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For a while now I have felt alone in my faith in myself. I work hard at everything I do, perhaps not so hard at sticking to my diet and working out but, I am trying to make opportunities for myself, as well as paying the bills in a job that I am happy in.

My mother doesn’t get what I do. And my asshole father isn’t in the picture so forget about him. My family are all far away, so I am here, with my husband, and he just doesn’t show any interest in what I do. He doesn’t come to any of the events i facilitate, he doesn’t read my material, he doesn’t ask to. He doesn’t ask to see anything I’ve made, and when I sometimes ask, he’ll reject the offer politely. It might as well has been a rude rejection, it hurts just as much.

Fuck them all.

My mother comes with shitty unsupportive comments, picking me apart, trying to steer me in a different direction, a direction she likes. I’ve gotten better at taking criticism, and sometimes just leaving something alone, when I want to defend myself.

I don’t know why, but despite it all, I believe in myself. I believe I can succeed. Why? Nobody’s telling me I can do it, that I am good enough. Anyone who does is not a constant in my life, or not even that close to me. Should it matter what they think? Does it mean anything? Should it matter what my husband thinks, and my family?

Am I doing it for myself? No. But it would be nice to be with someone who gets it, and who makes me feel like I am doing good, that he is interested, fascinated, that he LIKES it. THAT, makes me think of divorce. To just be alone. Why should I be with someone who doesn’t show that he cares.

Are we still married? Yes.

The fear

Are we still married…?

Yeah. For the past three days my husband has been distant, as he has been so tired and overwhelmed with school and work, and he has had allergy reactions that have taken over. I told him last night how I felt, really gently and just said that I needed to know that it had nothing to do with me, although I already kind of knew. It’s like that when you’re close to someone. I had been patient for days, and initiated every sex session, and not gotten much loving or tenderness. He apologized and reassured me, and the result now is a tired husband who is trying to overcompensate.. Hahah. It’s so cute. And I just told him that it’s okay and he can do what he wants to do to relax and wind down – whatever he needs, but I appreciate the compliments. He’s got the TV to himself and ordered a pizza, sitting there watching a game, happily shutting his brain off. I love him so much. We are so good.

But in my mind things are whirring. My niece as I’ve formerly written about posted a blog post last night which was disturbing but heartfelt and really well written. She was released from the hospital a week ago, where she had gotten a lot of care and therapy. But she hadn’t been able to open up. The structure and care was very comforting, so she was clinging to the warmth of that and not wanting to delve into the darkness. So again, coming home to my tired, sleep-depraved mother she fell back into a black hole. And she wrote in her blog that before the institutionalization, she had it all written down, how, where and when it would happen, – how she would kill herself. Just reading that made me shiver, she is better now, but knowing that she had gotten that far with her thoughts are terrifying, and it takes me back to when I was living with fear for 11 years, when her father, my brother was suicidal and very very sick. I still remember the day when my mum found him dead VERY very cleary. The feeling. The smells in the air. Everybody’s faces. And how my dad was NOT there for me. And my niece…. And now, six years later, I am dreading every phone call from my mother, far far away where I can’t reach them. What if this will be the call? Where she says that my niece is dead?

You might think that it’s silly to think like this, but when it happens to you, the fear is always there, and you KNOW that anyone can die at any time… you can loose anyone, it can happen to YOU. I am trying, believe me, to keep my thoughts in check. And t not let it become what I had before. I don’t want that again… The fear of my brother dying was taken over by an enormous grief of loosing him and depression, insomnia, struggle and anger. And now years down the line, I still battle all those things. Less, but still. But at least I am not living with that fear.

I fear other things. My biggest fear is to loose my mother. I can’t live without her. Not now… I need more time. I still feel like a child. And I am scared. I need her. And I am so scared of getting sick. Cancer. I am so scared of cancer. ALL my grandparents had it. And my mom hasn’t gotten it yet, she is 62. So either it’s coming or it skipped a generation. Me… is it coming for me? All this worrying about cancer might just give me cancer. Since I can remember I have been battling fear. I am sure most people are. But most people I know aren’t as scared as me. And when they are they deal with it in ways that I don’t even touch. I don’t drink alcohol, and I haven’t tasted it since I was eight. I don’t do drugs, and I don’t hide from my feelings. I confront them, and I work through it, sometimes it is almost impossible, but I have managed through a hell of a lot without any medication or sleeping pills. People are different, so I guess I am lucky to be able to do this. I’ve mastered my brain. Although I loose control of it and my emotions often, I never let go. I keep fighting. I just hope my niece can do the same. She is stronger than me, but she has also been through a hell of a lot more and WORSE than me.

