Turkey hunting and foreplay

My husband and I have been so busy lately, which is good and it’s making us happy. We had our first marriage counseling for weeeeks, and it was nice talking. I felt like the only area we really haven’t improved in at all is our sexlife. We have great sex together, but not really very good at foreplay. I am not very good at letting him go down on me, I don’t ask for it enough, and he isn’t super experienced and doesn’t take initiative as much as I would like. Because I am insecure, I need him to be insistent, and take more time for me. We talked about it, and how we are both impatient, we skip foreplay almost everytime, but as a result, it is painful for me for the first five minutes, and I have built up this anguish every time we start, anticipating the pain and making it worse. So, we talked through it and got our homework which was MORE foreplay and him going down on me.

Last night wasn’t a very successful run as I couldn’t even get to come when he was fingering me on my clit, I was so worried that he would get tired, I had trouble focusing, and I was so close to climaxing several times, but I couldn’t. I must have felt too pressured. After a while he did indeed give up, I was discouraging towards him, and eventually he gave in. It upset me as I really need him to insist and make me feel secure that he is going to keep going, so I don’t lie there worrying that he’ll get too tired any moment, and that he will quit. So we had to talk and get through it together and talk through my insecurities. It was good, and although along the way we both got defensive and said silly things, we got to a good point and I felt a hell of a lot better.

Today I was working and got home late, and we grabbed our list and went out to the local Safeway store to buy all the food we need for tomorrow, as you all know, IT’S THANKSGIVING TOMORROW! WHoop whoop!

We ran around the store with a camcorder and recorded the whole silly shopping spree, as it is our first Thanksgiving as a married couple, together on the ACTUAL thanksgiving day, and we are going the whole nine yards cooking a whooole turkey, just for the two of us ha ha. We are going to make it a special celebration/date night as we are not going to be able to spend Christmas eve or day together, as he is working.  So this is how it goes,  Me; we HAVE to get free range. Him: But this one is cheaper, and it MIGHT be free range. Me: Then why wouldn’t it say free range? Him: we don’t even know if it really is proper free range. They throw that term around nowadays. Me: Come on, just  a few dollars difference between TORTURE and running around a little in a slightly bigger cage!

Somehow we ended up with the non free range turkey. Selfishly I’ll try not to worry about that tomorrow as I stuff my face with delicious turkey and stuffing and all the rest. Happy thanksgiving tomorrow everybody! 😊

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Purr purr purr

catwoman

I am a Happy Kitty…

Days go by as I constantly work on creating work for myself, going on business meetings with potential clients, cook dinner for my husband, keep the apartment clean, go to classes, go to the gym and lay me down to watch me some movies and enjoy my opportune hours to choose to be lazy instead. I am getting better at laying around a little. I know that I am doing what I can to move things forward, so I don’t feel like I am wasting time or being lazy, and my husband has been in a better mood lately, and supported me in my failures, and cheered me on when I work towards something. I know it’s a 50/50 – Me allowing myself to treat myself (WHILE I CAN) and HIM being supportive and not giving me a jealous and slightly bitter attitude when I have had a nice relaxing day. This enables me to enjoy myself more and not be bitter either, when I do all the wifey housework things that was my nightmare to end up doing ever since I was a little girl, but I’ll do it for HIM. Because I love him, and I want to make things easier for him. That is kind of my contribution as I am not really contributing evenly financially.

Making him a packed lunch for him to pick up after school before work, keep the house clean and tidy so he can come home feeling relaxed and space out in peace. Cook him dinner to come home to at night after a 12 hour long day. Rub his back and sometimes his feet when he is exhausted. Give him a blow job before work, or before school to perk him up. Send him some lovely texts during the day that require no answer. Understanding that some nights after a whole day of school and work, and us not having seen each other, that he’ll not want to hang out, only some sex and cuddling, silence, and leaving him to do his own things, homework, Fantasy football, reading the news, masturbating, playing madden. Some HIM time. Keeping myself busy and happy, so he doesn’t have to worry about entertaining me .

