We need to have more sex

Sure, I’ve been ill for three weeks, it’s been tough. And it’s not very attractive, being full of mucus, phlegm and constantly coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose.

My husband and I have had a great christmas. But the result of me being sick is that we haven’t had sex more than two times in three weeks! AAAAAHHHHHHH 2171491-young-blonde-ill-woman-studio-shoot

It’s hard. I have been so tired and groggy that I have rejected him over and over, and when I feel good, he’s not in the mood. So it’s unlucky, but it still sucks.

The two times we DID have sex, oohhh one of them was soo good… We did a naughty fantasy situation one. Taboo…! Ohh yeah. Anyway, we both agreed we were gonna do it more, as we felt that we needed to remember how good it was, and that it was worth the “hard work” and we only remember that when we do it.

It also makes me feel a hell of a lot better of course. You don’t exactly feel attractive walking around like a pyjama clad mucus ball with no makeup and straggly hair. Yeah so I let myself go a bit. Ha ha ha. yckA5MBoi sick woman ill

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Our little place, a lot of Love!

Are we still married…?

HELLS YES! Things are going really well in our little household of two. ❤Photo on 02-12-2014 at 02.48 #2

Its funny how when I am REALLY happy, how often I give him a treat. Today we initiated December by buying a teeny tiny Christmas tree,🎄 stockings, decorations and fun stuff to decorate the house. I had made a playlist which we played and I had bought cinnamon oil to put in our candle oil-burner, so the house smelled sooo Christmassy as we were writing cards for our families. For the first time signing our names together, as a married couple. How neat is that..? 🎁

The day was interrupted sometimes with Santa’s helper being a naughty girl and Santa having to have a serious talk with her, 🎅 and Santa’s helper getting her big Christmas wish fulfilled a little early, – sucking on a big candy cane. 🍭 So yeah, there was a lot of sex, and nice treats for my man, for the past few days things have gotten better. And I take it down to us working on our foreplay, and him doing more for me. Although we’re not really doing as much foreplay as we should, STILL being too impatient, I feel like he is more aware and trying MUCH harder. To initiate pleasing ME. And we are so merry at the moment that things are just gliiiiiding so smoothly.

I am so lucky! Here’s to december, and all the days of Christmas preparations ahead!

Turkey hunting and foreplay

My husband and I have been so busy lately, which is good and it’s making us happy. We had our first marriage counseling for weeeeks, and it was nice talking. I felt like the only area we really haven’t improved in at all is our sexlife. We have great sex together, but not really very good at foreplay. I am not very good at letting him go down on me, I don’t ask for it enough, and he isn’t super experienced and doesn’t take initiative as much as I would like. Because I am insecure, I need him to be insistent, and take more time for me. We talked about it, and how we are both impatient, we skip foreplay almost everytime, but as a result, it is painful for me for the first five minutes, and I have built up this anguish every time we start, anticipating the pain and making it worse. So, we talked through it and got our homework which was MORE foreplay and him going down on me.

Last night wasn’t a very successful run as I couldn’t even get to come when he was fingering me on my clit, I was so worried that he would get tired, I had trouble focusing, and I was so close to climaxing several times, but I couldn’t. I must have felt too pressured. After a while he did indeed give up, I was discouraging towards him, and eventually he gave in. It upset me as I really need him to insist and make me feel secure that he is going to keep going, so I don’t lie there worrying that he’ll get too tired any moment, and that he will quit. So we had to talk and get through it together and talk through my insecurities. It was good, and although along the way we both got defensive and said silly things, we got to a good point and I felt a hell of a lot better.

Today I was working and got home late, and we grabbed our list and went out to the local Safeway store to buy all the food we need for tomorrow, as you all know, IT’S THANKSGIVING TOMORROW! WHoop whoop!

We ran around the store with a camcorder and recorded the whole silly shopping spree, as it is our first Thanksgiving as a married couple, together on the ACTUAL thanksgiving day, and we are going the whole nine yards cooking a whooole turkey, just for the two of us ha ha. We are going to make it a special celebration/date night as we are not going to be able to spend Christmas eve or day together, as he is working.  So this is how it goes,  Me; we HAVE to get free range. Him: But this one is cheaper, and it MIGHT be free range. Me: Then why wouldn’t it say free range? Him: we don’t even know if it really is proper free range. They throw that term around nowadays. Me: Come on, just  a few dollars difference between TORTURE and running around a little in a slightly bigger cage!