Let’s all keep battling our fears, and hold on to the seconds of happiness that we get here and there. And I will keep being grateful. For not missing any limbs. For having all my senses. For not having cancer. For being married to the love of my life.

Marriage councelling calms the storm

THIS IS THE POST I STARTED WRITING LAST WEEK THAT WASN’T SAVED…

 

Today I woke up from the outrageously loud construction from outside our building. (ARE WE REALLY PAYING A FULL MONTHS RENT !?) It has been going on every few days for a month now, and is SO annoying. I couldn’t get to sleep for a looong ass time, and I didn’t need to be woken up like that.

However, no nightmares. I was calm. Put on a bit of BBC’s old fashioned Crime series, while waking up for email checks etc. Hearing the English accents and seeing the countryside makes me feel good, and as I checked my emails, I was delighted to find that my job that I’ve had in the fire a long time, the one that has been really unsure has come through! Ahhhh Im gonna make money!!! I was so happy! I texted my husband as he was already in school and he sent supportive messages. I sent out receipts, made some calls, emailed here and there, did some paperwork and lesson plans, feeling good. Finally being able to do those things I tried to do yesterday but couldn’t because I was retardedly (sorry if this word offends someone) dysfunctional, practically speaking.

I felt better about my niece. I know her. She is strong. She is tough. She has survived so far. I felt more rational. As the husband came home, sweaty and wet from cycling home in the rain, grumpy as he didn’t want to shuffle off again right away to our marriage counseling, and his belly growling from hunger, I immediately got stressed out by his vibes, and although he didn’t say anything bad, his mood still affects me. Less now than it did when I first moved in, but I know how to avoid it getting worse, by shutting up, and making sure I am out of his way. We shuffle out, go downstairs, and meet our housing manager. He stops to talk to us about this recent ‘event’ that happened between me and my neighbor. This is what happened.

I had my sister in law and baby nephew visiting and our neighbors, that moved in a month ago, replacing a drug addict couple that fought ALL the time, were, GUESS WHAT, – fighting. As I said bye to them in the hallway, my sister in law told me to call the housing manager or the police, their door was cracked open and it was loud. It sounded like he was slapping her. They left and I decided, NO, I haven’t met them yet, and I feel like giving anyone a fair chance, I’ll knock on their door, introduce myself, and politely say that they were being quite loud.

THIS IS WHERE EVERYTHING WAS DELETED SO – LUCKILY FOR YOU, I AM TOO LAZY TO WRITE ALL OF IT, AND WILL SUMMARIZE IT. SEEING NOW HOW LONG THIS POST ALREADY IS, MAYBE IT WAS ALL FOR THE BEST… HA HA HA.

The neighbor came out and was pretty grumpy, he was LITERALLY wearing a wife-beater (those white tank-tops) and he listened to what I had to say quietly with a “What the fuck” expression, and as he didn’t say anything I kept going.. Then he shouted inside to his wife, ” Our neighbor want’s to know what we are doing in here!” I said quickly “No, no! That’s not what I meant, I just wanted to…” And before I could say anything else, ALL sorts of typical women-bashing profanity was thrown in my face, Which in itself was disturbing, but then he said something RACIST, YES one can be racist against white people, and that’s what happened to me, and THIS was what made me go INSANE. Well, quietly and rationally so… I tried to explain over and over, as the wife came out and asked me what was the problem, if the TV was too loud, She was holding him back as he was verbally attacking me. I told them that I would call the housing manager, and he shouted to “Go fucking call the manager then!” And I did. Our lazy shitty manager was somewhere else, but said he would be back in 30 min. He never came. I locked my door and sat there and texted my husband all night…

On our way to the Counselor, we met the housing manager and it had been over a week, and he had said this and that to me, my husband and sister-in-law on different occasions, and to them he had even said that the guy was going to apologize within two weeks.. Which is weird… within two weeks? Okay… but then we met him, and he made us late for our appointment as he is so slow at getting to the point, which was; The guy was NOT going to apologize, because he HADN’T shouted at me, and I had knocked on THEIR door. This infuriated me, AS IF I would get away with saying something RACIST towards ANYONE WHO ISN’T WHITE, in this case, this oriental guy, this piece of shit, had just gotten away with it, no problem. YEAH, next time I will call the cops. ARRGHHHH…. Fury bubbling through me as we discussed it with the counselor. But it helped to talk about it.

