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For a while now I have felt alone in my faith in myself. I work hard at everything I do, perhaps not so hard at sticking to my diet and working out but, I am trying to make opportunities for myself, as well as paying the bills in a job that I am happy in.

My mother doesn’t get what I do. And my asshole father isn’t in the picture so forget about him. My family are all far away, so I am here, with my husband, and he just doesn’t show any interest in what I do. He doesn’t come to any of the events i facilitate, he doesn’t read my material, he doesn’t ask to. He doesn’t ask to see anything I’ve made, and when I sometimes ask, he’ll reject the offer politely. It might as well has been a rude rejection, it hurts just as much.

Fuck them all.

My mother comes with shitty unsupportive comments, picking me apart, trying to steer me in a different direction, a direction she likes. I’ve gotten better at taking criticism, and sometimes just leaving something alone, when I want to defend myself.

I don’t know why, but despite it all, I believe in myself. I believe I can succeed. Why? Nobody’s telling me I can do it, that I am good enough. Anyone who does is not a constant in my life, or not even that close to me. Should it matter what they think? Does it mean anything? Should it matter what my husband thinks, and my family?

Am I doing it for myself? No. But it would be nice to be with someone who gets it, and who makes me feel like I am doing good, that he is interested, fascinated, that he LIKES it. THAT, makes me think of divorce. To just be alone. Why should I be with someone who doesn’t show that he cares.

Are we still married? Yes.

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We need to have more sex

Sure, I’ve been ill for three weeks, it’s been tough. And it’s not very attractive, being full of mucus, phlegm and constantly coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose.

My husband and I have had a great christmas. But the result of me being sick is that we haven’t had sex more than two times in three weeks! AAAAAHHHHHHH 2171491-young-blonde-ill-woman-studio-shoot

It’s hard. I have been so tired and groggy that I have rejected him over and over, and when I feel good, he’s not in the mood. So it’s unlucky, but it still sucks.

The two times we DID have sex, oohhh one of them was soo good… We did a naughty fantasy situation one. Taboo…! Ohh yeah. Anyway, we both agreed we were gonna do it more, as we felt that we needed to remember how good it was, and that it was worth the “hard work” and we only remember that when we do it.

It also makes me feel a hell of a lot better of course. You don’t exactly feel attractive walking around like a pyjama clad mucus ball with no makeup and straggly hair. Yeah so I let myself go a bit. Ha ha ha. yckA5MBoi sick woman ill

Christmas time again

Are we still married..?

YES!

I don’t know what to say… I haven’t posted, interacted or even looked at this space for a year. And I’ve been thinking about it, worrying about it, feeling guilty about it… But it just hasn’t happened. The longer I waited, the harder it was.

I don’t care anymore. I will write, when I can. And when I want to. And I am sorry to the community that I used to follow and interact with, I have missed you, and I hope you are okay!

Since last year a lot has happened, Most importantly we have moved, to California, and I am a lot happier here. We have a bigger home, and we are doing better all round, but of course there are still ups and downs, and sometimes It is really REALLY hard.

But it is almost Christmas, and I am so excited! I hope you are too, we are celebrating it together, our stockings are filled to the brim, presents bought, Christmas tree up and everything  is ready. And most importantly, WE ARE STILL MARRIED! Yaaaaaaay

Our little place, a lot of Love!

Are we still married…?

HELLS YES! Things are going really well in our little household of two. ❤Photo on 02-12-2014 at 02.48 #2

Its funny how when I am REALLY happy, how often I give him a treat. Today we initiated December by buying a teeny tiny Christmas tree,🎄 stockings, decorations and fun stuff to decorate the house. I had made a playlist which we played and I had bought cinnamon oil to put in our candle oil-burner, so the house smelled sooo Christmassy as we were writing cards for our families. For the first time signing our names together, as a married couple. How neat is that..? 🎁

The day was interrupted sometimes with Santa’s helper being a naughty girl and Santa having to have a serious talk with her, 🎅 and Santa’s helper getting her big Christmas wish fulfilled a little early, – sucking on a big candy cane. 🍭 So yeah, there was a lot of sex, and nice treats for my man, for the past few days things have gotten better. And I take it down to us working on our foreplay, and him doing more for me. Although we’re not really doing as much foreplay as we should, STILL being too impatient, I feel like he is more aware and trying MUCH harder. To initiate pleasing ME. And we are so merry at the moment that things are just gliiiiiding so smoothly.