It has gotten a lot better, in the beginning we had been apart in a long distance relationship for almost a year, not seeing each other in the Flesh – at all. Meaning NO SEX for either of us for that whole time, and communicating only via post, email, skype and texts. Our love lasted and grew stronger, and when I finally got here through an excruciating process, leaving my familiar and beloved Europe behind, my family, friends and my plans. For HIM. I wanted every second of the day with him, I wanted to squeeze every second for all the romance and intensity I could get, that I had longed for, that I had waited for. But it didn’t take long for him to start needing more space for himself, which broke my heart. It was a disappointment. I started doubting us. Yeah yeah, people are different, but I think that when you really love someone you’ll want to be with them all the time..bla bla bla…. but after a while, some passionate arguments, fights, I learned and came to accept that we are different, and love each other the same, on the same level, but a little differently. And He didn’t ask for much. He needed to get used to me too, having me there all the time, and me to him, our mood-swings, habits, buttons and laundry detergent. And we did. We do spend a hell of a lot of time together. He always chooses me. Hang out with friends, go out, stay behind at work with his coworkers drinking, -no. He comes home. To me. Cycles happily with the helmet I insisted he’d buy and wear, that makes him look like an idiot. To see, me. To hold me. And THAT’s what I want. It makes me purr.

I am glad and willing to push him out the door to hang out with friends more, and he is so positively surprised when I do. Of course!! Friends are so important. He doesn’t have friends on the level I do, not here, he’s not like me. But his buddies, are nice for him to have, so they can watch sports together and all those typical manly things. And the result is, which also pleases me, he misses me. And when he comes home he’s all over me. And I play casual and hard to get…ahhhh Im so in love! It’s sunday, and I am going to a party with some friends tonight. He’s been up since early this morning to catch every single football game. He’s exhausted from standing (!) in front of the TV, running back and forth to his fantasy football league on his computer all day. Now he’s snoozing away, and I look over at his chunky thighs and meaty buttocks… I love him. And he loves me. We are growing, we are learning, our love… is evolving. And as long as we are as passionate for each other as we are, because that is what this kitty needs, I will never give up.

I should have done the dishes right away

Another luxurious day of getting to do everything I want in my own time. But there is a downside. My husband fell asleep around eleven last night and headed to school this morning. I fell asleep around 5:30 in the morning after a night of worrying about a struggling family member back in home, (where I am not). I woke up at 1:30 pm, and my neck and back was aching. I sent a message to my husband wishing him to continue to have a good day. He responded nicely.

I got a call back from the clinic about my PAP smear and STD test and all is well. Although that blasted nurse needs to change her opening lines, because for a minute there I almost had a panic attack. I texted him that and I felt relief. I went for a swim in the pool, dried off and stretched out on the floor a bit, made his bed, made my bed and looked for his lunch box so I could prepare that for him, as he has a very short time (40 min.) between school and work. I couldn’t find the elastic band holding it together, so I didn’t prepare it. I thought that it wouldn’t be a big deal since he doesn’t expect me to do it. I saw the heap of dishes he had left from this morning and delayed doing it.

I went down got the mail, got another check from my prospected job, (teaching an after school class). I sent them a receipt and filed the check. I can’t use the checks until I’ve got enough applications, if I don’t reach the minimum of interested people, I’m going to have to refund them, so I am kind of nervous about that. My babysitting employer also texted me about a group childcare job, which I JUST missed out on, as the positions were filled really quickly. I felt bummed, and as my husband came home, I updated him.

He had found a Hydro Flask in the library that a guy had left behind, he was there for two hours and the guy never came back. He took it home. I said, dude, wasn’t there a lost and found? Couldn’t you have handed it in? ‘No there wasn’t a lost and found in the library’ But what about the campus somewhere, surely? When you left my glasses in the library someone had handed it in! “Yeah, but the guy didn’t seem to care about the bottle. He just left it there and never came back. He didn’t seem bothered with it.” I quickly gave up and just said, ‘you are hilarious’. Although I disagreed with his choice, But whatever.

He stood by the kitchen area and I said, “Oh I was going to make you lunch but I couldn’t find your elastic band” He found it really quickly and just left it on the counter, saying nothing. Then he started doing the dishes saying; “I’m going to make myself something to eat.” I could tell his mood was bad and I asked if he was ok. Yeah. Did I do something wrong? No. But he ‘wished that it would be available for him to cook’. So I quickly gathered that he was annoyed that I hadn’t done the dishes. I thought of offering to do them, and for him to do something else that he needed to, but I knew he would say no as he had already started. I just sat there a while, watching, feeling bad. Then I moved over to the couch and continued my research end emails.