AND THAT IS HOW SHE CALMED THE STORM… Ha ha. Sorry about this. Any thoughts on this neighbor attack!? Was I ludicrously naive to introduce myself to a new neighbor who did indeed sound from the outside like he was under the influence? Should I put down my refusal to be the kind of human being that WANTS to make things work between HUMANS, by conversing face to face, interacting and being a NEIGHBOR!?

On this side and on that side

My heart is on both sides of the earth

On one side of the planet, I wake up, after a long nightmare about my mother dying, about loosing all my possessions including my passport. I overslept, I had written the wrong time down on my calendar on my phone, so my husband wakes me with a stressed call from my sister in law. I scream as he startled me. I feel depressed. Then I remember with delight that we are going on a spa day,that my husband bought for us as a treat, a full package with a facial and all. I run downstairs and we get there 7 minutes late. The spa was a strange experience, I was sure I was being punk’d or something on a hidden camera because of the characters that were there. It was nice, and relaxing at times but, I didn’t expect to be doing crunches in the middle of a facial. As I sat in the waiting room afterwards, eating grapes and chilling out, I read a few messages from my mum.

On the other side of the planet, my niece has been institutionalized, my mother had waited with her for a really long time, not slept, my niece had finally gotten a place somewhere, but what shook me to my core was, it was the same hospital as my brother used to live in. The name of the hospital in itself, it affects me. The kids in my class teasing me, and singing that stupid song about it in primary school. The countless visitations there, that were both fun, and despairing. The celebration of Christmas at that institution. The constant fear that my brother would kill himself. And after over a decade, he killed himself. Now his daughter is there. After all she’s been through, Loosing her father, being sexually abused by her step father, and betrayed by her mother, she is now finally getting some help, 24/7 attention with professionals, in a safe atmosphere. I hope it’s okay, I hope she’ll feel better. I hope this isn’t one of those cases where there is no turning back. I’m scared. Again. I know it’s not all about me, this is about her, and her well being, and her improvement, but the fact that she is THERE made me feel worse. I am scared for her. Her being suicidal frightens me to the core. Loosing her.. she is so young, younger than me, smarter, brighter and more beautiful than me. She is better than me. But she was given the shortest straw. I have been lucky. I am frightened, worried and trauma from the past is threatening to come out through vomit, tears and hyper breathing. But I’m keeping calm. Calm.

Purr purr purr

catwoman

I am a Happy Kitty…

Days go by as I constantly work on creating work for myself, going on business meetings with potential clients, cook dinner for my husband, keep the apartment clean, go to classes, go to the gym and lay me down to watch me some movies and enjoy my opportune hours to choose to be lazy instead. I am getting better at laying around a little. I know that I am doing what I can to move things forward, so I don’t feel like I am wasting time or being lazy, and my husband has been in a better mood lately, and supported me in my failures, and cheered me on when I work towards something. I know it’s a 50/50 – Me allowing myself to treat myself (WHILE I CAN) and HIM being supportive and not giving me a jealous and slightly bitter attitude when I have had a nice relaxing day. This enables me to enjoy myself more and not be bitter either, when I do all the wifey housework things that was my nightmare to end up doing ever since I was a little girl, but I’ll do it for HIM. Because I love him, and I want to make things easier for him. That is kind of my contribution as I am not really contributing evenly financially.

Making him a packed lunch for him to pick up after school before work, keep the house clean and tidy so he can come home feeling relaxed and space out in peace. Cook him dinner to come home to at night after a 12 hour long day. Rub his back and sometimes his feet when he is exhausted. Give him a blow job before work, or before school to perk him up. Send him some lovely texts during the day that require no answer. Understanding that some nights after a whole day of school and work, and us not having seen each other, that he’ll not want to hang out, only some sex and cuddling, silence, and leaving him to do his own things, homework, Fantasy football, reading the news, masturbating, playing madden. Some HIM time. Keeping myself busy and happy, so he doesn’t have to worry about entertaining me .

