For a while now I have felt alone in my faith in myself. I work hard at everything I do, perhaps not so hard at sticking to my diet and working out but, I am trying to make opportunities for myself, as well as paying the bills in a job that I am happy in.
My mother doesn’t get what I do. And my asshole father isn’t in the picture so forget about him. My family are all far away, so I am here, with my husband, and he just doesn’t show any interest in what I do. He doesn’t come to any of the events i facilitate, he doesn’t read my material, he doesn’t ask to. He doesn’t ask to see anything I’ve made, and when I sometimes ask, he’ll reject the offer politely. It might as well has been a rude rejection, it hurts just as much.
Fuck them all.
My mother comes with shitty unsupportive comments, picking me apart, trying to steer me in a different direction, a direction she likes. I’ve gotten better at taking criticism, and sometimes just leaving something alone, when I want to defend myself.
I don’t know why, but despite it all, I believe in myself. I believe I can succeed. Why? Nobody’s telling me I can do it, that I am good enough. Anyone who does is not a constant in my life, or not even that close to me. Should it matter what they think? Does it mean anything? Should it matter what my husband thinks, and my family?
Am I doing it for myself? No. But it would be nice to be with someone who gets it, and who makes me feel like I am doing good, that he is interested, fascinated, that he LIKES it. THAT, makes me think of divorce. To just be alone. Why should I be with someone who doesn’t show that he cares.
Are we still married? Yes.