Eye drops on my red eyes and rest for the mind

Are we still married?


I woke up at my friends house way too early after a long night of fretting, crying and talking to my best friend from home on the phone. Viber is a great app. She had calmed me down a hell of a lot, and empathized with me and lulled me to sleep. I woke up with a knot in my stomach. It’s like my brain had been screwed on the whole time, I knew exactly where I was and what had happened as soon as I opened my eyes. I woke up to the sound of silent vibration, and I frantically checked my phone, hoping, terrified that it was him, my husband, saying something loving, instead of anyone else saying anything else.

I looked at my phone, and the breath was kicked out of me as I read messages from my husband; “Are you okay? I miss you.. Can you come home? Please..” “Are you up?” I answered right away, “Yes… I’ll come.” And I walked home in the scorching and bright morning sun, having left my friend a grateful note. I felt calmer, but still unsettled, a little angry. I knew I had acted wrongly, and that I needed to improve, after our little argument that just got out of hand, but I felt wronged too, threatened and exhausted.

As I finally walked through the door, I was instantly greeted by a very worried looking husband. He backed off tentatively as I took my shoes off and put my backpack down. I walked inside and got myself a glass of cold water. We looked at each other, and he said sorry. He hugged me, firmly, nervous and breathed slowly but heavily, while saying “I am so sorry” several times. I had forgotten my phone at my friends place, and I had an important day ahead of me, and I needed my phone, so after we had talked a little, he offered to cycle with me to my friends place, collect my phone and cycle home together for some more hours of sleep. We cycled quietly past the tourists, bright and happy on their way to the beach. When we came home, we were smiling, and carefully moving around each other not saying much.

We laid down on the bed together. He was mild, attentive, and so incredible like he always is when we make up. I hate that it takes something horrible like this to get him into this state. My eyes were Soooo red… Bloodshut, and my hair was frazzled and I was just emotionally and mentally drained. He was tired too, he hadn’t slept very well. I was glad I had left, because I slept a lot better than I would have in our apartment, listening to him snoring.. while I was heartbroken and petrified that we were heading towards a divorce.

I told him that he shouldn’t set conditions for our love, close couples living together argue..! That’s a fact! And in some periods, more than usual. And we are in our FIRST year of marriage, which is HARD. He agreed. I asked him if he truly felt those things he had said, “Maybe we aren’t right.” He said that he didn’t mean it, but he had learned the language from me. That in my scared worried thoughtless ramblings I had uttered similar words of doubt, and this had stuck in his brain. Like I mentioned after that argument in ‘Nighttime sexytime failure’ and discovering that he had used threatening language (“I thought I married a grown up, I didn’t sign up for this…) because I had uttered threatening words first. We agreed that we should be careful with those things, as they only make us less confident and secure with each other. And that we shouldn’t say it unless we REALLY meant it, and that meant that something drastic had to be done. He was very sorry. I had already apologized on the night for my stupid behavior, but what he wanted was a reaction from me that maybe made me realize that I had caused him a lot of stress too, with these night time arguments. (Although that is pretty much the only time we are together – with our schedule.) I asked him if he meant that it was ALL my fault for the arguments. He said “of course not.” And I felt a whole lot better.

We slept… woke up. Smiled at each other. And I just knew… things were okay, and I didn’t need to ponder on things… it is NOT the beginning of the end, we are together, and we are getting better, we are getting through those shitty fights NOW, learning.   – Are we still married? Yes.


Sleepless nights and red tired eyes

Last night we once again argued. It’s been more frequent than usual, and I know it irritates him. Me too, but I had a feeling he thinks that it’s my fault. And indeed, he confirmed last night after a silly little bicker session.

I am on the rag, and we haven’t had sex for four days now, and that SUCKS, for the both of us. He’s said that maybe he wouldn’t masturbate and take a break from it, which made me so happy as I felt like they made things more equal. I came home twenty minutes before him last night and he came in catching me trying to quickly make him a dinner. He was so happy and we were both happy. I went to the gym for an hour and came home around one at night, so he could play some Madden and fantasy football and be alone. I had said that I was maybe ‘wink wink’ going to “treat” him (Meaning blow job) as I felt that he deserved it, holding out. When I came home I started rubbing him down with baby oil, and I could instantly tell that his penis didn’t react as fast as usual. As I started putting it in my mouth and doing my thing, it slowly got harder, and I asked if he had been naughty while I was away. And he admitted that he had.