It has gotten a lot better, in the beginning we had been apart in a long distance relationship for almost a year, not seeing each other in the Flesh – at all. Meaning NO SEX for either of us for that whole time, and communicating only via post, email, skype and texts. Our love lasted and grew stronger, and when I finally got here through an excruciating process, leaving my familiar and beloved Europe behind, my family, friends and my plans. For HIM. I wanted every second of the day with him, I wanted to squeeze every second for all the romance and intensity I could get, that I had longed for, that I had waited for. But it didn’t take long for him to start needing more space for himself, which broke my heart. It was a disappointment. I started doubting us. Yeah yeah, people are different, but I think that when you really love someone you’ll want to be with them all the time..bla bla bla…. but after a while, some passionate arguments, fights, I learned and came to accept that we are different, and love each other the same, on the same level, but a little differently. And He didn’t ask for much. He needed to get used to me too, having me there all the time, and me to him, our mood-swings, habits, buttons and laundry detergent. And we did. We do spend a hell of a lot of time together. He always chooses me. Hang out with friends, go out, stay behind at work with his coworkers drinking, -no. He comes home. To me. Cycles happily with the helmet I insisted he’d buy and wear, that makes him look like an idiot. To see, me. To hold me. And THAT’s what I want. It makes me purr.

I am glad and willing to push him out the door to hang out with friends more, and he is so positively surprised when I do. Of course!! Friends are so important. He doesn’t have friends on the level I do, not here, he’s not like me. But his buddies, are nice for him to have, so they can watch sports together and all those typical manly things. And the result is, which also pleases me, he misses me. And when he comes home he’s all over me. And I play casual and hard to get…ahhhh Im so in love! It’s sunday, and I am going to a party with some friends tonight. He’s been up since early this morning to catch every single football game. He’s exhausted from standing (!) in front of the TV, running back and forth to his fantasy football league on his computer all day. Now he’s snoozing away, and I look over at his chunky thighs and meaty buttocks… I love him. And he loves me. We are growing, we are learning, our love… is evolving. And as long as we are as passionate for each other as we are, because that is what this kitty needs, I will never give up.

Why does money have to be so…

A lovely couple gave us some real good advice, over six months ago, before we got married… One of the biggest issues that come up in a marriage is; finance. “Have finance meetings.” They told us, “Talk about it, communicate positively about it, iron out your issues and plan things out together.” We’ve been okay with finance, we’ve had a few meetings, and things have been OK. I haven’t been able to work, since I just got to the states. I got my work authorization card in late august, and it’s now October, and I still haven’t managed to get a solid, job. Nothing that is signed, sealed, delivered… I’m waiting, and being as proactive as I can without pushing too hard. It’s a small community and I don’t want to ruin my reputation.

We had to take out a $1000 from our savings this month to pay our bills, and there are still things coming at me that has to be paid. I’ve paid all my own major bills such as student loan with my own money that I got from tax return etc. But I initiated having this meeting so we could update each other, I could tell him where I am at so that he knows what I am doing towards work, and he could tell me his concerns.

The meeting was running smoothly, as in I was talking and calculating estimated income from the two jobs I have lined up, which are still not solid. And he was looking at pictures on instagram, videos, reading stuff from his phone, joking and responding. He was listening, but I didn’t feel that he had that much to say. As I encouraged him to say something he said he was fine, and I told him how good he had done these six months taking care of the both of us. All of a sudden things turned around a little, and he started saying that our plans to move to Los Angeles next June isn’t going to happen if I don’t save around $700 a month, and that he likes to live comfortably, and that he doesn’t like working this hard without anything to show for it… All in a jumbled order and out of nowhere. All of a sudden I was sitting there feeling stressed out and weird, and not understanding what was going on. It’s to boring to write down what happened and what we talked about and how we tried to turn the mood around… I just can’t be bothered to write it.

The point is, he is trying to cuddle and relax, after cutting me off trying to REALLY iron it out, so that I could feel a 100% better, understandably so as he has to get up and go to school and do an exam. He said that, went over to his computer and played a bit of fantasy football league. At first I thought he felt guilty, as he came over all cute and lovingly, then I realized he wanted to get laid. It wasn’t going to happen as I got my period today (which isn’t an issue really but I am in a lot of pain). He was trying to get my mind of things, and I said that I understand that he had to cut me off this time, but that instead of getting passive and turning around almost sleeping, that he could just try and work a little harder towards an end so that we could really sort things out before bed, for my sake, as I can’t really rest if it isn’t. He agreed and we were okay. But I’m still grumpy. I told him to just chill and watch TV or whatever that he shouldn’t worry I’ll try to get out of the funk myself. He didn’t say anything, but turned on the TV. And I’m like; :HEY! Say SOMETHING… say yes! or No! Or okay babe, that’s fine. Don’t just say nothing! Jeez. Then he said, “Yes. Ok. I don’t want you to get stressed. But I am going to rest now.” So I nodded satisfied and went over to my mac to write. Drown myself in this blog post and just get it out.

