Eye drops on my red eyes and rest for the mind

Are we still married?

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I woke up at my friends house way too early after a long night of fretting, crying and talking to my best friend from home on the phone. Viber is a great app. She had calmed me down a hell of a lot, and empathized with me and lulled me to sleep. I woke up with a knot in my stomach. It’s like my brain had been screwed on the whole time, I knew exactly where I was and what had happened as soon as I opened my eyes. I woke up to the sound of silent vibration, and I frantically checked my phone, hoping, terrified that it was him, my husband, saying something loving, instead of anyone else saying anything else.

I looked at my phone, and the breath was kicked out of me as I read messages from my husband; “Are you okay? I miss you.. Can you come home? Please..” “Are you up?” I answered right away, “Yes… I’ll come.” And I walked home in the scorching and bright morning sun, having left my friend a grateful note. I felt calmer, but still unsettled, a little angry. I knew I had acted wrongly, and that I needed to improve, after our little argument that just got out of hand, but I felt wronged too, threatened and exhausted.

As I finally walked through the door, I was instantly greeted by a very worried looking husband. He backed off tentatively as I took my shoes off and put my backpack down. I walked inside and got myself a glass of cold water. We looked at each other, and he said sorry. He hugged me, firmly, nervous and breathed slowly but heavily, while saying “I am so sorry” several times. I had forgotten my phone at my friends place, and I had an important day ahead of me, and I needed my phone, so after we had talked a little, he offered to cycle with me to my friends place, collect my phone and cycle home together for some more hours of sleep. We cycled quietly past the tourists, bright and happy on their way to the beach. When we came home, we were smiling, and carefully moving around each other not saying much.

We laid down on the bed together. He was mild, attentive, and so incredible like he always is when we make up. I hate that it takes something horrible like this to get him into this state. My eyes were Soooo red… Bloodshut, and my hair was frazzled and I was just emotionally and mentally drained. He was tired too, he hadn’t slept very well. I was glad I had left, because I slept a lot better than I would have in our apartment, listening to him snoring.. while I was heartbroken and petrified that we were heading towards a divorce.

I told him that he shouldn’t set conditions for our love, close couples living together argue..! That’s a fact! And in some periods, more than usual. And we are in our FIRST year of marriage, which is HARD. He agreed. I asked him if he truly felt those things he had said, “Maybe we aren’t right.” He said that he didn’t mean it, but he had learned the language from me. That in my scared worried thoughtless ramblings I had uttered similar words of doubt, and this had stuck in his brain. Like I mentioned after that argument in ‘Nighttime sexytime failure’ and discovering that he had used threatening language (“I thought I married a grown up, I didn’t sign up for this…) because I had uttered threatening words first. We agreed that we should be careful with those things, as they only make us less confident and secure with each other. And that we shouldn’t say it unless we REALLY meant it, and that meant that something drastic had to be done. He was very sorry. I had already apologized on the night for my stupid behavior, but what he wanted was a reaction from me that maybe made me realize that I had caused him a lot of stress too, with these night time arguments. (Although that is pretty much the only time we are together – with our schedule.) I asked him if he meant that it was ALL my fault for the arguments. He said “of course not.” And I felt a whole lot better.

We slept… woke up. Smiled at each other. And I just knew… things were okay, and I didn’t need to ponder on things… it is NOT the beginning of the end, we are together, and we are getting better, we are getting through those shitty fights NOW, learning.   – Are we still married? Yes.

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Here’s to six more months..!

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Well, I can say happily that tonight was a success. Are we still married? Hell yes! Am I happy? Right now I really really am yes 🙂

I wore my favorite dress, (which he has never seen before), I bought him flowers and a card and candy. We took a cab to the restaurant he booked for us, a really nice fancy place. We had talked about our little nighttime sexytime failure argument after my class, and he apologized for having used “threatening” terms, such as ‘I thought I married an adult” And ‘What have I gotten into?’ and that he was sorry for having upset me. I apologized for overreacting, for acting immature, and for handling things badly. Basically, we sorted it out. And He did mention that I had indeed used similar “threatening” terms myself, when I have been angry, most recently during our Jealousy Silent war argument. This was good feedback, now I know how it feels to hear that, I am going to stop and think before I utter such words.