After a while he said that he was going to get something to eat at work instead. I barely acknowledged him, and he left and we exchanged polite pleasantries. I held the door open for him as he left with his bicycle. I was angry. Way to make me feel inadequate! Jesus. Yeah he is stressed, and I could have made it easier for him by doing the dishes, but god dammit don’t give me that attitude! I’m not here to be your fucking cleaning lady! I HATE This ! I feel so unequal and shitty and I only made the beds and made things look neat so that he would be happy when he came home! I don’t CARE about those things, I’ll do it when I WANT to do it. I am doing this HIS way, (yeah they are more adult and organized) But it’s HIS way so that HE is more comfortable. I was pissed off for a while, and looked at my phone hoping he would send me an apology. Then I changed my mind and texted HIM an apology. Thinking, Don’t make it all about ME. I get to have a nice relaxing day alone, the only thing I really have to do is cook dinner for us.  I texted;

“I’m sorry if I made your transition bad. I’ll make sure to have the dishes done the next time. Hope you got fed well and are feeling better. And sorry that I didn’t see the elastic band. I promise to make you lunch tomorrow. x”

He hasn’t seen it yet. And I’m still feeling shitty THREE hours later. I need to get better at letting things go and enjoying myself. Heeeeeeeeeelp…

Eye drops on my red eyes and rest for the mind

Are we still married?

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I woke up at my friends house way too early after a long night of fretting, crying and talking to my best friend from home on the phone. Viber is a great app. She had calmed me down a hell of a lot, and empathized with me and lulled me to sleep. I woke up with a knot in my stomach. It’s like my brain had been screwed on the whole time, I knew exactly where I was and what had happened as soon as I opened my eyes. I woke up to the sound of silent vibration, and I frantically checked my phone, hoping, terrified that it was him, my husband, saying something loving, instead of anyone else saying anything else.

I looked at my phone, and the breath was kicked out of me as I read messages from my husband; “Are you okay? I miss you.. Can you come home? Please..” “Are you up?” I answered right away, “Yes… I’ll come.” And I walked home in the scorching and bright morning sun, having left my friend a grateful note. I felt calmer, but still unsettled, a little angry. I knew I had acted wrongly, and that I needed to improve, after our little argument that just got out of hand, but I felt wronged too, threatened and exhausted.

As I finally walked through the door, I was instantly greeted by a very worried looking husband. He backed off tentatively as I took my shoes off and put my backpack down. I walked inside and got myself a glass of cold water. We looked at each other, and he said sorry. He hugged me, firmly, nervous and breathed slowly but heavily, while saying “I am so sorry” several times. I had forgotten my phone at my friends place, and I had an important day ahead of me, and I needed my phone, so after we had talked a little, he offered to cycle with me to my friends place, collect my phone and cycle home together for some more hours of sleep. We cycled quietly past the tourists, bright and happy on their way to the beach. When we came home, we were smiling, and carefully moving around each other not saying much.

We laid down on the bed together. He was mild, attentive, and so incredible like he always is when we make up. I hate that it takes something horrible like this to get him into this state. My eyes were Soooo red… Bloodshut, and my hair was frazzled and I was just emotionally and mentally drained. He was tired too, he hadn’t slept very well. I was glad I had left, because I slept a lot better than I would have in our apartment, listening to him snoring.. while I was heartbroken and petrified that we were heading towards a divorce.

I told him that he shouldn’t set conditions for our love, close couples living together argue..! That’s a fact! And in some periods, more than usual. And we are in our FIRST year of marriage, which is HARD. He agreed. I asked him if he truly felt those things he had said, “Maybe we aren’t right.” He said that he didn’t mean it, but he had learned the language from me. That in my scared worried thoughtless ramblings I had uttered similar words of doubt, and this had stuck in his brain. Like I mentioned after that argument in ‘Nighttime sexytime failure’ and discovering that he had used threatening language (“I thought I married a grown up, I didn’t sign up for this…) because I had uttered threatening words first. We agreed that we should be careful with those things, as they only make us less confident and secure with each other. And that we shouldn’t say it unless we REALLY meant it, and that meant that something drastic had to be done. He was very sorry. I had already apologized on the night for my stupid behavior, but what he wanted was a reaction from me that maybe made me realize that I had caused him a lot of stress too, with these night time arguments. (Although that is pretty much the only time we are together – with our schedule.) I asked him if he meant that it was ALL my fault for the arguments. He said “of course not.” And I felt a whole lot better.

We slept… woke up. Smiled at each other. And I just knew… things were okay, and I didn’t need to ponder on things… it is NOT the beginning of the end, we are together, and we are getting better, we are getting through those shitty fights NOW, learning.   – Are we still married? Yes.