Somehow we ended up with the non free range turkey. Selfishly I’ll try not to worry about that tomorrow as I stuff my face with delicious turkey and stuffing and all the rest. Happy thanksgiving tomorrow everybody! 😊

My funny Valentine

Is his figure less than greek..?

Naked man - My funny valentine - sexy

Is his mouth a little weak..? When he opens it to speak, is he smart….?

Yes he is. My wonderful sexy husband. With his big heart and warm brown eyes. His physically big head, that he had to order a special helmet to fit, after I had insisted that he would always protect his wonderful brain when riding his bike.

So – don’t change a hair for me, not if you care for me.

My funny valentine - naked man - vintage

Because I love him so, his incredible body, his proud chest, his strong arms. His grumpiness, his worrying. And his patience with me when I am difficult, or crying, or overenthusiastic expectantly jumping on him as soon as he comes in the door tired from a 12 hour day of work.

I am so happy, and so lucky!

Sleepless nights and red tired eyes

Last night we once again argued. It’s been more frequent than usual, and I know it irritates him. Me too, but I had a feeling he thinks that it’s my fault. And indeed, he confirmed last night after a silly little bicker session.

I am on the rag, and we haven’t had sex for four days now, and that SUCKS, for the both of us. He’s said that maybe he wouldn’t masturbate and take a break from it, which made me so happy as I felt like they made things more equal. I came home twenty minutes before him last night and he came in catching me trying to quickly make him a dinner. He was so happy and we were both happy. I went to the gym for an hour and came home around one at night, so he could play some Madden and fantasy football and be alone. I had said that I was maybe ‘wink wink’ going to “treat” him (Meaning blow job) as I felt that he deserved it, holding out. When I came home I started rubbing him down with baby oil, and I could instantly tell that his penis didn’t react as fast as usual. As I started putting it in my mouth and doing my thing, it slowly got harder, and I asked if he had been naughty while I was away. And he admitted that he had.

I just got so annoyed, I was exhausted, and I didn’t want to give him a fucking Blow job if he had already jerked off! It’s not like I was going to get laid or get any oral pleasure myself. So I said ‘forget about it,’ and went over to the water cooler to drink. And he understandably got kind of pissed off. He was all rolling his eyes and saying this and that, and I sat down and tried to explain. I am sorry I just don’t really fancy doing it right now, I could tell, it took longer, which means harder work for me! And he said that he couldn’t BELIEVE that he was frowned upon for masturbating. I tried to say that it’s not what I meant, It was the build up and the expectation and me giving him a treat, and me feeling like he ruined that somehow. And as we were talking I could feel closer to a solution, but then he uttered the words; “Here we are again… two o clock in the morning, having a fight.”

He was saying two different things, that he was okay and relaxed and he didn’t want to talk about it anymore, and on the other hand he said that it was ME who kept arguing at night, that he thought that I just got that way late at night, that I took things more personally. He basically implied that All the late night arguments were all my fault. I said that, well, this doesn’t make me feel very good, and I don’t think that’s true either. We are TWO human beings, it’s a two edged sword, but he insisted that it was me, it was my problem. This really upset me, and I threw the baby oil bottle hard into the floor in an angry outburst, quickly picked it up and brought it to the bathroom and sobbed. I got myself together, wiped off my face, came back out and apologized. “I’m sorry I overreacted about the masturbation, I am sorry we are arguing late at night again, and I am sorry that I threw the bottle.” He didn’t say anything. NOTHING. He turned on ’22 jump street’ just like planned. And I asked him to pause it after a while. He paused it and looked at me obliviously. ‘Do have anything to say yet?’ ‘Not now no.’ And he walked passively and annoyed over to the bed and put on his “Im so tired” face. And he said, “Well.. maybe we’re NOT right.”  (!!!!!!)