After our nice date we ventured home, after a long rather painful walk in heels and both feeling hot in the humid weather and super stuffed after all the food, I had encouraged him to sweep me right off to the bedroom for some nice sexy time – RIGHT away, as I was wearing MATCHING lingerie which I don’t do too often. We goofed it up the first round, I begged him to start again, and then we got it right! And we ended up playing this weird Milkman sex game and just having the best sex that we’ve had in a looong time, (from behind). I looked good in my lacy lingerie, and he looked so good in his ripped body, ahhh He’s so hot, and he made sure to please me to the T. It was perfect. And now we are eating ice cream.

Lucky me. Thanks SO much for the support!!! The comments, the likes, it makes me feel like I’m not entierly insane,  (althoug it might be insane to think that..) like I have someone understanding me, at least a little… Thank you!!! Xxx LW

A little Lonely

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It’s been a little up and down this week, and last night I confronted my stressed out husband about how I’ve felt. He’s got exams coming up, and this is only his second week back in school. He hasn’t really been working as productively, I’ve noticed that too, he’s been juggling Work, School, Being a commissioner of a Fantasy football league, and Homework pretty well. But he isn’t really taking time to spend quality time with me. Because when he is done with all of this, he either needs to sleep, eat or take some ‘me time’. And to be honest, it has left me feeling quite lonely.

I’ve been quite busy too, and I feel like I’ve utilized that in the hours when we are sitting on our separate computers, and doing our own thing. I’ll be quiet, but occasionally comment or something or ask a question. And this is ALL fine really, but in addition to this, he is moody and impatient with me. I came home the other day from my first day at my new job, I had only worked four hours but I had gotten up early after little sleep, so I was tired but excited, and I had a show later that night at the theater. He asked me how it was, but kept zoning out and staring at the football game on TV as I was talking. After a while I made a joke about it and lied down to rest, and hoped that he would overcompensate and continue the conversation, or at least apologize. I fell asleep after a while.

As I was sleeping, I woke up needing some water, and I said that he didn’t need to keep Seinfeld on the TV, and I said he could change the channel. But He said it was okay as he knew I’d sleep better to this. – I have suffered a bit from insomnia and struggle to sleep without sound. Later I woke up again to the sound of fingers clicking a controller. He was playing Madden, and the TV is right next to the bed, so I woke up from that single sound, as it was solely that sound. I kept rolling around a bit, since the silence got my mind to race.. and I was plagued by the silence. I fell asleep, woke up, fell asleep, woke up. Then I said, thinking that he had kept the sound off, for my sake; “I’d actually prefer it if you had the sound on I think.” He just said yeah and kept playing. After a little while I added, “So What I am saying is, can you turn the sound on?” And he just mumbled annoyed back to me, and I rolled over. I woke up later after a SHITTY nap, and he was all huffing and puffing around, getting ready to go to the gym. Then he threw the remote control on to where I was lying, and I asked what was up.

He didn’t like how I had said to turn the sound up. And he thought that I was being inconsiderate. I said I thought he was inconsiderate when I came home and he didn’t listen to me. And he started ranting on about how busy he is, with homework, and that he needed to get on with his day, so I should take that into consideration and bla bla bla, and he had just woken up when I came home… (Like I had just then). As he came back from the gym later he wasn’t in much better of a mood. And we left each other in an unsettled mood when we went to work.

When I was in the theater getting ready to go onstage, he texted me; “I;m sorry babe, I’m stressed out about the exams, and I shouldn’t take it out on you. I’m just being grumpy today. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I accepted it and said we needed to talk it out later as I wasn’t happy and we needed a new strategy for his stress levels and for me to get some romance out of our mundane lives. The talk was long and it took us a while to get anywhere. I expressed how I felt a little like he wasn’t IN love with me. And that he didn’t give me the same focus as he does on everything else that he does so well, because around me he wants to shut down and just watch TV, like we are best buddies all the time. We talked through trying to give him more QUIET no TV time to study, and strategies for that. It was good.