I am so lucky! Here’s to december, and all the days of Christmas preparations ahead!

Turkey hunting and foreplay

My husband and I have been so busy lately, which is good and it’s making us happy. We had our first marriage counseling for weeeeks, and it was nice talking. I felt like the only area we really haven’t improved in at all is our sexlife. We have great sex together, but not really very good at foreplay. I am not very good at letting him go down on me, I don’t ask for it enough, and he isn’t super experienced and doesn’t take initiative as much as I would like. Because I am insecure, I need him to be insistent, and take more time for me. We talked about it, and how we are both impatient, we skip foreplay almost everytime, but as a result, it is painful for me for the first five minutes, and I have built up this anguish every time we start, anticipating the pain and making it worse. So, we talked through it and got our homework which was MORE foreplay and him going down on me.

Last night wasn’t a very successful run as I couldn’t even get to come when he was fingering me on my clit, I was so worried that he would get tired, I had trouble focusing, and I was so close to climaxing several times, but I couldn’t. I must have felt too pressured. After a while he did indeed give up, I was discouraging towards him, and eventually he gave in. It upset me as I really need him to insist and make me feel secure that he is going to keep going, so I don’t lie there worrying that he’ll get too tired any moment, and that he will quit. So we had to talk and get through it together and talk through my insecurities. It was good, and although along the way we both got defensive and said silly things, we got to a good point and I felt a hell of a lot better.

Today I was working and got home late, and we grabbed our list and went out to the local Safeway store to buy all the food we need for tomorrow, as you all know, IT’S THANKSGIVING TOMORROW! WHoop whoop!

We ran around the store with a camcorder and recorded the whole silly shopping spree, as it is our first Thanksgiving as a married couple, together on the ACTUAL thanksgiving day, and we are going the whole nine yards cooking a whooole turkey, just for the two of us ha ha. We are going to make it a special celebration/date night as we are not going to be able to spend Christmas eve or day together, as he is working.  So this is how it goes,  Me; we HAVE to get free range. Him: But this one is cheaper, and it MIGHT be free range. Me: Then why wouldn’t it say free range? Him: we don’t even know if it really is proper free range. They throw that term around nowadays. Me: Come on, just  a few dollars difference between TORTURE and running around a little in a slightly bigger cage!

Somehow we ended up with the non free range turkey. Selfishly I’ll try not to worry about that tomorrow as I stuff my face with delicious turkey and stuffing and all the rest. Happy thanksgiving tomorrow everybody! 😊

Emojis and Awards

❤ I am loving this new Emoji thing that WP has put in. I know they can be annoying, but they can also be a lot of fun! Sometimes me and my husband write whole messages in just emojis, and it’s fun putting it together! 😄

Anywho,bad-girls-button-2

I was awarded this BAD GIRL award from my awesome WP-friend Dawn D, who is such a great blogger AND commenter that I was indeed ( and I REALLY mean this) honored and Surprised to get this nomination/award. Like her, I am not used to this stuff as I am new to WordPress, and as I am sure it is against the rules to give an award back, I can’t help but give it right back to her, as she is one of the first bloggers I was captured by.

So before I put down the rules and the other nominees, here is my little piece about Dawn;

Dawn writes poems, Dawn writes thoughts

She makes me cry, she makes me smile

She reads my posts, and comments very thoughtfully

Dawn is a sexy beautiful person, who is blooming into herself

and we are lucky enough to READ her journey, right here on WordPress!

