It’s been a little up and down this week, and last night I confronted my stressed out husband about how I’ve felt. He’s got exams coming up, and this is only his second week back in school. He hasn’t really been working as productively, I’ve noticed that too, he’s been juggling Work, School, Being a commissioner of a Fantasy football league, and Homework pretty well. But he isn’t really taking time to spend quality time with me. Because when he is done with all of this, he either needs to sleep, eat or take some ‘me time’. And to be honest, it has left me feeling quite lonely.
I’ve been quite busy too, and I feel like I’ve utilized that in the hours when we are sitting on our separate computers, and doing our own thing. I’ll be quiet, but occasionally comment or something or ask a question. And this is ALL fine really, but in addition to this, he is moody and impatient with me. I came home the other day from my first day at my new job, I had only worked four hours but I had gotten up early after little sleep, so I was tired but excited, and I had a show later that night at the theater. He asked me how it was, but kept zoning out and staring at the football game on TV as I was talking. After a while I made a joke about it and lied down to rest, and hoped that he would overcompensate and continue the conversation, or at least apologize. I fell asleep after a while.
As I was sleeping, I woke up needing some water, and I said that he didn’t need to keep Seinfeld on the TV, and I said he could change the channel. But He said it was okay as he knew I’d sleep better to this. – I have suffered a bit from insomnia and struggle to sleep without sound. Later I woke up again to the sound of fingers clicking a controller. He was playing Madden, and the TV is right next to the bed, so I woke up from that single sound, as it was solely that sound. I kept rolling around a bit, since the silence got my mind to race.. and I was plagued by the silence. I fell asleep, woke up, fell asleep, woke up. Then I said, thinking that he had kept the sound off, for my sake; “I’d actually prefer it if you had the sound on I think.” He just said yeah and kept playing. After a little while I added, “So What I am saying is, can you turn the sound on?” And he just mumbled annoyed back to me, and I rolled over. I woke up later after a SHITTY nap, and he was all huffing and puffing around, getting ready to go to the gym. Then he threw the remote control on to where I was lying, and I asked what was up.
He didn’t like how I had said to turn the sound up. And he thought that I was being inconsiderate. I said I thought he was inconsiderate when I came home and he didn’t listen to me. And he started ranting on about how busy he is, with homework, and that he needed to get on with his day, so I should take that into consideration and bla bla bla, and he had just woken up when I came home… (Like I had just then). As he came back from the gym later he wasn’t in much better of a mood. And we left each other in an unsettled mood when we went to work.
When I was in the theater getting ready to go onstage, he texted me; “I;m sorry babe, I’m stressed out about the exams, and I shouldn’t take it out on you. I’m just being grumpy today. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I accepted it and said we needed to talk it out later as I wasn’t happy and we needed a new strategy for his stress levels and for me to get some romance out of our mundane lives. The talk was long and it took us a while to get anywhere. I expressed how I felt a little like he wasn’t IN love with me. And that he didn’t give me the same focus as he does on everything else that he does so well, because around me he wants to shut down and just watch TV, like we are best buddies all the time. We talked through trying to give him more QUIET no TV time to study, and strategies for that. It was good.
Later as I was sleeping on the futon, (The bed has given me back problems,) and he was on the bed, he came over to me and spooned me for a Looong time, stroking my back and arms, holding me. He rarely does this, and when he does he doesn’t do it for long. He gets so hot so quickly, and he gets tired of stroking. I couldn’t believe it, AND we were watching a Holocaust movie which is my favorite genre. I thin sleeping in separate beds for a week also contributed to not feeling that closeness. I fell asleep before the movie was over…! (miracle) and I slept like a BABY!
If ANYONE has read ALL of this, then… thank you ! Well done.. haha. I bet it’s been boring and self-indulgent even. But if anyone take anything from this, or enjoying reading it in the slightest, Please comment! Let me know..! I would love some feedback. xxx LW