“I can’t go on like this, you are just bringing up these arguments late at night, all the time, it’s happening all the time. And it wears me down.” “It wears ME down too! I am exhausted! And it’s not just me!!! It’s a two way street.” “Yeah.. yeah.. OKay.” He said with an air of “whatever – sarcasm” I wanted to hit him. And my heart was sinking into my bowels as he had said that maybe we weren’t right for each other after all. What did that mean!? He was using threatening language again! And this is on NO way going to improve things using that kind of language. I remained calm and asked, what do you want to do now? And he said he didn’t know and rolled over. I was panicking. I told him that I was going to go for a walk, and I didn’t reach the bottom of our apartment building before I had made my mind up to go and stay with a friend, luckily she was awake. I went back in and started packing. I said that I was going to stay with my friend for tonight and come home the next day to get ready for my big audition. He asked me half-heartedly to stay, and I said that I wouldn’t be able to sleep after what he had said, and I didn’t want to stay here keeping him up. As I walked out the door and down the street, I was sobbing my heart out, wishing that he would come after me, stop me… Wandering, wondering, – is this the beginning of the end?

Here’s to six more months..!

Cheers-red-wine-closeup-anniversary- celebration - marriage- wedding16

Well, I can say happily that tonight was a success. Are we still married? Hell yes! Am I happy? Right now I really really am yes 🙂

I wore my favorite dress, (which he has never seen before), I bought him flowers and a card and candy. We took a cab to the restaurant he booked for us, a really nice fancy place. We had talked about our little nighttime sexytime failure argument after my class, and he apologized for having used “threatening” terms, such as ‘I thought I married an adult” And ‘What have I gotten into?’ and that he was sorry for having upset me. I apologized for overreacting, for acting immature, and for handling things badly. Basically, we sorted it out. And He did mention that I had indeed used similar “threatening” terms myself, when I have been angry, most recently during our Jealousy Silent war argument. This was good feedback, now I know how it feels to hear that, I am going to stop and think before I utter such words.

After our nice date we ventured home, after a long rather painful walk in heels and both feeling hot in the humid weather and super stuffed after all the food, I had encouraged him to sweep me right off to the bedroom for some nice sexy time – RIGHT away, as I was wearing MATCHING lingerie which I don’t do too often. We goofed it up the first round, I begged him to start again, and then we got it right! And we ended up playing this weird Milkman sex game and just having the best sex that we’ve had in a looong time, (from behind). I looked good in my lacy lingerie, and he looked so good in his ripped body, ahhh He’s so hot, and he made sure to please me to the T. It was perfect. And now we are eating ice cream.

Lucky me. Thanks SO much for the support!!! The comments, the likes, it makes me feel like I’m not entierly insane,  (althoug it might be insane to think that..) like I have someone understanding me, at least a little… Thank you!!! Xxx LW

Nighttime sexytime failure – update

Today is our 6 month wedding anniversary, and we are celebrating later. We’ve both been busy, but he is off for the rest of the day, and I am going to a class in 15 min. Then I am off too. I already know what t wear. My red laced dress, and he has booked a table at a fancy restaurant.

But i have a big lump in my belly as things seem to have taken a serious turn. He is concerned about last nights events. I overreacted. I walked out of the apartment to get some air crying, and as he told me t come back, I called him a dick. That is not adult behavior. And in his words, he thought he married an adult. And if this happens over and over, he will start thinking; what did i get myself into? He wants me to bring it up with the counselor. I am a bit flustered, as he used those words that feel pretty threatening to me, not to mention angry that he would say those things, as if he always acts like a grown up. I have numerous examples… I don’t know what to do. Now I have to go. Wish me luck..?

Nighttime sexytime failure

What a negative headline, you may think, and at the end of the post you may think that I Am indeed looking at the negative rather than all the positives. It has been a successful funday Sunday. And like a stupid joke, as the clock strikes twelve and Sunday turns to Monday, my luck turns too.

Are we still married? Yeah.

After a successful matinee show, having struggled through the whole play being sleepy and unfocused, I rejected my theater friends’ Sunday-traditional outing, wanting to go home, to rest and spend time with my husband. We immediately went grocery shopping, got dinner, watched our favorite shows and had a short but sweet sex session, before we pigged out some more with ice cream until we barely could move. The Sex, was good, but very very short, my husband tried to tease me for a little while which does indeed help me, it makes me wetter and it makes the first few minutes less painful. But I had an inkling that I wouldn’t get much out of it while we started as we were both in a lazy mood so I got my vibrator and had a nice quick orgasm while we were making out and I watched him touch himself. We then did a little bit of one of our fantasies, him being a young student and me his teacher, and yeah he played his role well as he came after a MINUTE. He wasn’t really holding back as I’m assuming he thought it was okay to cum early since I had already had my fix. He was a little embarrassed however and his teacher comforted him by saying; “That’s normal for young boys.. not to worry. And the good news is, your big cock will be ready to go again later..” And we snuggled and watched tv.