So here are the rules; If you are a recipient, please choose 3-5 female bloggers who write about sex (or post sexy pics of them selves, or both) that you admire and award them by passing on the award photo below and the rules.  Also, give a brief explanation of why you love those bloggers so much.  Be sure to notify your favorite bloggers that they got the award!

I know two of my nominees, including Dawn have already been nominated, but I still had to re-nominate ‘Tis, who I really like, and as I am not as active on WP as I wish I was, The few great ladies I read enough of, have of course already been given the honor. But still, I am nominating her. I love reading about her life, in her successful yet challenging marriage, I love her writing and occasional fun short quote posts. Check her out! 🌸

http://tispersonal.wordpress.com/

Then, this is a Couple more than just a bad girl, this is a naughty and heartfelt couple, who are so inspiring to read about, Mr. and Mrs. Warm Creme, their passion and love is so amazing, and they are thoughtful commenters too. I guess I shall play by the rules and nominate Mrs. Warm Creme, aka. Savannah Carrier:http://warmcremeblog.wordpress.com/author/savannahcarrier/

But please check out both of their writing here. 👫

Anywho, THANKS for reading! Thank you for commenting, I love it, And I am sorry that I am so sporadic. But that’s life eh? Some times you have more time to have fun and buzz around on the internet, and other times you are so busy with work and your real life social life. Both are great! And I am happy! 😍 And really honored to be nominated for this award. I will keep being a “Bad girl” and write my naughty thoughts.

My funny Valentine

Is his figure less than greek..?

Naked man - My funny valentine - sexy

Is his mouth a little weak..? When he opens it to speak, is he smart….?

Yes he is. My wonderful sexy husband. With his big heart and warm brown eyes. His physically big head, that he had to order a special helmet to fit, after I had insisted that he would always protect his wonderful brain when riding his bike.

So – don’t change a hair for me, not if you care for me.

My funny valentine - naked man - vintage

Because I love him so, his incredible body, his proud chest, his strong arms. His grumpiness, his worrying. And his patience with me when I am difficult, or crying, or overenthusiastic expectantly jumping on him as soon as he comes in the door tired from a 12 hour day of work.

I am so happy, and so lucky!

That woman in Yoga who takes off her top

Hello world!

Life has been busy as I have been working five/six different FUN jobs and there has been birthdays and Halloween. I am very happy now that I am bringing in some bacon, and my husband is cooking it happily up for us both, and is able to take some time off whenever the pressure at school takes off.

I am a roller-coaster of emotions, which can change a lot throughout the day, and quickly, and sometimes without warning. I had the day off today to lay about and do some paperwork at my own pace, while my husband was at school. When he was there I sent him such a happy message. About how happy and proud I am of our life, that we fought so hard for, and he worked so hard for. How much fun we’ve had lately, with his family and together, and how much passion and great sex. How I’m loving feeling like I am getting into a better shape, and I love how I look and how his compliments make me feel great.

He cooked up a delicious pasta dish when he came home, and I ate with him happily and rested a bit to digest the food before I headed off, to the gym, to do an hour of Zumba and then another hour of yoga. The past two weeks have been so busy I’ve only gone twice a week to the gym, when I usually try to keep the minimum to three days at least, with some cardio. I’ve been very active however, and I can tell I am getting more control over my body again, which I LOVE. I DO NOT, however, LOVE working out. I DESPISE it, and most of all…  YOGA. Yes yes yes… eeeeeverybody looooooooves Yoga. Ohh it’s so good for you, ahhh I feel so good and reenergized, Ohhh I love stretching, ah gash, I just had a granola bar and I am soooo ready for some yoga. NOOOOOT.

