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For a while now I have felt alone in my faith in myself. I work hard at everything I do, perhaps not so hard at sticking to my diet and working out but, I am trying to make opportunities for myself, as well as paying the bills in a job that I am happy in.

My mother doesn’t get what I do. And my asshole father isn’t in the picture so forget about him. My family are all far away, so I am here, with my husband, and he just doesn’t show any interest in what I do. He doesn’t come to any of the events i facilitate, he doesn’t read my material, he doesn’t ask to. He doesn’t ask to see anything I’ve made, and when I sometimes ask, he’ll reject the offer politely. It might as well has been a rude rejection, it hurts just as much.

Fuck them all.

My mother comes with shitty unsupportive comments, picking me apart, trying to steer me in a different direction, a direction she likes. I’ve gotten better at taking criticism, and sometimes just leaving something alone, when I want to defend myself.

I don’t know why, but despite it all, I believe in myself. I believe I can succeed. Why? Nobody’s telling me I can do it, that I am good enough. Anyone who does is not a constant in my life, or not even that close to me. Should it matter what they think? Does it mean anything? Should it matter what my husband thinks, and my family?

Am I doing it for myself? No. But it would be nice to be with someone who gets it, and who makes me feel like I am doing good, that he is interested, fascinated, that he LIKES it. THAT, makes me think of divorce. To just be alone. Why should I be with someone who doesn’t show that he cares.

Are we still married? Yes.

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I should have done the dishes right away

Another luxurious day of getting to do everything I want in my own time. But there is a downside. My husband fell asleep around eleven last night and headed to school this morning. I fell asleep around 5:30 in the morning after a night of worrying about a struggling family member back in home, (where I am not). I woke up at 1:30 pm, and my neck and back was aching. I sent a message to my husband wishing him to continue to have a good day. He responded nicely.

I got a call back from the clinic about my PAP smear and STD test and all is well. Although that blasted nurse needs to change her opening lines, because for a minute there I almost had a panic attack. I texted him that and I felt relief. I went for a swim in the pool, dried off and stretched out on the floor a bit, made his bed, made my bed and looked for his lunch box so I could prepare that for him, as he has a very short time (40 min.) between school and work. I couldn’t find the elastic band holding it together, so I didn’t prepare it. I thought that it wouldn’t be a big deal since he doesn’t expect me to do it. I saw the heap of dishes he had left from this morning and delayed doing it.

I went down got the mail, got another check from my prospected job, (teaching an after school class). I sent them a receipt and filed the check. I can’t use the checks until I’ve got enough applications, if I don’t reach the minimum of interested people, I’m going to have to refund them, so I am kind of nervous about that. My babysitting employer also texted me about a group childcare job, which I JUST missed out on, as the positions were filled really quickly. I felt bummed, and as my husband came home, I updated him.

He had found a Hydro Flask in the library that a guy had left behind, he was there for two hours and the guy never came back. He took it home. I said, dude, wasn’t there a lost and found? Couldn’t you have handed it in? ‘No there wasn’t a lost and found in the library’ But what about the campus somewhere, surely? When you left my glasses in the library someone had handed it in! “Yeah, but the guy didn’t seem to care about the bottle. He just left it there and never came back. He didn’t seem bothered with it.” I quickly gave up and just said, ‘you are hilarious’. Although I disagreed with his choice, But whatever.

He stood by the kitchen area and I said, “Oh I was going to make you lunch but I couldn’t find your elastic band” He found it really quickly and just left it on the counter, saying nothing. Then he started doing the dishes saying; “I’m going to make myself something to eat.” I could tell his mood was bad and I asked if he was ok. Yeah. Did I do something wrong? No. But he ‘wished that it would be available for him to cook’. So I quickly gathered that he was annoyed that I hadn’t done the dishes. I thought of offering to do them, and for him to do something else that he needed to, but I knew he would say no as he had already started. I just sat there a while, watching, feeling bad. Then I moved over to the couch and continued my research end emails.

After a while he said that he was going to get something to eat at work instead. I barely acknowledged him, and he left and we exchanged polite pleasantries. I held the door open for him as he left with his bicycle. I was angry. Way to make me feel inadequate! Jesus. Yeah he is stressed, and I could have made it easier for him by doing the dishes, but god dammit don’t give me that attitude! I’m not here to be your fucking cleaning lady! I HATE This ! I feel so unequal and shitty and I only made the beds and made things look neat so that he would be happy when he came home! I don’t CARE about those things, I’ll do it when I WANT to do it. I am doing this HIS way, (yeah they are more adult and organized) But it’s HIS way so that HE is more comfortable. I was pissed off for a while, and looked at my phone hoping he would send me an apology. Then I changed my mind and texted HIM an apology. Thinking, Don’t make it all about ME. I get to have a nice relaxing day alone, the only thing I really have to do is cook dinner for us.  I texted;

“I’m sorry if I made your transition bad. I’ll make sure to have the dishes done the next time. Hope you got fed well and are feeling better. And sorry that I didn’t see the elastic band. I promise to make you lunch tomorrow. x”

He hasn’t seen it yet. And I’m still feeling shitty THREE hours later. I need to get better at letting things go and enjoying myself. Heeeeeeeeeelp…

“one of us has to work”

It’s never nice to hear that.

No, after having my employment authorization card for a month, I still haven’t got a job. Although I have two very good opportunities up my sleeve.  I think I might have two well paid jobs soon, and I am very excited about it, so I don’t have to feel guilty and inadequate all the time.

Oh my husband has been super supportive, as he is studying and working as a server, and we are basically living off his tips, he is working very hard and doing very well. He didn’t however do all of this for ME. It’s not like I asked him to move his world and leave everyone behind and start over. It’s not like he has changed his life at ALL. He would be doing the exact same thing if i wasn’t here. Yeah, he could spend more of his hard earned money on more stuff from Amazon, but hey, he wouldn’t get laid every day and a Blow Job several times a week.

He will say, when I tell him that I feel guilty and stressed, that I shouldn’t think that way and that he doesn’t, but then when I am irritating him wanting some attention while he is sitting down with his Fantasy Football league, he’ll turn around and say; “I’m tired babe, One of us has to work.” I told him I didn’t like him saying that, but then he said; ” It’s true, and I want it to be acknowledged. I need you to respect that.”

Yeah, so I had a lazy day today, where I sat on the couch writing, researching and watching TV, masturbating now and then and having a jolly good time. But I also sold our cooler on Craigslist, got it picked up, and made cash, Cooked dinner and went to the gym. and I remarked on having a nice day off from the theater and it looking like he had a Pajama party all day, and his attitude changed as soon as I said that, and I KNOW that THAT was what made him say that. If I hadn’t said anything, which I did to show appreciation that I can do that, he never would have thought of it, and used that excuse. I do understand and respect if he is tired, and I would back off if he tells me that, but DON’T use that JOB argument.

And just as I wrote this, he asked if I was mad at him and I promptly and irritably replied yes, he came over, and I said that I understood that he is tired, and I can respect that and he can do what he wants, but don’t expect me to NOT feel guilty and stressed out when he uses that argument, he apologized and said it wasn’t really about me, but about him. We sorted it out quickly and sweetly… And Now I sit here smiling, beaming, watching him play Madden.