Sleepless nights and red tired eyes

Last night we once again argued. It’s been more frequent than usual, and I know it irritates him. Me too, but I had a feeling he thinks that it’s my fault. And indeed, he confirmed last night after a silly little bicker session.

I am on the rag, and we haven’t had sex for four days now, and that SUCKS, for the both of us. He’s said that maybe he wouldn’t masturbate and take a break from it, which made me so happy as I felt like they made things more equal. I came home twenty minutes before him last night and he came in catching me trying to quickly make him a dinner. He was so happy and we were both happy. I went to the gym for an hour and came home around one at night, so he could play some Madden and fantasy football and be alone. I had said that I was maybe ‘wink wink’ going to “treat” him (Meaning blow job) as I felt that he deserved it, holding out. When I came home I started rubbing him down with baby oil, and I could instantly tell that his penis didn’t react as fast as usual. As I started putting it in my mouth and doing my thing, it slowly got harder, and I asked if he had been naughty while I was away. And he admitted that he had.

I just got so annoyed, I was exhausted, and I didn’t want to give him a fucking Blow job if he had already jerked off! It’s not like I was going to get laid or get any oral pleasure myself. So I said ‘forget about it,’ and went over to the water cooler to drink. And he understandably got kind of pissed off. He was all rolling his eyes and saying this and that, and I sat down and tried to explain. I am sorry I just don’t really fancy doing it right now, I could tell, it took longer, which means harder work for me! And he said that he couldn’t BELIEVE that he was frowned upon for masturbating. I tried to say that it’s not what I meant, It was the build up and the expectation and me giving him a treat, and me feeling like he ruined that somehow. And as we were talking I could feel closer to a solution, but then he uttered the words; “Here we are again… two o clock in the morning, having a fight.”

He was saying two different things, that he was okay and relaxed and he didn’t want to talk about it anymore, and on the other hand he said that it was ME who kept arguing at night, that he thought that I just got that way late at night, that I took things more personally. He basically implied that All the late night arguments were all my fault. I said that, well, this doesn’t make me feel very good, and I don’t think that’s true either. We are TWO human beings, it’s a two edged sword, but he insisted that it was me, it was my problem. This really upset me, and I threw the baby oil bottle hard into the floor in an angry outburst, quickly picked it up and brought it to the bathroom and sobbed. I got myself together, wiped off my face, came back out and apologized. “I’m sorry I overreacted about the masturbation, I am sorry we are arguing late at night again, and I am sorry that I threw the bottle.” He didn’t say anything. NOTHING. He turned on ’22 jump street’ just like planned. And I asked him to pause it after a while. He paused it and looked at me obliviously. ‘Do have anything to say yet?’ ‘Not now no.’ And he walked passively and annoyed over to the bed and put on his “Im so tired” face. And he said, “Well.. maybe we’re NOT right.”  (!!!!!!)

“I can’t go on like this, you are just bringing up these arguments late at night, all the time, it’s happening all the time. And it wears me down.” “It wears ME down too! I am exhausted! And it’s not just me!!! It’s a two way street.” “Yeah.. yeah.. OKay.” He said with an air of “whatever – sarcasm” I wanted to hit him. And my heart was sinking into my bowels as he had said that maybe we weren’t right for each other after all. What did that mean!? He was using threatening language again! And this is on NO way going to improve things using that kind of language. I remained calm and asked, what do you want to do now? And he said he didn’t know and rolled over. I was panicking. I told him that I was going to go for a walk, and I didn’t reach the bottom of our apartment building before I had made my mind up to go and stay with a friend, luckily she was awake. I went back in and started packing. I said that I was going to stay with my friend for tonight and come home the next day to get ready for my big audition. He asked me half-heartedly to stay, and I said that I wouldn’t be able to sleep after what he had said, and I didn’t want to stay here keeping him up. As I walked out the door and down the street, I was sobbing my heart out, wishing that he would come after me, stop me… Wandering, wondering, – is this the beginning of the end?

Why does money have to be so…

A lovely couple gave us some real good advice, over six months ago, before we got married… One of the biggest issues that come up in a marriage is; finance. “Have finance meetings.” They told us, “Talk about it, communicate positively about it, iron out your issues and plan things out together.” We’ve been okay with finance, we’ve had a few meetings, and things have been OK. I haven’t been able to work, since I just got to the states. I got my work authorization card in late august, and it’s now October, and I still haven’t managed to get a solid, job. Nothing that is signed, sealed, delivered… I’m waiting, and being as proactive as I can without pushing too hard. It’s a small community and I don’t want to ruin my reputation.

