else.

I looked at my phone, and the breath was kicked out of me as I read messages from my husband; “Are you okay? I miss you.. Can you come home? Please..” “Are you up?” I answered right away, “Yes… I’ll come.” And I walked home in the scorching and bright morning sun, having left my friend a grateful note. I felt calmer, but still unsettled, a little angry. I knew I had acted wrongly, and that I needed to improve, after our little argument that just got out of hand, but I felt wronged too, threatened and exhausted.

As I finally walked through the door, I was instantly greeted by a very worried looking husband. He backed off tentatively as I took my shoes off and put my backpack down. I walked inside and got myself a glass of cold water. We looked at each other, and he said sorry. He hugged me, firmly, nervous and breathed slowly but heavily, while saying “I am so sorry” several times. I had forgotten my phone at my friends place, and I had an important day ahead of me, and I needed my phone, so after we had talked a little, he offered to cycle with me to my friends place, collect my phone and cycle home together for some more hours of sleep. We cycled quietly past the tourists, bright and happy on their way to the beach. When we came home, we were smiling, and carefully moving around each other not saying much.

We laid down on the bed together. He was mild, attentive, and so incredible like he always is when we make up. I hate that it takes something horrible like this to get him into this state. My eyes were Soooo red… Bloodshut, and my hair was frazzled and I was just emotionally and mentally drained. He was tired too, he hadn’t slept very well. I was glad I had left, because I slept a lot better than I would have in our apartment, listening to him snoring.. while I was heartbroken and petrified that we were heading towards a divorce.

I told him that he shouldn’t set conditions for our love, close couples living together argue..! That’s a fact! And in some periods, more than usual. And we are in our FIRST year of marriage, which is HARD. He agreed. I asked him if he truly felt those things he had said, “Maybe we aren’t right.” He said that he didn’t mean it, but he had learned the language from me. That in my scared worried thoughtless ramblings I had uttered similar words of doubt, and this had stuck in his brain. Like I mentioned after that argument in ‘Nighttime sexytime failure’ and discovering that he had used threatening language (“I thought I married a grown up, I didn’t sign up for this…) because I had uttered threatening words first. We agreed that we should be careful with those things, as they only make us less confident and secure with each other. And that we shouldn’t say it unless we REALLY meant it, and that meant that something drastic had to be done. He was very sorry. I had already apologized on the night for my stupid behavior, but what he wanted was a reaction from me that maybe made me realize that I had caused him a lot of stress too, with these night time arguments. (Although that is pretty much the only time we are together – with our schedule.) I asked him if he meant that it was ALL my fault for the arguments. He said “of course not.” And I felt a whole lot better.

We slept… woke up. Smiled at each other. And I just knew… things were okay, and I didn’t need to ponder on things… it is NOT the beginning of the end, we are together, and we are getting better, we are getting through those shitty fights NOW, learning.   – Are we still married? Yes.

Why does money have to be so…

A lovely couple gave us some real good advice, over six months ago, before we got married… One of the biggest issues that come up in a marriage is; finance. “Have finance meetings.” They told us, “Talk about it, communicate positively about it, iron out your issues and plan things out together.” We’ve been okay with finance, we’ve had a few meetings, and things have been OK. I haven’t been able to work, since I just got to the states. I got my work authorization card in late august, and it’s now October, and I still haven’t managed to get a solid, job. Nothing that is signed, sealed, delivered… I’m waiting, and being as proactive as I can without pushing too hard. It’s a small community and I don’t want to ruin my reputation.

We had to take out a $1000 from our savings this month to pay our bills, and there are still things coming at me that has to be paid. I’ve paid all my own major bills such as student loan with my own money that I got from tax return etc. But I initiated having this meeting so we could update each other, I could tell him where I am at so that he knows what I am doing towards work, and he could tell me his concerns.

The meeting was running smoothly, as in I was talking and calculating estimated income from the two jobs I have lined up, which are still not solid. And he was looking at pictures on instagram, videos, reading stuff from his phone, joking and responding. He was listening, but I didn’t feel that he had that much to say. As I encouraged him to say something he said he was fine, and I told him how good he had done these six months taking care of the both of us. All of a sudden things turned around a little, and he started saying that our plans to move to Los Angeles next June isn’t going to happen if I don’t save around $700 a month, and that he likes to live comfortably, and that he doesn’t like working this hard without anything to show for it… All in a jumbled order and out of nowhere. All of a sudden I was sitting there feeling stressed out and weird, and not understanding what was going on. It’s to boring to write down what happened and what we talked about and how we tried to turn the mood around… I just can’t be bothered to write it.

The point is, he is trying to cuddle and relax, after cutting me off trying to REALLY iron it out, so that I could feel a 100% better, understandably so as he has to get up and go to school and do an exam. He said that, went over to his computer and played a bit of fantasy football league. At first I thought he felt guilty, as he came over all cute and lovingly, then I realized he wanted to get laid. It wasn’t going to happen as I got my period today (which isn’t an issue really but I am in a lot of pain). He was trying to get my mind of things, and I said that I understand that he had to cut me off this time, but that instead of getting passive and turning around almost sleeping, that he could just try and work a little harder towards an end so that we could really sort things out before bed, for my sake, as I can’t really rest if it isn’t. He agreed and we were okay. But I’m still grumpy. I told him to just chill and watch TV or whatever that he shouldn’t worry I’ll try to get out of the funk myself. He didn’t say anything, but turned on the TV. And I’m like; :HEY! Say SOMETHING… say yes! or No! Or okay babe, that’s fine. Don’t just say nothing! Jeez. Then he said, “Yes. Ok. I don’t want you to get stressed. But I am going to rest now.” So I nodded satisfied and went over to my mac to write. Drown myself in this blog post and just get it out.

Why does money have to rule our lives? I think I am quite good at looking at money the way it should be. I’ve been really poor before, and I’ve been okay to the point where I could travel to a destination on the other side of the world and volunteer for charitable causes. And all of that, by myself, and the generous mother that I have, who allows me to creep back into my childhood bedroom when I need to save money. Now, I haven’t worked at all for six months and he is taking care of anything, so it would seem like a dick thing to do, to try and say; It’s just money. It’ll always come back, there will always be money coming and going. But life, is precious. And THAT’s what we should worry about, and work hard for. To be happy. And that working hard and having no money to “show for” as he says, is sometimes life! We are in our mid twenties, and people have mortgages and children, and we are OKAY! I can’t wait to work. So that when he keeps tabs on things, and hours and uses it as a weapon in an argument or as an excuse when he has behaved like a dick, I can prove him wrong. I would like to think that I wouldn’t guilt trip him if I was the one taking care of us. Which would be the situation I would prefer. He is supportive, he SAYS he likes taking care of me. But again, he DOES mention those things and THOSE words are what makes me UNABLE to live the “good life” of not working and doing whatever I want to do in the day.

GIVE ME MONEY! Please! So I can throw it at him, pay my bills and just LIVE LIFE. 😦