Later as I was sleeping on the futon, (The bed has given me back problems,) and he was on the bed, he came over to me and spooned me for a Looong time, stroking my back and arms, holding me. He rarely does this, and when he does he doesn’t do it for long. He gets so hot so quickly, and he gets tired of stroking. I couldn’t believe it, AND we were watching a Holocaust movie which is my favorite genre. I thin sleeping in separate beds for a week also contributed to not feeling that closeness. I fell asleep before the movie was over…! (miracle) and I slept like a BABY!

If ANYONE has read ALL of this, then… thank you ! Well done.. haha. I bet it’s been boring and self-indulgent even. But if anyone take anything from this, or enjoying reading it in the slightest, Please comment! Let me know..! I would love some feedback. xxx LW

“one of us has to work”

It’s never nice to hear that.

No, after having my employment authorization card for a month, I still haven’t got a job. Although I have two very good opportunities up my sleeve.  I think I might have two well paid jobs soon, and I am very excited about it, so I don’t have to feel guilty and inadequate all the time.

Oh my husband has been super supportive, as he is studying and working as a server, and we are basically living off his tips, he is working very hard and doing very well. He didn’t however do all of this for ME. It’s not like I asked him to move his world and leave everyone behind and start over. It’s not like he has changed his life at ALL. He would be doing the exact same thing if i wasn’t here. Yeah, he could spend more of his hard earned money on more stuff from Amazon, but hey, he wouldn’t get laid every day and a Blow Job several times a week.

He will say, when I tell him that I feel guilty and stressed, that I shouldn’t think that way and that he doesn’t, but then when I am irritating him wanting some attention while he is sitting down with his Fantasy Football league, he’ll turn around and say; “I’m tired babe, One of us has to work.” I told him I didn’t like him saying that, but then he said; ” It’s true, and I want it to be acknowledged. I need you to respect that.”

Yeah, so I had a lazy day today, where I sat on the couch writing, researching and watching TV, masturbating now and then and having a jolly good time. But I also sold our cooler on Craigslist, got it picked up, and made cash, Cooked dinner and went to the gym. and I remarked on having a nice day off from the theater and it looking like he had a Pajama party all day, and his attitude changed as soon as I said that, and I KNOW that THAT was what made him say that. If I hadn’t said anything, which I did to show appreciation that I can do that, he never would have thought of it, and used that excuse. I do understand and respect if he is tired, and I would back off if he tells me that, but DON’T use that JOB argument.

And just as I wrote this, he asked if I was mad at him and I promptly and irritably replied yes, he came over, and I said that I understood that he is tired, and I can respect that and he can do what he wants, but don’t expect me to NOT feel guilty and stressed out when he uses that argument, he apologized and said it wasn’t really about me, but about him. We sorted it out quickly and sweetly… And Now I sit here smiling, beaming, watching him play Madden.

Tut tut

Are we still Married?

As an update to the lat post, https://arewestillmarried.wordpress.com/2014/09/22/quiet-monday/ – after crying and battling my thoughts, refusing to talk, to say anything at all, as I am always the one initiating “confrontation” or a talk-through after an argument or a tiff, I let it go, aaaaall night, and we fought a cold silent war all night, until he went to bed, not saying a single word.

I was sitting in the toilet CRYING at 3:30, and FINALLY after a looong time, he shouted at me from bed, and as I didn’t respond, he came into the bathroom and asked what was wrong. I asked him back. Then he said; ‘What do you think?’. As I said that I had no idea, he rolled his eyes and went back to bed. I followed and asked what was wrong. What had kept him silent since we checked out at Walmart, all the way home, all through making dinner, eating, me doing dishes, him watching movies, ignoring me until he went to bed? After HE had been impatient and kind of rude at Walmart?