He fell asleep, and I was watching a movie, reading some blogs, then I got horny and thought I’d sneak over to his bed and wake him up pleasantly being naked and luring him into having sex with me. I’ve attempted this before ( four months ago) and it didn’t end very well. He was so sleepy and got grumpy and rejected me pretty harshly, and  I took it pretty badly. We have discussed it many times, and he insists that that wont happen again, and there is NO way he would reject me if he woke up with me blowing him in the middle of the night. And GOD knows how many times he has woken ME up when I was sleeping or Just about to sleep. But my attempt tonight AGAIN… failed. Miserably.

I started stroking him and he woke up, moved away and said I was so hot. I got a little upset but tried not to take it too seriously as he had insisted before that it would work. I try again, kissing hm and stroking, he turned around and made a grunt, ad I said “don’t you wanna cuddle?” and he replied; “No, Let me sleep.” And rolled over. I moved back over to the futon. After I had cried for a while, he asked is I was okay. I didn’t answer. He said it was nothing personal, and that he thought we should sleep as we have to get up early tomorrow. Yeah.. I have to get up at 6:30 and he has to get up at 11. And here I am. Quarter past one, writing.. while he is sleeping away.

“one of us has to work”

It’s never nice to hear that.

No, after having my employment authorization card for a month, I still haven’t got a job. Although I have two very good opportunities up my sleeve.  I think I might have two well paid jobs soon, and I am very excited about it, so I don’t have to feel guilty and inadequate all the time.

Oh my husband has been super supportive, as he is studying and working as a server, and we are basically living off his tips, he is working very hard and doing very well. He didn’t however do all of this for ME. It’s not like I asked him to move his world and leave everyone behind and start over. It’s not like he has changed his life at ALL. He would be doing the exact same thing if i wasn’t here. Yeah, he could spend more of his hard earned money on more stuff from Amazon, but hey, he wouldn’t get laid every day and a Blow Job several times a week.

He will say, when I tell him that I feel guilty and stressed, that I shouldn’t think that way and that he doesn’t, but then when I am irritating him wanting some attention while he is sitting down with his Fantasy Football league, he’ll turn around and say; “I’m tired babe, One of us has to work.” I told him I didn’t like him saying that, but then he said; ” It’s true, and I want it to be acknowledged. I need you to respect that.”

Yeah, so I had a lazy day today, where I sat on the couch writing, researching and watching TV, masturbating now and then and having a jolly good time. But I also sold our cooler on Craigslist, got it picked up, and made cash, Cooked dinner and went to the gym. and I remarked on having a nice day off from the theater and it looking like he had a Pajama party all day, and his attitude changed as soon as I said that, and I KNOW that THAT was what made him say that. If I hadn’t said anything, which I did to show appreciation that I can do that, he never would have thought of it, and used that excuse. I do understand and respect if he is tired, and I would back off if he tells me that, but DON’T use that JOB argument.

And just as I wrote this, he asked if I was mad at him and I promptly and irritably replied yes, he came over, and I said that I understood that he is tired, and I can respect that and he can do what he wants, but don’t expect me to NOT feel guilty and stressed out when he uses that argument, he apologized and said it wasn’t really about me, but about him. We sorted it out quickly and sweetly… And Now I sit here smiling, beaming, watching him play Madden.

Dear married people.

I hope you are still married, I still am. After a WHOLE SIX MONTHS… oOohh.. I know. A Pathetic amount of time, and I am already complaining. As you experienced married people know, it’s full of happy times and truly miserable times, and as most of you successful Still married couples know, the first year is the hardest. Or so I hear. Which made me feel a whole lot better.

I have been writing some notes for my own sanity, and I thought I’d put some out there. And since -until now, they are all higgeldy piggeldy poo, I will just paste the shit in here and you can feel free to read it until you get bored and click the hell out of here.  Or if you do find it entertaining somehow and you want to comment on my sanity or bitchyness, feel free.

