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For a while now I have felt alone in my faith in myself. I work hard at everything I do, perhaps not so hard at sticking to my diet and working out but, I am trying to make opportunities for myself, as well as paying the bills in a job that I am happy in.

My mother doesn’t get what I do. And my asshole father isn’t in the picture so forget about him. My family are all far away, so I am here, with my husband, and he just doesn’t show any interest in what I do. He doesn’t come to any of the events i facilitate, he doesn’t read my material, he doesn’t ask to. He doesn’t ask to see anything I’ve made, and when I sometimes ask, he’ll reject the offer politely. It might as well has been a rude rejection, it hurts just as much.

Fuck them all.

My mother comes with shitty unsupportive comments, picking me apart, trying to steer me in a different direction, a direction she likes. I’ve gotten better at taking criticism, and sometimes just leaving something alone, when I want to defend myself.

I don’t know why, but despite it all, I believe in myself. I believe I can succeed. Why? Nobody’s telling me I can do it, that I am good enough. Anyone who does is not a constant in my life, or not even that close to me. Should it matter what they think? Does it mean anything? Should it matter what my husband thinks, and my family?

Am I doing it for myself? No. But it would be nice to be with someone who gets it, and who makes me feel like I am doing good, that he is interested, fascinated, that he LIKES it. THAT, makes me think of divorce. To just be alone. Why should I be with someone who doesn’t show that he cares.

Are we still married? Yes.

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He called me lazy.

And here it is… finally. After all this time, after I’ve felt him judging me silently, after he has mentioned during every argument that I am not “busy” enough.. he called me lazy.

I am so angry. It makes me want to tear up his stuff and leave. Go home to my family.

Right before Christmas a family member died, Β and my closest family are all grieving. I am not there. I won’t be there for them, I wasn’t there to help out in Christmas, to help out prepare for the funeral, and I wont be there for the funeral. Not having been there I’ve been okay, but sad and guilty thinking about them. Arguments with him makes this harder to accept. It makes me think of the D word. A LOT.

Why is it I always have to prove myself to him? He has never had to prove himself to me? He does say, “I know I’m not perfect.. but..” Fuck off! Honestly! GO FUCK YOURSELF ON YOUR FUCKING HIGH HORSE! Jesus. I’m so mad at him. I texted him at work. I know I shouldn’t have. But I was so mad I couldn’t control myself. Fuck. He thinks I’m weak. He thinks I’m lazy. Too sensitive. That I don’t pull my weight around the house. Ha ha ah ha. OOohhhh about time we get a new couples counsellor .

Why do I CARE? Because I love him madly. If I didn’t I wouldn’t put up with this SHIT. If we weren’t married, I would have left long ago. That might sound bad but Its probably true.

 

Bad girl

The other day I was honored and thrilled to have received a nomination from one of the most amazing female blog friends I have here, and one of the most thoughtful commentators out there, dawn from http://dawnsnight.wordpress.com/ for the ‘Bad girl awards’ and I was SO HAPPY!

I have However been a bad girl and a bad blogger As this week has been filled with business and family events, good and bad. I need to get on this award thing as I am so happy and excited about it!

Hope you’ve All had a good week, and let’s start another one, as a clean slate, a fresh start, a new chance to do things better! πŸ™‚ I will get to the ward blog ASAP! πŸ™‚