We had to take out a $1000 from our savings this month to pay our bills, and there are still things coming at me that has to be paid. I’ve paid all my own major bills such as student loan with my own money that I got from tax return etc. But I initiated having this meeting so we could update each other, I could tell him where I am at so that he knows what I am doing towards work, and he could tell me his concerns.

The meeting was running smoothly, as in I was talking and calculating estimated income from the two jobs I have lined up, which are still not solid. And he was looking at pictures on instagram, videos, reading stuff from his phone, joking and responding. He was listening, but I didn’t feel that he had that much to say. As I encouraged him to say something he said he was fine, and I told him how good he had done these six months taking care of the both of us. All of a sudden things turned around a little, and he started saying that our plans to move to Los Angeles next June isn’t going to happen if I don’t save around $700 a month, and that he likes to live comfortably, and that he doesn’t like working this hard without anything to show for it… All in a jumbled order and out of nowhere. All of a sudden I was sitting there feeling stressed out and weird, and not understanding what was going on. It’s to boring to write down what happened and what we talked about and how we tried to turn the mood around… I just can’t be bothered to write it.

The point is, he is trying to cuddle and relax, after cutting me off trying to REALLY iron it out, so that I could feel a 100% better, understandably so as he has to get up and go to school and do an exam. He said that, went over to his computer and played a bit of fantasy football league. At first I thought he felt guilty, as he came over all cute and lovingly, then I realized he wanted to get laid. It wasn’t going to happen as I got my period today (which isn’t an issue really but I am in a lot of pain). He was trying to get my mind of things, and I said that I understand that he had to cut me off this time, but that instead of getting passive and turning around almost sleeping, that he could just try and work a little harder towards an end so that we could really sort things out before bed, for my sake, as I can’t really rest if it isn’t. He agreed and we were okay. But I’m still grumpy. I told him to just chill and watch TV or whatever that he shouldn’t worry I’ll try to get out of the funk myself. He didn’t say anything, but turned on the TV. And I’m like; :HEY! Say SOMETHING… say yes! or No! Or okay babe, that’s fine. Don’t just say nothing! Jeez. Then he said, “Yes. Ok. I don’t want you to get stressed. But I am going to rest now.” So I nodded satisfied and went over to my mac to write. Drown myself in this blog post and just get it out.

Why does money have to rule our lives? I think I am quite good at looking at money the way it should be. I’ve been really poor before, and I’ve been okay to the point where I could travel to a destination on the other side of the world and volunteer for charitable causes. And all of that, by myself, and the generous mother that I have, who allows me to creep back into my childhood bedroom when I need to save money. Now, I haven’t worked at all for six months and he is taking care of anything, so it would seem like a dick thing to do, to try and say; It’s just money. It’ll always come back, there will always be money coming and going. But life, is precious. And THAT’s what we should worry about, and work hard for. To be happy. And that working hard and having no money to “show for” as he says, is sometimes life! We are in our mid twenties, and people have mortgages and children, and we are OKAY! I can’t wait to work. So that when he keeps tabs on things, and hours and uses it as a weapon in an argument or as an excuse when he has behaved like a dick, I can prove him wrong. I would like to think that I wouldn’t guilt trip him if I was the one taking care of us. Which would be the situation I would prefer. He is supportive, he SAYS he likes taking care of me. But again, he DOES mention those things and THOSE words are what makes me UNABLE to live the “good life” of not working and doing whatever I want to do in the day.

GIVE ME MONEY! Please! So I can throw it at him, pay my bills and just LIVE LIFE. 😦

Nighttime sexytime failure – update

Today is our 6 month wedding anniversary, and we are celebrating later. We’ve both been busy, but he is off for the rest of the day, and I am going to a class in 15 min. Then I am off too. I already know what t wear. My red laced dress, and he has booked a table at a fancy restaurant.

But i have a big lump in my belly as things seem to have taken a serious turn. He is concerned about last nights events. I overreacted. I walked out of the apartment to get some air crying, and as he told me t come back, I called him a dick. That is not adult behavior. And in his words, he thought he married an adult. And if this happens over and over, he will start thinking; what did i get myself into? He wants me to bring it up with the counselor. I am a bit flustered, as he used those words that feel pretty threatening to me, not to mention angry that he would say those things, as if he always acts like a grown up. I have numerous examples… I don’t know what to do. Now I have to go. Wish me luck..?