Why does money have to rule our lives? I think I am quite good at looking at money the way it should be. I’ve been really poor before, and I’ve been okay to the point where I could travel to a destination on the other side of the world and volunteer for charitable causes. And all of that, by myself, and the generous mother that I have, who allows me to creep back into my childhood bedroom when I need to save money. Now, I haven’t worked at all for six months and he is taking care of anything, so it would seem like a dick thing to do, to try and say; It’s just money. It’ll always come back, there will always be money coming and going. But life, is precious. And THAT’s what we should worry about, and work hard for. To be happy. And that working hard and having no money to “show for” as he says, is sometimes life! We are in our mid twenties, and people have mortgages and children, and we are OKAY! I can’t wait to work. So that when he keeps tabs on things, and hours and uses it as a weapon in an argument or as an excuse when he has behaved like a dick, I can prove him wrong. I would like to think that I wouldn’t guilt trip him if I was the one taking care of us. Which would be the situation I would prefer. He is supportive, he SAYS he likes taking care of me. But again, he DOES mention those things and THOSE words are what makes me UNABLE to live the “good life” of not working and doing whatever I want to do in the day.

GIVE ME MONEY! Please! So I can throw it at him, pay my bills and just LIVE LIFE. 😦

A little Lonely

Kangaroo - Cuddly toy - stuffed animal - Teddy bear - Cute Kangaroo - sleeping

It’s been a little up and down this week, and last night I confronted my stressed out husband about how I’ve felt. He’s got exams coming up, and this is only his second week back in school. He hasn’t really been working as productively, I’ve noticed that too, he’s been juggling Work, School, Being a commissioner of a Fantasy football league, and Homework pretty well. But he isn’t really taking time to spend quality time with me. Because when he is done with all of this, he either needs to sleep, eat or take some ‘me time’. And to be honest, it has left me feeling quite lonely.

I’ve been quite busy too, and I feel like I’ve utilized that in the hours when we are sitting on our separate computers, and doing our own thing. I’ll be quiet, but occasionally comment or something or ask a question. And this is ALL fine really, but in addition to this, he is moody and impatient with me. I came home the other day from my first day at my new job, I had only worked four hours but I had gotten up early after little sleep, so I was tired but excited, and I had a show later that night at the theater. He asked me how it was, but kept zoning out and staring at the football game on TV as I was talking. After a while I made a joke about it and lied down to rest, and hoped that he would overcompensate and continue the conversation, or at least apologize. I fell asleep after a while.

As I was sleeping, I woke up needing some water, and I said that he didn’t need to keep Seinfeld on the TV, and I said he could change the channel. But He said it was okay as he knew I’d sleep better to this. – I have suffered a bit from insomnia and struggle to sleep without sound. Later I woke up again to the sound of fingers clicking a controller. He was playing Madden, and the TV is right next to the bed, so I woke up from that single sound, as it was solely that sound. I kept rolling around a bit, since the silence got my mind to race.. and I was plagued by the silence. I fell asleep, woke up, fell asleep, woke up. Then I said, thinking that he had kept the sound off, for my sake; “I’d actually prefer it if you had the sound on I think.” He just said yeah and kept playing. After a little while I added, “So What I am saying is, can you turn the sound on?” And he just mumbled annoyed back to me, and I rolled over. I woke up later after a SHITTY nap, and he was all huffing and puffing around, getting ready to go to the gym. Then he threw the remote control on to where I was lying, and I asked what was up.

He didn’t like how I had said to turn the sound up. And he thought that I was being inconsiderate. I said I thought he was inconsiderate when I came home and he didn’t listen to me. And he started ranting on about how busy he is, with homework, and that he needed to get on with his day, so I should take that into consideration and bla bla bla, and he had just woken up when I came home… (Like I had just then). As he came back from the gym later he wasn’t in much better of a mood. And we left each other in an unsettled mood when we went to work.