 

As we were both feeling ready to go to sleep, My husband came up with his cheesy line of; “Is there anything I can do for you Baby?” And I’m sort of laughing, feeling way too tired for sex. But then I feel like I’ve been a bit too rejective lately, and that maybe if I push myself back into it, my sex drive would come back. To be fair the past three days have been GREAT, sex wise. But before that it was a week or two without an orgasm for me, and my period with no sex, and none of him going down on me, until I mentioned it. It’s very hard for me to ask for someone to go down on me when I already feel self-conscious about my vagina. I think it’s ugly, and something is weird about it nowadays. It has sort of spots, or bumps on there that aren’t spots or zits… It makes me worry about cancer and other scary diseases and I sleep poorly because of anxiety. My husband thought that they were just ingrown hairs or something and recommended me to outgrow my pubes, and he has been very sweet about it. I look down at my pussy and I don’t like what I see. The colours of my pubes are not a nice colour. But anyway, back to the story. I start touching him and putting lube on his dick as I can see him being tired and just wanting a quickie. He is more sensitive than usual, it’s happened before and it makes me feel like I’m not in control and I’ve got to be careful with my moves, when I usually feel so confident and great at it. He tells me it’s uncomfortable and it tickles etc.. and I can feel myself curling up inside already. But I want to defy it , after some bad reactions, but picking myself up after and insisting on riding him, which he usually loves and especially when he is tired, something still isn’t right, and he tells me to “come here” and I don’t understand where that is. And it’s awkward and weird and I curl up inside even more. Then I ask him to take me from behind because It sometimes allows me to feel more I don’t know, not letting him see my face, getting more animalistic and giving me some moments to gather myself. But for some reason, the way I feel his hands on my ass, it makes me self-conscious and negative thoughts race through my head, I have been so down about my ass lately, and it just took it to hell and back when he commented a month or two ago about a machine at the gym that would make my ass stick out more, like his. I swear I wanted to jump out of the window, I am well aware that my ass isn’t the roundest fullest in the world, yeah it’s broad, but Its not super toned and not super juicy. Sometimes because of my posture and my lower back bone (and simply because of too small gluteus) it even looks flat. And it felt flat, as I was lying there and he was being slightly weird, and I, me letting my thoughts get the best of me somehow thought that he was missing a bigger ass to grab, to lay his hands on, and I asked him if I looked good, and he said a simple “Yes” while I needed more, I asked him to say it, then he said that he didn’t feel like doing the position because he was tired and his dick didn’t work as normal. I immediately got weirder and curled up even more, then we turned around to do our good-old missionary. And he saw it in my face, and asked if I was okay, and me, terribly transparent and selfishly bad at lying said I was fine and tried to grab his dick and keep going. We were moving a bit but he, as he said later thought that my face looked “mopey” and stopped. “I just want to go to bed babe, you don’t feel good about it, and so neither do I, and I’m really tired.” I tried to explain that I just felt bad about myself and that’s why I reacted the way I did, and then he shot me off and said “Well I don’t want to talk about it, I need to go to bed.” He has work in the morning. Then I was like, great. Let’s not solve the problem. So on my way to the toilet to pee, I childishly said, “Fine, I’ll talk to myself about it.” And he asked me to come back, and as I didn’t he started Saying “Fuck, I haven’t got time for this shit, Fuck, fucks sake…” And things like that, the biggest reaction (over reaction) I have seen from him yet. He hit something and It fell over, and I heard a rumble as he kept swearing.. I sat calmly on the toilet trying to cool down, and walked back in after and asked what happened. “Nothing.” I sat down in bed trying to as diplomatically and maturely as possible, solve and go to bed. But he kept saying “Here we go again” and “Now I won’t be able to sleep for another half hour.” And as I reasoned with him and explained my side of the story and half-assedly apologized, he just kept batting me off and saying the same thing. “Now we are going to be talking for like half an hour, like we always do, and I won’t get to sleep.” He said. Then I tried saying, Well, if you keep saying things like that you are gonna upset me and make things worse, when we can solve this in a matter of minutes if we just stick to the actual situation. Eventually he managed to swivel back, and we sort of cleared things up. And I said, lets go to bed, trying to sound content, and we went to bed. I looked at my phone and texted Gwen, in case she was available for a consult. No. My husband went over to the computer and clicked on the mouse, louder than I’ve ever heard anyone fucking click before. Then I forced myself to say something that came up as an instinct, “ Come back to bed, I’ll give you a BJ..?” In a positive tone. He said he needed a few minutes, while he was on his football thing onlie. That was it. The tears fell out of my eyes, and there was no going back, I thought, go to the toilet and think out a plan. I sat on the toilet, and failing to pee I thought, take YOUR computer and sit down and write it all down. And So I did. Then he came over trying to get me back to bed. I rejected him. Wrongly perhaps. But my heart is sore and not wanting to go back to bed to someone who didn’t apologize back, after ALSO being a dick. It wasn’t just me.