I just got so annoyed, I was exhausted, and I didn’t want to give him a fucking Blow job if he had already jerked off! It’s not like I was going to get laid or get any oral pleasure myself. So I said ‘forget about it,’ and went over to the water cooler to drink. And he understandably got kind of pissed off. He was all rolling his eyes and saying this and that, and I sat down and tried to explain. I am sorry I just don’t really fancy doing it right now, I could tell, it took longer, which means harder work for me! And he said that he couldn’t BELIEVE that he was frowned upon for masturbating. I tried to say that it’s not what I meant, It was the build up and the expectation and me giving him a treat, and me feeling like he ruined that somehow. And as we were talking I could feel closer to a solution, but then he uttered the words; “Here we are again… two o clock in the morning, having a fight.”

He was saying two different things, that he was okay and relaxed and he didn’t want to talk about it anymore, and on the other hand he said that it was ME who kept arguing at night, that he thought that I just got that way late at night, that I took things more personally. He basically implied that All the late night arguments were all my fault. I said that, well, this doesn’t make me feel very good, and I don’t think that’s true either. We are TWO human beings, it’s a two edged sword, but he insisted that it was me, it was my problem. This really upset me, and I threw the baby oil bottle hard into the floor in an angry outburst, quickly picked it up and brought it to the bathroom and sobbed. I got myself together, wiped off my face, came back out and apologized. “I’m sorry I overreacted about the masturbation, I am sorry we are arguing late at night again, and I am sorry that I threw the bottle.” He didn’t say anything. NOTHING. He turned on ’22 jump street’ just like planned. And I asked him to pause it after a while. He paused it and looked at me obliviously. ‘Do have anything to say yet?’ ‘Not now no.’ And he walked passively and annoyed over to the bed and put on his “Im so tired” face. And he said, “Well.. maybe we’re NOT right.”  (!!!!!!)

“I can’t go on like this, you are just bringing up these arguments late at night, all the time, it’s happening all the time. And it wears me down.” “It wears ME down too! I am exhausted! And it’s not just me!!! It’s a two way street.” “Yeah.. yeah.. OKay.” He said with an air of “whatever – sarcasm” I wanted to hit him. And my heart was sinking into my bowels as he had said that maybe we weren’t right for each other after all. What did that mean!? He was using threatening language again! And this is on NO way going to improve things using that kind of language. I remained calm and asked, what do you want to do now? And he said he didn’t know and rolled over. I was panicking. I told him that I was going to go for a walk, and I didn’t reach the bottom of our apartment building before I had made my mind up to go and stay with a friend, luckily she was awake. I went back in and started packing. I said that I was going to stay with my friend for tonight and come home the next day to get ready for my big audition. He asked me half-heartedly to stay, and I said that I wouldn’t be able to sleep after what he had said, and I didn’t want to stay here keeping him up. As I walked out the door and down the street, I was sobbing my heart out, wishing that he would come after me, stop me… Wandering, wondering, – is this the beginning of the end?

Nighttime sexytime failure – update

Today is our 6 month wedding anniversary, and we are celebrating later. We’ve both been busy, but he is off for the rest of the day, and I am going to a class in 15 min. Then I am off too. I already know what t wear. My red laced dress, and he has booked a table at a fancy restaurant.

But i have a big lump in my belly as things seem to have taken a serious turn. He is concerned about last nights events. I overreacted. I walked out of the apartment to get some air crying, and as he told me t come back, I called him a dick. That is not adult behavior. And in his words, he thought he married an adult. And if this happens over and over, he will start thinking; what did i get myself into? He wants me to bring it up with the counselor. I am a bit flustered, as he used those words that feel pretty threatening to me, not to mention angry that he would say those things, as if he always acts like a grown up. I have numerous examples… I don’t know what to do. Now I have to go. Wish me luck..?