When I was in the theater getting ready to go onstage, he texted me; “I;m sorry babe, I’m stressed out about the exams, and I shouldn’t take it out on you. I’m just being grumpy today. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I accepted it and said we needed to talk it out later as I wasn’t happy and we needed a new strategy for his stress levels and for me to get some romance out of our mundane lives. The talk was long and it took us a while to get anywhere. I expressed how I felt a little like he wasn’t IN love with me. And that he didn’t give me the same focus as he does on everything else that he does so well, because around me he wants to shut down and just watch TV, like we are best buddies all the time. We talked through trying to give him more QUIET no TV time to study, and strategies for that. It was good.

Later as I was sleeping on the futon, (The bed has given me back problems,) and he was on the bed, he came over to me and spooned me for a Looong time, stroking my back and arms, holding me. He rarely does this, and when he does he doesn’t do it for long. He gets so hot so quickly, and he gets tired of stroking. I couldn’t believe it, AND we were watching a Holocaust movie which is my favorite genre. I thin sleeping in separate beds for a week also contributed to not feeling that closeness. I fell asleep before the movie was over…! (miracle) and I slept like a BABY!

If ANYONE has read ALL of this, then… thank you ! Well done.. haha. I bet it’s been boring and self-indulgent even. But if anyone take anything from this, or enjoying reading it in the slightest, Please comment! Let me know..! I would love some feedback. xxx LW

Today I want to thank him for…

My dear sweet husband, today I want to thank you for;

  • Thanking me for cooking you dinner
  • Asking me for permission to play Madden
  • Letting me listen to the WHOLE new U2 album out loud in the living room
  • Seducing me before sex
  • Great sex with naughty talk
  • Working hard and making a lot of money today
  • Discussing with me the opportunity for a possible new job, before making any desicions
  • Giving me compliments
  • Being positive to me skipping the gym today
  • Being in a great mood pretty much all day even though you Went to school and then straight to work

I’m so proud and grateful. Thank you.

LW xx

“one of us has to work”

It’s never nice to hear that.

No, after having my employment authorization card for a month, I still haven’t got a job. Although I have two very good opportunities up my sleeve.  I think I might have two well paid jobs soon, and I am very excited about it, so I don’t have to feel guilty and inadequate all the time.

Oh my husband has been super supportive, as he is studying and working as a server, and we are basically living off his tips, he is working very hard and doing very well. He didn’t however do all of this for ME. It’s not like I asked him to move his world and leave everyone behind and start over. It’s not like he has changed his life at ALL. He would be doing the exact same thing if i wasn’t here. Yeah, he could spend more of his hard earned money on more stuff from Amazon, but hey, he wouldn’t get laid every day and a Blow Job several times a week.

He will say, when I tell him that I feel guilty and stressed, that I shouldn’t think that way and that he doesn’t, but then when I am irritating him wanting some attention while he is sitting down with his Fantasy Football league, he’ll turn around and say; “I’m tired babe, One of us has to work.” I told him I didn’t like him saying that, but then he said; ” It’s true, and I want it to be acknowledged. I need you to respect that.”

Yeah, so I had a lazy day today, where I sat on the couch writing, researching and watching TV, masturbating now and then and having a jolly good time. But I also sold our cooler on Craigslist, got it picked up, and made cash, Cooked dinner and went to the gym. and I remarked on having a nice day off from the theater and it looking like he had a Pajama party all day, and his attitude changed as soon as I said that, and I KNOW that THAT was what made him say that. If I hadn’t said anything, which I did to show appreciation that I can do that, he never would have thought of it, and used that excuse. I do understand and respect if he is tired, and I would back off if he tells me that, but DON’T use that JOB argument.

And just as I wrote this, he asked if I was mad at him and I promptly and irritably replied yes, he came over, and I said that I understood that he is tired, and I can respect that and he can do what he wants, but don’t expect me to NOT feel guilty and stressed out when he uses that argument, he apologized and said it wasn’t really about me, but about him. We sorted it out quickly and sweetly… And Now I sit here smiling, beaming, watching him play Madden.

Dear married people.

I hope you are still married, I still am. After a WHOLE SIX MONTHS… oOohh.. I know. A Pathetic amount of time, and I am already complaining. As you experienced married people know, it’s full of happy times and truly miserable times, and as most of you successful Still married couples know, the first year is the hardest. Or so I hear. Which made me feel a whole lot better.