I’ve done Yoga for six years now, (for two years of the beginning I did it everyday as part of my theatrical training) and back then I was a lump of doughy nothing, so it took me a looooong time to progress. And After that I’ve done it (not religiously) but now and then. And trust me, I do NOT look like I’ve done it for six years..! I Do NOt have a yoga body, and never will, I am simply not built that way. Which is fine. I love how I am built. 🙂 But for the past two years I have done VERY little of it, and even less stretching, as I HATE it. it is so painful. I am really flexible ALL over my body, except my hamstrings, which are insanely tight. I can open my hips wiiiiide, and put my legs behind my neck, but I can’t for the love of me, stretch my legs out. And I am FAR from reaching my toes. This is bad, and gives me pains in my lower back. And tears of frustration comes easily when I am stretching them, as they are far more painful than in a normal stretch. So Today during the yoga, (in which I am not one of the good students that can do all the poses and moves easily) It’s frustrating and sometimes depressing feeling how I’ve gone backwards in my progress, and trying not to compare myself to others, – which is hard, when I see most other people doing the things with ease.

Than there are those women…. In this case, THAT woman, the tall slender woman, with an athletic body with long legs, stretching beautifully in front of me, that gets SO hot in there, in that big air-conditioned room with men and women posing on their mats, She gets SO hot, MORE hot than everyone else clearly, because She HAS to take of that little loose fitted top OFF to continue to practice in her little sports bra with her ripped abs and tanned skin. The man behind her certainly doesn’t mind. I felt like going; “oH Yeah! Me too man! I Am SOO hot..” And taking off my top to reveal my jiggly Buddah belly. And stand there in unflattering positions right in front of her and that guy. But no, NO ONE ELSE takes off their top. Just her. As I leave I am in need of a rant, and comes home to a husband who has no Idea what is coming to him, and sets off complaining and tries to compare it in as many understandable ways as possible. But he isn’t one of us. He is not MY kind. He is THEIR kind. He looks so good that he feels totally fine taking off his clothes in public, in fact he is frustrated that HE has to feel self conscious around the big guy who looks at him and thinks he is a douche. Ahhh…. How frustrating.

Well. Even WHEN I get my flat beautiful NON ripped belly, which is more than fine to show off in Yoga, I WON’T. Because I am totally fine with keeping my top on in class like everybody else. However, on the beach, while tanning. I am totally bare chested. Laying there, tanning my nipples. Like my mother and her saggy mommy boobs, that’s the woman I am.

On this side and on that side

My heart is on both sides of the earth

On one side of the planet, I wake up, after a long nightmare about my mother dying, about loosing all my possessions including my passport. I overslept, I had written the wrong time down on my calendar on my phone, so my husband wakes me with a stressed call from my sister in law. I scream as he startled me. I feel depressed. Then I remember with delight that we are going on a spa day,that my husband bought for us as a treat, a full package with a facial and all. I run downstairs and we get there 7 minutes late. The spa was a strange experience, I was sure I was being punk’d or something on a hidden camera because of the characters that were there. It was nice, and relaxing at times but, I didn’t expect to be doing crunches in the middle of a facial. As I sat in the waiting room afterwards, eating grapes and chilling out, I read a few messages from my mum.

On the other side of the planet, my niece has been institutionalized, my mother had waited with her for a really long time, not slept, my niece had finally gotten a place somewhere, but what shook me to my core was, it was the same hospital as my brother used to live in. The name of the hospital in itself, it affects me. The kids in my class teasing me, and singing that stupid song about it in primary school. The countless visitations there, that were both fun, and despairing. The celebration of Christmas at that institution. The constant fear that my brother would kill himself. And after over a decade, he killed himself. Now his daughter is there. After all she’s been through, Loosing her father, being sexually abused by her step father, and betrayed by her mother, she is now finally getting some help, 24/7 attention with professionals, in a safe atmosphere. I hope it’s okay, I hope she’ll feel better. I hope this isn’t one of those cases where there is no turning back. I’m scared. Again. I know it’s not all about me, this is about her, and her well being, and her improvement, but the fact that she is THERE made me feel worse. I am scared for her. Her being suicidal frightens me to the core. Loosing her.. she is so young, younger than me, smarter, brighter and more beautiful than me. She is better than me. But she was given the shortest straw. I have been lucky. I am frightened, worried and trauma from the past is threatening to come out through vomit, tears and hyper breathing. But I’m keeping calm. Calm.