Nighttime sexytime failure

What a negative headline, you may think, and at the end of the post you may think that I Am indeed looking at the negative rather than all the positives. It has been a successful funday Sunday. And like a stupid joke, as the clock strikes twelve and Sunday turns to Monday, my luck turns too.

Are we still married? Yeah.

After a successful matinee show, having struggled through the whole play being sleepy and unfocused, I rejected my theater friends’ Sunday-traditional outing, wanting to go home, to rest and spend time with my husband. We immediately went grocery shopping, got dinner, watched our favorite shows and had a short but sweet sex session, before we pigged out some more with ice cream until we barely could move. The Sex, was good, but very very short, my husband tried to tease me for a little while which does indeed help me, it makes me wetter and it makes the first few minutes less painful. But I had an inkling that I wouldn’t get much out of it while we started as we were both in a lazy mood so I got my vibrator and had a nice quick orgasm while we were making out and I watched him touch himself. We then did a little bit of one of our fantasies, him being a young student and me his teacher, and yeah he played his role well as he came after a MINUTE. He wasn’t really holding back as I’m assuming he thought it was okay to cum early since I had already had my fix. He was a little embarrassed however and his teacher comforted him by saying; “That’s normal for young boys.. not to worry. And the good news is, your big cock will be ready to go again later..” And we snuggled and watched tv.

He fell asleep, and I was watching a movie, reading some blogs, then I got horny and thought I’d sneak over to his bed and wake him up pleasantly being naked and luring him into having sex with me. I’ve attempted this before ( four months ago) and it didn’t end very well. He was so sleepy and got grumpy and rejected me pretty harshly, and  I took it pretty badly. We have discussed it many times, and he insists that that wont happen again, and there is NO way he would reject me if he woke up with me blowing him in the middle of the night. And GOD knows how many times he has woken ME up when I was sleeping or Just about to sleep. But my attempt tonight AGAIN… failed. Miserably.

I started stroking him and he woke up, moved away and said I was so hot. I got a little upset but tried not to take it too seriously as he had insisted before that it would work. I try again, kissing hm and stroking, he turned around and made a grunt, ad I said “don’t you wanna cuddle?” and he replied; “No, Let me sleep.” And rolled over. I moved back over to the futon. After I had cried for a while, he asked is I was okay. I didn’t answer. He said it was nothing personal, and that he thought we should sleep as we have to get up early tomorrow. Yeah.. I have to get up at 6:30 and he has to get up at 11. And here I am. Quarter past one, writing.. while he is sleeping away.

A little Lonely

Kangaroo - Cuddly toy - stuffed animal - Teddy bear - Cute Kangaroo - sleeping

It’s been a little up and down this week, and last night I confronted my stressed out husband about how I’ve felt. He’s got exams coming up, and this is only his second week back in school. He hasn’t really been working as productively, I’ve noticed that too, he’s been juggling Work, School, Being a commissioner of a Fantasy football league, and Homework pretty well. But he isn’t really taking time to spend quality time with me. Because when he is done with all of this, he either needs to sleep, eat or take some ‘me time’. And to be honest, it has left me feeling quite lonely.

I’ve been quite busy too, and I feel like I’ve utilized that in the hours when we are sitting on our separate computers, and doing our own thing. I’ll be quiet, but occasionally comment or something or ask a question. And this is ALL fine really, but in addition to this, he is moody and impatient with me. I came home the other day from my first day at my new job, I had only worked four hours but I had gotten up early after little sleep, so I was tired but excited, and I had a show later that night at the theater. He asked me how it was, but kept zoning out and staring at the football game on TV as I was talking. After a while I made a joke about it and lied down to rest, and hoped that he would overcompensate and continue the conversation, or at least apologize. I fell asleep after a while.