I have been writing some notes for my own sanity, and I thought I’d put some out there. And since -until now, they are all higgeldy piggeldy poo, I will just paste the shit in here and you can feel free to read it until you get bored and click the hell out of here.  Or if you do find it entertaining somehow and you want to comment on my sanity or bitchyness, feel free.

 

As we were both feeling ready to go to sleep, My husband came up with his cheesy line of; “Is there anything I can do for you Baby?” And I’m sort of laughing, feeling way too tired for sex. But then I feel like I’ve been a bit too rejective lately, and that maybe if I push myself back into it, my sex drive would come back. To be fair the past three days have been GREAT, sex wise. But before that it was a week or two without an orgasm for me, and my period with no sex, and none of him going down on me, until I mentioned it. It’s very hard for me to ask for someone to go down on me when I already feel self-conscious about my vagina. I think it’s ugly, and something is weird about it nowadays. It has sort of spots, or bumps on there that aren’t spots or zits… It makes me worry about cancer and other scary diseases and I sleep poorly because of anxiety. My husband thought that they were just ingrown hairs or something and recommended me to outgrow my pubes, and he has been very sweet about it. I look down at my pussy and I don’t like what I see. The colours of my pubes are not a nice colour. But anyway, back to the story. I start touching him and putting lube on his dick as I can see him being tired and just wanting a quickie. He is more sensitive than usual, it’s happened before and it makes me feel like I’m not in control and I’ve got to be careful with my moves, when I usually feel so confident and great at it. He tells me it’s uncomfortable and it tickles etc.. and I can feel myself curling up inside already. But I want to defy it , after some bad reactions, but picking myself up after and insisting on riding him, which he usually loves and especially when he is tired, something still isn’t right, and he tells me to “come here” and I don’t understand where that is. And it’s awkward and weird and I curl up inside even more. Then I ask him to take me from behind because It sometimes allows me to feel more I don’t know, not letting him see my face, getting more animalistic and giving me some moments to gather myself. But for some reason, the way I feel his hands on my ass, it makes me self-conscious and negative thoughts race through my head, I have been so down about my ass lately, and it just took it to hell and back when he commented a month or two ago about a machine at the gym that would make my ass stick out more, like his. I swear I wanted to jump out of the window, I am well aware that my ass isn’t the roundest fullest in the world, yeah it’s broad, but Its not super toned and not super juicy. Sometimes because of my posture and my lower back bone (and simply because of too small gluteus) it even looks flat. And it felt flat, as I was lying there and he was being slightly weird, and I, me letting my thoughts get the best of me somehow thought that he was missing a bigger ass to grab, to lay his hands on, and I asked him if I looked good, and he said a simple “Yes” while I needed more, I asked him to say it, then he said that he didn’t feel like doing the position because he was tired and his dick didn’t work as normal. I immediately got weirder and curled up even more, then we turned around to do our good-old missionary. And he saw it in my face, and asked if I was okay, and me, terribly transparent and selfishly bad at lying said I was fine and tried to grab his dick and keep going. We were moving a bit but he, as he said later thought that my face looked “mopey” and stopped. “I just want to go to bed babe, you don’t feel good about it, and so neither do I, and I’m really tired.” I tried to explain that I just felt bad about myself and that’s why I reacted the way I did, and then he shot me off and said “Well I don’t want to talk about it, I need to go to bed.” He has work in the morning. Then I was like, great. Let’s not solve the problem. So on my way to the toilet to pee, I childishly said, “Fine, I’ll talk to myself about it.” And he asked me to come back, and as I didn’t he started Saying “Fuck, I haven’t got time for this shit, Fuck, fucks sake…” And things like that, the biggest reaction (over reaction) I have seen from him yet. He hit something and It fell over, and I heard a rumble as he kept swearing.. I sat calmly on the toilet trying to cool down, and walked back in after and asked what happened. “Nothing.” I sat down in bed trying to as diplomatically and maturely as possible, solve and go to bed. But he kept saying “Here we go again” and “Now I won’t be able to sleep for another half hour.” And as I reasoned with him and explained my side of the story and half-assedly apologized, he just kept batting me off and saying the same thing. “Now we are going to be talking for like half an hour, like we always do, and I won’t get to sleep.” He said. Then I tried saying, Well, if you keep saying things like that you are gonna upset me and make things worse, when we can solve this in a matter of minutes if we just stick to the actual situation. Eventually he managed to swivel back, and we sort of cleared things up. And I said, lets go to bed, trying to sound content, and we went to bed. I looked at my phone and texted Gwen, in case she was available for a consult. No. My husband went over to the computer and clicked on the mouse, louder than I’ve ever heard anyone fucking click before. Then I forced myself to say something that came up as an instinct, “ Come back to bed, I’ll give you a BJ..?” In a positive tone. He said he needed a few minutes, while he was on his football thing onlie. That was it. The tears fell out of my eyes, and there was no going back, I thought, go to the toilet and think out a plan. I sat on the toilet, and failing to pee I thought, take YOUR computer and sit down and write it all down. And So I did. Then he came over trying to get me back to bed. I rejected him. Wrongly perhaps. But my heart is sore and not wanting to go back to bed to someone who didn’t apologize back, after ALSO being a dick. It wasn’t just me.