Purr purr purr

catwoman

I am a Happy Kitty…

Days go by as I constantly work on creating work for myself, going on business meetings with potential clients, cook dinner for my husband, keep the apartment clean, go to classes, go to the gym and lay me down to watch me some movies and enjoy my opportune hours to choose to be lazy instead. I am getting better at laying around a little. I know that I am doing what I can to move things forward, so I don’t feel like I am wasting time or being lazy, and my husband has been in a better mood lately, and supported me in my failures, and cheered me on when I work towards something. I know it’s a 50/50 – Me allowing myself to treat myself (WHILE I CAN) and HIM being supportive and not giving me a jealous and slightly bitter attitude when I have had a nice relaxing day. This enables me to enjoy myself more and not be bitter either, when I do all the wifey housework things that was my nightmare to end up doing ever since I was a little girl, but I’ll do it for HIM. Because I love him, and I want to make things easier for him. That is kind of my contribution as I am not really contributing evenly financially.

Making him a packed lunch for him to pick up after school before work, keep the house clean and tidy so he can come home feeling relaxed and space out in peace. Cook him dinner to come home to at night after a 12 hour long day. Rub his back and sometimes his feet when he is exhausted. Give him a blow job before work, or before school to perk him up. Send him some lovely texts during the day that require no answer. Understanding that some nights after a whole day of school and work, and us not having seen each other, that he’ll not want to hang out, only some sex and cuddling, silence, and leaving him to do his own things, homework, Fantasy football, reading the news, masturbating, playing madden. Some HIM time. Keeping myself busy and happy, so he doesn’t have to worry about entertaining me .

It has gotten a lot better, in the beginning we had been apart in a long distance relationship for almost a year, not seeing each other in the Flesh – at all. Meaning NO SEX for either of us for that whole time, and communicating only via post, email, skype and texts. Our love lasted and grew stronger, and when I finally got here through an excruciating process, leaving my familiar and beloved Europe behind, my family, friends and my plans. For HIM. I wanted every second of the day with him, I wanted to squeeze every second for all the romance and intensity I could get, that I had longed for, that I had waited for. But it didn’t take long for him to start needing more space for himself, which broke my heart. It was a disappointment. I started doubting us. Yeah yeah, people are different, but I think that when you really love someone you’ll want to be with them all the time..bla bla bla…. but after a while, some passionate arguments, fights, I learned and came to accept that we are different, and love each other the same, on the same level, but a little differently. And He didn’t ask for much. He needed to get used to me too, having me there all the time, and me to him, our mood-swings, habits, buttons and laundry detergent. And we did. We do spend a hell of a lot of time together. He always chooses me. Hang out with friends, go out, stay behind at work with his coworkers drinking, -no. He comes home. To me. Cycles happily with the helmet I insisted he’d buy and wear, that makes him look like an idiot. To see, me. To hold me. And THAT’s what I want. It makes me purr.

I am glad and willing to push him out the door to hang out with friends more, and he is so positively surprised when I do. Of course!! Friends are so important. He doesn’t have friends on the level I do, not here, he’s not like me. But his buddies, are nice for him to have, so they can watch sports together and all those typical manly things. And the result is, which also pleases me, he misses me. And when he comes home he’s all over me. And I play casual and hard to get…ahhhh Im so in love! It’s sunday, and I am going to a party with some friends tonight. He’s been up since early this morning to catch every single football game. He’s exhausted from standing (!) in front of the TV, running back and forth to his fantasy football league on his computer all day. Now he’s snoozing away, and I look over at his chunky thighs and meaty buttocks… I love him. And he loves me. We are growing, we are learning, our love… is evolving. And as long as we are as passionate for each other as we are, because that is what this kitty needs, I will never give up.