A little Lonely

Kangaroo - Cuddly toy - stuffed animal - Teddy bear - Cute Kangaroo - sleeping

It’s been a little up and down this week, and last night I confronted my stressed out husband about how I’ve felt. He’s got exams coming up, and this is only his second week back in school. He hasn’t really been working as productively, I’ve noticed that too, he’s been juggling Work, School, Being a commissioner of a Fantasy football league, and Homework pretty well. But he isn’t really taking time to spend quality time with me. Because when he is done with all of this, he either needs to sleep, eat or take some ‘me time’. And to be honest, it has left me feeling quite lonely.

I’ve been quite busy too, and I feel like I’ve utilized that in the hours when we are sitting on our separate computers, and doing our own thing. I’ll be quiet, but occasionally comment or something or ask a question. And this is ALL fine really, but in addition to this, he is moody and impatient with me. I came home the other day from my first day at my new job, I had only worked four hours but I had gotten up early after little sleep, so I was tired but excited, and I had a show later that night at the theater. He asked me how it was, but kept zoning out and staring at the football game on TV as I was talking. After a while I made a joke about it and lied down to rest, and hoped that he would overcompensate and continue the conversation, or at least apologize. I fell asleep after a while.

As I was sleeping, I woke up needing some water, and I said that he didn’t need to keep Seinfeld on the TV, and I said he could change the channel. But He said it was okay as he knew I’d sleep better to this. – I have suffered a bit from insomnia and struggle to sleep without sound. Later I woke up again to the sound of fingers clicking a controller. He was playing Madden, and the TV is right next to the bed, so I woke up from that single sound, as it was solely that sound. I kept rolling around a bit, since the silence got my mind to race.. and I was plagued by the silence. I fell asleep, woke up, fell asleep, woke up. Then I said, thinking that he had kept the sound off, for my sake; “I’d actually prefer it if you had the sound on I think.” He just said yeah and kept playing. After a little while I added, “So What I am saying is, can you turn the sound on?” And he just mumbled annoyed back to me, and I rolled over. I woke up later after a SHITTY nap, and he was all huffing and puffing around, getting ready to go to the gym. Then he threw the remote control on to where I was lying, and I asked what was up.

He didn’t like how I had said to turn the sound up. And he thought that I was being inconsiderate. I said I thought he was inconsiderate when I came home and he didn’t listen to me. And he started ranting on about how busy he is, with homework, and that he needed to get on with his day, so I should take that into consideration and bla bla bla, and he had just woken up when I came home… (Like I had just then). As he came back from the gym later he wasn’t in much better of a mood. And we left each other in an unsettled mood when we went to work.

When I was in the theater getting ready to go onstage, he texted me; “I;m sorry babe, I’m stressed out about the exams, and I shouldn’t take it out on you. I’m just being grumpy today. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I accepted it and said we needed to talk it out later as I wasn’t happy and we needed a new strategy for his stress levels and for me to get some romance out of our mundane lives. The talk was long and it took us a while to get anywhere. I expressed how I felt a little like he wasn’t IN love with me. And that he didn’t give me the same focus as he does on everything else that he does so well, because around me he wants to shut down and just watch TV, like we are best buddies all the time. We talked through trying to give him more QUIET no TV time to study, and strategies for that. It was good.

Later as I was sleeping on the futon, (The bed has given me back problems,) and he was on the bed, he came over to me and spooned me for a Looong time, stroking my back and arms, holding me. He rarely does this, and when he does he doesn’t do it for long. He gets so hot so quickly, and he gets tired of stroking. I couldn’t believe it, AND we were watching a Holocaust movie which is my favorite genre. I thin sleeping in separate beds for a week also contributed to not feeling that closeness. I fell asleep before the movie was over…! (miracle) and I slept like a BABY!

If ANYONE has read ALL of this, then… thank you ! Well done.. haha. I bet it’s been boring and self-indulgent even. But if anyone take anything from this, or enjoying reading it in the slightest, Please comment! Let me know..! I would love some feedback. xxx LW

“one of us has to work”

It’s never nice to hear that.

No, after having my employment authorization card for a month, I still haven’t got a job. Although I have two very good opportunities up my sleeve.  I think I might have two well paid jobs soon, and I am very excited about it, so I don’t have to feel guilty and inadequate all the time.