(I ended up going back to be with him, as he asked me; “come back to bed baby, please” and I did.)

Saturday 6th of September.

 

It’s strange how one thing I hear somewhere can trigger a whole long terrible train of thought. The way I think is sometimes so terrible and difficult to steer into a different direction. I am standing in the way of myself so often, and I it’s like I need to talk myself of the ledge every day. Last night I saw a stupid episode of the stupid show Sex In The City. Carrie was in Paris, away from her friends an family with her boyfriend, she had moved all the way there and felt sad. She said to him, I don’t want to walk the streets of Paris alone! I didn’t move here for you to leave alone all the time! I am a person who is looking for love. Ridiculous, All consuming, can’t live without you love. And I don’t think It’s here, in this luxury suite in this fancy hotel, in Beautiful Paris. It’s not your fault. Then that stupid ass character mr. Big, whom which I think is the reason I don’t like this show, shows up later in this ‘meant to be’ kind of scenario. And he cries to her and says, ‘You’re the one’. Just now we were laying in bed watching ‘never been kissed’ with Drew Barrymore whom I love, and Jessica Alba, who ALL guys love, including . After watching this goofy romcom for a while, I said to him, ‘You are the one’ And he smiled. Then I waited. Then Nothing. And I moved away. After a while I said, “am I the one..?” In a half-joking, cutsie and I guess Needy voice. Then he said, and I could tell at this point that he already was annoyed, ‘yes you are the one who.. always needs to hear it.” ASSHOLE. I realized last night that he had never said that to me. And I wanted to hear it. Somehow he has the power to make me truly happy and truly miserable. To be fair, he had just made me some sandwhiches for lunch and I had chewed his ear off. But he did that to make up for offending me right before I went off to an audition this morning, and me being in pain from my period. And he hasn’t really said a word since. About an hour ago. I know he knows but he stubbornly doesn’t want to say anything. And I must be honest, It does make me doubt things. I get worried. I worry a lot. And I guess I need affirmation too much too. I’m not sure how to address this. But I am glad that we are going to councelling. We can get tools to improve our days and communication, and possibly even figure things out before it’s too late.

 

7th of September.

 

What a fool I was to think that we would spend this Sunday evening together. He got up at 7 to watch the first Patriots game, after only a few hours of sleep. He watched football all day until I came home at four, then declared that he was going to sleep at around 6-7. I said that he should try and stay awake till ten. But he protested pretty cynically, and I mentioned that I thought we were going to spend the night together getting desserts and watching a movie. Nothing mattered. He tried to comfort me sweetly after the terrible day I had at the theatre, totally oblivious to the fact that he upset me by disappointing the SHIT out of me. Coming home, to … after all that. I couldn’t wait, on my way home. Then I came home to that slap in the face. So I’ve spent all night since 6:30 alone, watching documentaries, YouTube videos, reading blogs, writing and eating ice cream, spaghetti, pizza, Nerds, drinking coke and sitting here annoyed at him. Went to the gym for almost 45 minutes. Did some cardio then came back home had a shower and soaked my hair in coconut oil. Put a turban on my head, cleansed my face, brushed my teeth and sat down and watched Monty python till nearing sleep. Then I laid there, with the Harry Potter Audio book on… sleepy… but thoughtful… and started to cry. Where is the romance I crave? Where is the passion? Are we right for each other? What does he want? Why doesn’t he want to spend more time with me? I HATE sounding like the cliché wife, but that is what I have ended up with. FUCK MY LIFE> I Hate feeling this way. Taken for granted, naggy, lonely and cliché.

 

AND NOW WE ARE UP TO SPEED.