As I was sleeping, I woke up needing some water, and I said that he didn’t need to keep Seinfeld on the TV, and I said he could change the channel. But He said it was okay as he knew I’d sleep better to this. – I have suffered a bit from insomnia and struggle to sleep without sound. Later I woke up again to the sound of fingers clicking a controller. He was playing Madden, and the TV is right next to the bed, so I woke up from that single sound, as it was solely that sound. I kept rolling around a bit, since the silence got my mind to race.. and I was plagued by the silence. I fell asleep, woke up, fell asleep, woke up. Then I said, thinking that he had kept the sound off, for my sake; “I’d actually prefer it if you had the sound on I think.” He just said yeah and kept playing. After a little while I added, “So What I am saying is, can you turn the sound on?” And he just mumbled annoyed back to me, and I rolled over. I woke up later after a SHITTY nap, and he was all huffing and puffing around, getting ready to go to the gym. Then he threw the remote control on to where I was lying, and I asked what was up.

He didn’t like how I had said to turn the sound up. And he thought that I was being inconsiderate. I said I thought he was inconsiderate when I came home and he didn’t listen to me. And he started ranting on about how busy he is, with homework, and that he needed to get on with his day, so I should take that into consideration and bla bla bla, and he had just woken up when I came home… (Like I had just then). As he came back from the gym later he wasn’t in much better of a mood. And we left each other in an unsettled mood when we went to work.

When I was in the theater getting ready to go onstage, he texted me; “I;m sorry babe, I’m stressed out about the exams, and I shouldn’t take it out on you. I’m just being grumpy today. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I accepted it and said we needed to talk it out later as I wasn’t happy and we needed a new strategy for his stress levels and for me to get some romance out of our mundane lives. The talk was long and it took us a while to get anywhere. I expressed how I felt a little like he wasn’t IN love with me. And that he didn’t give me the same focus as he does on everything else that he does so well, because around me he wants to shut down and just watch TV, like we are best buddies all the time. We talked through trying to give him more QUIET no TV time to study, and strategies for that. It was good.

Later as I was sleeping on the futon, (The bed has given me back problems,) and he was on the bed, he came over to me and spooned me for a Looong time, stroking my back and arms, holding me. He rarely does this, and when he does he doesn’t do it for long. He gets so hot so quickly, and he gets tired of stroking. I couldn’t believe it, AND we were watching a Holocaust movie which is my favorite genre. I thin sleeping in separate beds for a week also contributed to not feeling that closeness. I fell asleep before the movie was over…! (miracle) and I slept like a BABY!

If ANYONE has read ALL of this, then… thank you ! Well done.. haha. I bet it’s been boring and self-indulgent even. But if anyone take anything from this, or enjoying reading it in the slightest, Please comment! Let me know..! I would love some feedback. xxx LW

“one of us has to work”

It’s never nice to hear that.

No, after having my employment authorization card for a month, I still haven’t got a job. Although I have two very good opportunities up my sleeve.  I think I might have two well paid jobs soon, and I am very excited about it, so I don’t have to feel guilty and inadequate all the time.

Oh my husband has been super supportive, as he is studying and working as a server, and we are basically living off his tips, he is working very hard and doing very well. He didn’t however do all of this for ME. It’s not like I asked him to move his world and leave everyone behind and start over. It’s not like he has changed his life at ALL. He would be doing the exact same thing if i wasn’t here. Yeah, he could spend more of his hard earned money on more stuff from Amazon, but hey, he wouldn’t get laid every day and a Blow Job several times a week.

He will say, when I tell him that I feel guilty and stressed, that I shouldn’t think that way and that he doesn’t, but then when I am irritating him wanting some attention while he is sitting down with his Fantasy Football league, he’ll turn around and say; “I’m tired babe, One of us has to work.” I told him I didn’t like him saying that, but then he said; ” It’s true, and I want it to be acknowledged. I need you to respect that.”

Yeah, so I had a lazy day today, where I sat on the couch writing, researching and watching TV, masturbating now and then and having a jolly good time. But I also sold our cooler on Craigslist, got it picked up, and made cash, Cooked dinner and went to the gym. and I remarked on having a nice day off from the theater and it looking like he had a Pajama party all day, and his attitude changed as soon as I said that, and I KNOW that THAT was what made him say that. If I hadn’t said anything, which I did to show appreciation that I can do that, he never would have thought of it, and used that excuse. I do understand and respect if he is tired, and I would back off if he tells me that, but DON’T use that JOB argument.

And just as I wrote this, he asked if I was mad at him and I promptly and irritably replied yes, he came over, and I said that I understood that he is tired, and I can respect that and he can do what he wants, but don’t expect me to NOT feel guilty and stressed out when he uses that argument, he apologized and said it wasn’t really about me, but about him. We sorted it out quickly and sweetly… And Now I sit here smiling, beaming, watching him play Madden.