Oh my husband has been super supportive, as he is studying and working as a server, and we are basically living off his tips, he is working very hard and doing very well. He didn’t however do all of this for ME. It’s not like I asked him to move his world and leave everyone behind and start over. It’s not like he has changed his life at ALL. He would be doing the exact same thing if i wasn’t here. Yeah, he could spend more of his hard earned money on more stuff from Amazon, but hey, he wouldn’t get laid every day and a Blow Job several times a week.

He will say, when I tell him that I feel guilty and stressed, that I shouldn’t think that way and that he doesn’t, but then when I am irritating him wanting some attention while he is sitting down with his Fantasy Football league, he’ll turn around and say; “I’m tired babe, One of us has to work.” I told him I didn’t like him saying that, but then he said; ” It’s true, and I want it to be acknowledged. I need you to respect that.”

Yeah, so I had a lazy day today, where I sat on the couch writing, researching and watching TV, masturbating now and then and having a jolly good time. But I also sold our cooler on Craigslist, got it picked up, and made cash, Cooked dinner and went to the gym. and I remarked on having a nice day off from the theater and it looking like he had a Pajama party all day, and his attitude changed as soon as I said that, and I KNOW that THAT was what made him say that. If I hadn’t said anything, which I did to show appreciation that I can do that, he never would have thought of it, and used that excuse. I do understand and respect if he is tired, and I would back off if he tells me that, but DON’T use that JOB argument.

And just as I wrote this, he asked if I was mad at him and I promptly and irritably replied yes, he came over, and I said that I understood that he is tired, and I can respect that and he can do what he wants, but don’t expect me to NOT feel guilty and stressed out when he uses that argument, he apologized and said it wasn’t really about me, but about him. We sorted it out quickly and sweetly… And Now I sit here smiling, beaming, watching him play Madden.

Tut tut

Are we still Married?

As an update to the lat post, https://arewestillmarried.wordpress.com/2014/09/22/quiet-monday/ – after crying and battling my thoughts, refusing to talk, to say anything at all, as I am always the one initiating “confrontation” or a talk-through after an argument or a tiff, I let it go, aaaaall night, and we fought a cold silent war all night, until he went to bed, not saying a single word.

I was sitting in the toilet CRYING at 3:30, and FINALLY after a looong time, he shouted at me from bed, and as I didn’t respond, he came into the bathroom and asked what was wrong. I asked him back. Then he said; ‘What do you think?’. As I said that I had no idea, he rolled his eyes and went back to bed. I followed and asked what was wrong. What had kept him silent since we checked out at Walmart, all the way home, all through making dinner, eating, me doing dishes, him watching movies, ignoring me until he went to bed? After HE had been impatient and kind of rude at Walmart?

‘I didn’t like the way you looked at those guys.’ I was shell shocked and confused, ‘What guys!?’ It was the black guys i mentioned in the last post that we had walked by and he had said ‘ Oh no.’ (we have this internal joke about black guys being attracted to me), and I teased him. REALLY?! All these hours of seeing me cry and being upset, ‘I thought you felt guilty.’ As I explained to him that I hadn’t looked at them at all and I didn’t remember how they looked even, I expressed that I didn’t feel sorry for him at all, and had he just told me this right away, HOURS ago, we could talk through it and made him feel better. Then had a nice night together. But NO, instead he behaved like a stubborn dick letting me cry in anguish.

Needless to say, he understood what he had done, and we kind of made up. This morning he texted me from school asking me if I forgive him. I said ‘Of course I do. Let’s just say I think you have some making up to do.’ And when I came home today he had bought me a water bottle just like I was looking at in Walmart, but a really nice expensive one. And he has been really lovely all day. He promised never to do that to me again.

Jealousy is something we have discussed for a very long time, and we are equally jealous of each other and we sometimes handle it badly, but I have always said that we just need to communicate about it. To tell each other when it happens, and how we feel, and be patient with each other. So his behavior was completely unjustified for many reasons.

Are we still married? Yes, yes we are.

Quiet monday

So… we are not talking now..? At all?