‘I didn’t like the way you looked at those guys.’ I was shell shocked and confused, ‘What guys!?’ It was the black guys i mentioned in the last post that we had walked by and he had said ‘ Oh no.’ (we have this internal joke about black guys being attracted to me), and I teased him. REALLY?! All these hours of seeing me cry and being upset, ‘I thought you felt guilty.’ As I explained to him that I hadn’t looked at them at all and I didn’t remember how they looked even, I expressed that I didn’t feel sorry for him at all, and had he just told me this right away, HOURS ago, we could talk through it and made him feel better. Then had a nice night together. But NO, instead he behaved like a stubborn dick letting me cry in anguish.

Needless to say, he understood what he had done, and we kind of made up. This morning he texted me from school asking me if I forgive him. I said ‘Of course I do. Let’s just say I think you have some making up to do.’ And when I came home today he had bought me a water bottle just like I was looking at in Walmart, but a really nice expensive one. And he has been really lovely all day. He promised never to do that to me again.

Jealousy is something we have discussed for a very long time, and we are equally jealous of each other and we sometimes handle it badly, but I have always said that we just need to communicate about it. To tell each other when it happens, and how we feel, and be patient with each other. So his behavior was completely unjustified for many reasons.

Are we still married? Yes, yes we are.

What happened to Sunday Funday..?

We used to have ‘Sunday Funday’ together, where we would sleep in, do something in the day, buy dinner and snacks and shack up for the night and watch movies, or go to the cinema. Then I was cast in a play, and I had matinee performances on Sunday, and football came.

So my husband would get up at 7 in the morning, because we live in a place where that’s when the games begin, and I would sleep and get up at ten or eleven to get ready and cycle to the theater to do a show. Then I cycle home, games are all over, and my husband is sleeping. The first time it happened, he slept ALL. FUCKING. DAY. And NIGHT. And he had school the next morning at noon. So no date night, no time together, no nothing. We argued and eventually agreed about it, and the next weekend,

He got up at 7, I left at 12, I came back, and he had a nap, and then we spent the evening together, chilling, watching movies eating, how lovely. I am supportive of him having a good Football sunday, eating pizza, chilling out, then having a nap. AS LONG AS HE GETS UP AGAIN.

Then today. He got up at 7, I left at 12. My friends and cast members want to do a get together at one of their houses, a BBQ, a fun hangout, and both my husband and I are invited. I text him a few times, and suspect he is already sleeping. Then I text again saying ‘ Can we pleeeease go to ***’s house later tonight, it’ll be so much fun!’ then all I get an hour later when I am cycling home, ‘I am napping now babe.. Zzz..’ and ‘And I don’t really want to.. sorry’

Sitting on the couch again, watching him sleep again, – OF COURSE, I’m not that kind of woman that doesn’t go out because of it, I will, and I will make it fun. But our time together is kind of limited and I want to spend time with him, and I am frustrated and annoyed, and I want to strangle him. I might ask him what his ideal night would be tonight before I leave, and before I continue being pissed off. And I might need to cut him some slack. But fucks sake.

TELL ME, Am I being a dick?

What a way to wake up

I felt gentle stroking… Warm hands touching me gently, stroking my back and arms… I slowly woke up, stirred, kept still, enjoying the stroking…. Then I looked up. And I saw my husbands warm tanned face looking down at me. At first I quickly remembered that I was grumpy at him, and that I had sent him s complaining message at five in the morning since I hadn’t been able to sleep after our little arguement, while he was snoooooring away.

I rested my head back on the pillow again and remembered that I was on the couch and we had slept separately, as we sometimes do, when it gets too hot, but this was for a bad reason. He was still stroking me. Then he started saying; ” so what I hear you saying…” And he went through the whole communication thing that we had been practicing at the marriage councellor, just as I had asked in the message I sent. He gave me exactly what I wanted, he told me he understood and that he was sorry.

I thanked him and grabbed him and held him close… We cuddled for a while and I thought to myself that I was the luckiest wife in the world. Then he left for work… And I wormed myself over to the bed, went back to sleep.. Smiling…