(I ended up going back to be with him, as he asked me; “come back to bed baby, please” and I did.)

Saturday 6th of September.

 

It’s strange how one thing I hear somewhere can trigger a whole long terrible train of thought. The way I think is sometimes so terrible and difficult to steer into a different direction. I am standing in the way of myself so often, and I it’s like I need to talk myself of the ledge every day. Last night I saw a stupid episode of the stupid show Sex In The City. Carrie was in Paris, away from her friends an family with her boyfriend, she had moved all the way there and felt sad. She said to him, I don’t want to walk the streets of Paris alone! I didn’t move here for you to leave alone all the time! I am a person who is looking for love. Ridiculous, All consuming, can’t live without you love. And I don’t think It’s here, in this luxury suite in this fancy hotel, in Beautiful Paris. It’s not your fault. Then that stupid ass character mr. Big, whom which I think is the reason I don’t like this show, shows up later in this ‘meant to be’ kind of scenario. And he cries to her and says, ‘You’re the one’. Just now we were laying in bed watching ‘never been kissed’ with Drew Barrymore whom I love, and Jessica Alba, who ALL guys love, including . After watching this goofy romcom for a while, I said to him, ‘You are the one’ And he smiled. Then I waited. Then Nothing. And I moved away. After a while I said, “am I the one..?” In a half-joking, cutsie and I guess Needy voice. Then he said, and I could tell at this point that he already was annoyed, ‘yes you are the one who.. always needs to hear it.” ASSHOLE. I realized last night that he had never said that to me. And I wanted to hear it. Somehow he has the power to make me truly happy and truly miserable. To be fair, he had just made me some sandwhiches for lunch and I had chewed his ear off. But he did that to make up for offending me right before I went off to an audition this morning, and me being in pain from my period. And he hasn’t really said a word since. About an hour ago. I know he knows but he stubbornly doesn’t want to say anything. And I must be honest, It does make me doubt things. I get worried. I worry a lot. And I guess I need affirmation too much too. I’m not sure how to address this. But I am glad that we are going to councelling. We can get tools to improve our days and communication, and possibly even figure things out before it’s too late.

 

7th of September.

 

What a fool I was to think that we would spend this Sunday evening together. He got up at 7 to watch the first Patriots game, after only a few hours of sleep. He watched football all day until I came home at four, then declared that he was going to sleep at around 6-7. I said that he should try and stay awake till ten. But he protested pretty cynically, and I mentioned that I thought we were going to spend the night together getting desserts and watching a movie. Nothing mattered. He tried to comfort me sweetly after the terrible day I had at the theatre, totally oblivious to the fact that he upset me by disappointing the SHIT out of me. Coming home, to … after all that. I couldn’t wait, on my way home. Then I came home to that slap in the face. So I’ve spent all night since 6:30 alone, watching documentaries, YouTube videos, reading blogs, writing and eating ice cream, spaghetti, pizza, Nerds, drinking coke and sitting here annoyed at him. Went to the gym for almost 45 minutes. Did some cardio then came back home had a shower and soaked my hair in coconut oil. Put a turban on my head, cleansed my face, brushed my teeth and sat down and watched Monty python till nearing sleep. Then I laid there, with the Harry Potter Audio book on… sleepy… but thoughtful… and started to cry. Where is the romance I crave? Where is the passion? Are we right for each other? What does he want? Why doesn’t he want to spend more time with me? I HATE sounding like the cliché wife, but that is what I have ended up with. FUCK MY LIFE> I Hate feeling this way. Taken for granted, naggy, lonely and cliché.

 

AND NOW WE ARE UP TO SPEED.