Today My husband went to school around noon, and I went to the beach with a good friend of mine, (a male friend) and had a blast catching up together, about life, ambitions, news, his girlfriend, my husband, all that stuff. I KNOW WHAT YOU MIGHT THINK, but NO, seriously, I am not one of those stupid women that THINK that they have a platonic friendship with a guy, who ACTUALLY would jump at the word ‘GO’ to bang you. I know those kind of guys, and I don’t entertain friendships with them now that I am married. My friend is a good buddy, and he isn’t like that. He respects our marriage, and we don’t fancy each other that way at all. That much was clear after we slept together that one time years ago, and never did it again. – We went for lunch and talked for a while more, then he drove me home and invited me and the husband to a game night down the street with some friends of ours.

I came home to my husband who hugged me and greeted me kind of nicely, but there was a sort of distance there, right from the start. We chatted while snuggling in bed, and I could tell that he was in that jealous grumpy mood, but nicely tried to remain neutral and relatively positive. Anyway, he politely rejected the game night offer, (like I knew he would) And we decided to go to Walmart to get some dinner and to look for a top mattress for our bed, as I’ve been sleeping really badly and had back problems and a stiff body. I also suggested to get me a water bottle, as the water in my plastic bottle got so hot at the beach today even though I kept it in the shade, in the bag, I was worried the plastic would kind of melt into the water etc. He was skeptical already then, and said, ‘Yeah if you think the juice is worth the squeeze’. At the moment he is the only one working, so I wanted his opinion, although I wasn’t planning on buying like a really expensive bottle.

We strolled to Walmart hand in hand, chatting away, but as soon as we entered the store, tension rose, as it usually does as he gets uncomfortable and very task focused. He is impatient, and hates when people are walking slowly in front of us. And he doesn’t like it when I don’t take the shopping seriously, and suggest things, and look at things that aren’t on the list. He stood for a while and looked at some different razors, picked one and got a shower sponge, we kept walking around a bit, I was teasing him a little, and stroking his back, which I know he likes. Then as I was talking away about stuff I could feel the interest decrease and the irritation building slightly, so I shut up for a while, until we got further into the store. He was trying to find mattresses, and on the way I sort of walked off towards this cool offer of painting stuff. As I could imagine he would think to himself ‘We are looking for a mattress for HER and she’s just flying around in lala land.’ I hurried and fount him. There were no cheap mattresses, but there was  a good foam one, which was like $113 , and I just saw his negative face, I was reading it and checking it out and he started waling. I said, ‘how much money do you want to spend on it?’ ‘Not that much money’. Then we kept walking towards the shelf with bottles. And as I spent kind of a while looking at the different types of bottles, none of them were exactly what I wanted, but they were like $7, and I’ve been drinking out of the same plastic smart water bottle for months, and even though I clean it it’s looking like shit. I asked him what he thought as he was standing there loosing his patience, ‘Which one should I get?’ ‘Well they don’t have the things that you said that you needed them for.’ I kept looking for a while, but I was getting stressed out feeling his eyes burning my neck, then I just said, let’s go. And put the bottles back. We paid, walked back home, cooked dinner, saying almost NOTHING, not asking one another what is the matter, I did all the dishes, he was laying on the couch watching tv, said nothing, and is still saying nothing.

Now he is brushing his teeth. I have a feeling that if I don’t say anything, LIKE I ALWAYS DO, nothing will be said, and he will soon lay down and say, ‘goodnight.’ And I will lay down to sleep later with fury in my belly.

What happened to Sunday Funday..?

We used to have ‘Sunday Funday’ together, where we would sleep in, do something in the day, buy dinner and snacks and shack up for the night and watch movies, or go to the cinema. Then I was cast in a play, and I had matinee performances on Sunday, and football came.

So my husband would get up at 7 in the morning, because we live in a place where that’s when the games begin, and I would sleep and get up at ten or eleven to get ready and cycle to the theater to do a show. Then I cycle home, games are all over, and my husband is sleeping. The first time it happened, he slept ALL. FUCKING. DAY. And NIGHT. And he had school the next morning at noon. So no date night, no time together, no nothing. We argued and eventually agreed about it, and the next weekend,

He got up at 7, I left at 12, I came back, and he had a nap, and then we spent the evening together, chilling, watching movies eating, how lovely. I am supportive of him having a good Football sunday, eating pizza, chilling out, then having a nap. AS LONG AS HE GETS UP AGAIN.

