Are we still married…?
Yeah. For the past three days my husband has been distant, as he has been so tired and overwhelmed with school and work, and he has had allergy reactions that have taken over. I told him last night how I felt, really gently and just said that I needed to know that it had nothing to do with me, although I already kind of knew. It’s like that when you’re close to someone. I had been patient for days, and initiated every sex session, and not gotten much loving or tenderness. He apologized and reassured me, and the result now is a tired husband who is trying to overcompensate.. Hahah. It’s so cute. And I just told him that it’s okay and he can do what he wants to do to relax and wind down – whatever he needs, but I appreciate the compliments. He’s got the TV to himself and ordered a pizza, sitting there watching a game, happily shutting his brain off. I love him so much. We are so good.
But in my mind things are whirring. My niece as I’ve formerly written about posted a blog post last night which was disturbing but heartfelt and really well written. She was released from the hospital a week ago, where she had gotten a lot of care and therapy. But she hadn’t been able to open up. The structure and care was very comforting, so she was clinging to the warmth of that and not wanting to delve into the darkness. So again, coming home to my tired, sleep-depraved mother she fell back into a black hole. And she wrote in her blog that before the institutionalization, she had it all written down, how, where and when it would happen, – how she would kill herself. Just reading that made me shiver, she is better now, but knowing that she had gotten that far with her thoughts are terrifying, and it takes me back to when I was living with fear for 11 years, when her father, my brother was suicidal and very very sick. I still remember the day when my mum found him dead VERY very cleary. The feeling. The smells in the air. Everybody’s faces. And how my dad was NOT there for me. And my niece…. And now, six years later, I am dreading every phone call from my mother, far far away where I can’t reach them. What if this will be the call? Where she says that my niece is dead?
You might think that it’s silly to think like this, but when it happens to you, the fear is always there, and you KNOW that anyone can die at any time… you can loose anyone, it can happen to YOU. I am trying, believe me, to keep my thoughts in check. And t not let it become what I had before. I don’t want that again… The fear of my brother dying was taken over by an enormous grief of loosing him and depression, insomnia, struggle and anger. And now years down the line, I still battle all those things. Less, but still. But at least I am not living with that fear.
I fear other things. My biggest fear is to loose my mother. I can’t live without her. Not now… I need more time. I still feel like a child. And I am scared. I need her. And I am so scared of getting sick. Cancer. I am so scared of cancer. ALL my grandparents had it. And my mom hasn’t gotten it yet, she is 62. So either it’s coming or it skipped a generation. Me… is it coming for me? All this worrying about cancer might just give me cancer. Since I can remember I have been battling fear. I am sure most people are. But most people I know aren’t as scared as me. And when they are they deal with it in ways that I don’t even touch. I don’t drink alcohol, and I haven’t tasted it since I was eight. I don’t do drugs, and I don’t hide from my feelings. I confront them, and I work through it, sometimes it is almost impossible, but I have managed through a hell of a lot without any medication or sleeping pills. People are different, so I guess I am lucky to be able to do this. I’ve mastered my brain. Although I loose control of it and my emotions often, I never let go. I keep fighting. I just hope my niece can do the same. She is stronger than me, but she has also been through a hell of a lot more and WORSE than me.
Let’s all keep battling our fears, and hold on to the seconds of happiness that we get here and there. And I will keep being grateful. For not missing any limbs. For having all my senses. For not having cancer. For being married to the love of my life.