Then today. He got up at 7, I left at 12. My friends and cast members want to do a get together at one of their houses, a BBQ, a fun hangout, and both my husband and I are invited. I text him a few times, and suspect he is already sleeping. Then I text again saying ‘ Can we pleeeease go to ***’s house later tonight, it’ll be so much fun!’ then all I get an hour later when I am cycling home, ‘I am napping now babe.. Zzz..’ and ‘And I don’t really want to.. sorry’

Sitting on the couch again, watching him sleep again, – OF COURSE, I’m not that kind of woman that doesn’t go out because of it, I will, and I will make it fun. But our time together is kind of limited and I want to spend time with him, and I am frustrated and annoyed, and I want to strangle him. I might ask him what his ideal night would be tonight before I leave, and before I continue being pissed off. And I might need to cut him some slack. But fucks sake.

TELL ME, Am I being a dick?

What a way to wake up

I felt gentle stroking… Warm hands touching me gently, stroking my back and arms… I slowly woke up, stirred, kept still, enjoying the stroking…. Then I looked up. And I saw my husbands warm tanned face looking down at me. At first I quickly remembered that I was grumpy at him, and that I had sent him s complaining message at five in the morning since I hadn’t been able to sleep after our little arguement, while he was snoooooring away.

I rested my head back on the pillow again and remembered that I was on the couch and we had slept separately, as we sometimes do, when it gets too hot, but this was for a bad reason. He was still stroking me. Then he started saying; ” so what I hear you saying…” And he went through the whole communication thing that we had been practicing at the marriage councellor, just as I had asked in the message I sent. He gave me exactly what I wanted, he told me he understood and that he was sorry.

I thanked him and grabbed him and held him close… We cuddled for a while and I thought to myself that I was the luckiest wife in the world. Then he left for work… And I wormed myself over to the bed, went back to sleep.. Smiling…

Turn the volume down

My husband, God bless his soul, I love him but jeez what an absolute retard he can be sometimes. He is just the worst communicator ever! He has come really far since I got here to be fair, he has improved in so many areas, and I wonder in which areas I’ve improved in and if I have at all. But holy moly, he pisses me off so fucking much sometimes. We were watching the London 2012 olympic seremony, (Since he hadn’t see it)  which, you know, I guess it takes a special person to be interested in something like that, but I LOVE it, and he agreed to see it as we had talked about it the other day. We were watching it and I had the sound on too loud and he got worried, as we live in an apartment building and we’ve had complains before *about loud sex*, he asked me to turn it down, and I did, but I turned it up and down as the volume of the show increased and decreased, but it was still too loud. He thought he heard the security guard walk by and checked. After a while he just put himself to bed without saying a word. So I just turned the whole thing off, and he didn’t say a thing. For like 15 minutes. Then I said, ‘Aren’t you gonna say anything?’ then he said ‘Im stressed out, so I am just trying to relax.’ ‘Why?’ Because of the noise,’ ‘Noise? What noise?’ ‘The noise from the tv, it was really loud.’ To be fair, it was, and I was stupid not to think about it more carefully. But I still couldn’t help being bothered by the way he handled it.

He calls me over to bed to talk about it after I apologize from the couch. Then we do, and at first he is nice, trying to cheer me up. I cry because I miss home, I miss England. Then after talking a while, he gets a little mean and accuses me of not being sensitive to what he wanted to watch. I verify the sense in it but argue with the fact that he didn’t say anything contrary. Then he got rather nasty and said that he didn’t want to watch a FUCKING hour of that, and he HOPED that that would be understandable. I cried but tried to follow our marriage counselors communication technique ‘So what I hear you saying..’ at first when I started I was trying to just get through it, and as he turned to touch me and touched my thigh in the the dark, I said sternly, DON’T TOUCH ME> And continued with the apology process. When I was done, he said thank you but clearly didn’t have anything else to say, so now I am here, sitting on the couch again, while he is sleeping away. I’ve cried a bit, now I’m over it. I still miss home. And I’m still annoyed. If he doesn’t apologize too, then it doesn’t work. I’ll sleep here instead, the couch is more comfortable anyway.


Am I being a dick?