That woman in Yoga who takes off her top

Hello world!

Life has been busy as I have been working five/six different FUN jobs and there has been birthdays and Halloween. I am very happy now that I am bringing in some bacon, and my husband is cooking it happily up for us both, and is able to take some time off whenever the pressure at school takes off.

I am a roller-coaster of emotions, which can change a lot throughout the day, and quickly, and sometimes without warning. I had the day off today to lay about and do some paperwork at my own pace, while my husband was at school. When he was there I sent him such a happy message. About how happy and proud I am of our life, that we fought so hard for, and he worked so hard for. How much fun we’ve had lately, with his family and together, and how much passion and great sex. How I’m loving feeling like I am getting into a better shape, and I love how I look and how his compliments make me feel great.

He cooked up a delicious pasta dish when he came home, and I ate with him happily and rested a bit to digest the food before I headed off, to the gym, to do an hour of Zumba and then another hour of yoga. The past two weeks have been so busy I’ve only gone twice a week to the gym, when I usually try to keep the minimum to three days at least, with some cardio. I’ve been very active however, and I can tell I am getting more control over my body again, which I LOVE. I DO NOT, however, LOVE working out. I DESPISE it, and most of all…  YOGA. Yes yes yes… eeeeeverybody looooooooves Yoga. Ohh it’s so good for you, ahhh I feel so good and reenergized, Ohhh I love stretching, ah gash, I just had a granola bar and I am soooo ready for some yoga. NOOOOOT.

I’ve done Yoga for six years now, (for two years of the beginning I did it everyday as part of my theatrical training) and back then I was a lump of doughy nothing, so it took me a looooong time to progress. And After that I’ve done it (not religiously) but now and then. And trust me, I do NOT look like I’ve done it for six years..! I Do NOt have a yoga body, and never will, I am simply not built that way. Which is fine. I love how I am built. 🙂 But for the past two years I have done VERY little of it, and even less stretching, as I HATE it. it is so painful. I am really flexible ALL over my body, except my hamstrings, which are insanely tight. I can open my hips wiiiiide, and put my legs behind my neck, but I can’t for the love of me, stretch my legs out. And I am FAR from reaching my toes. This is bad, and gives me pains in my lower back. And tears of frustration comes easily when I am stretching them, as they are far more painful than in a normal stretch. So Today during the yoga, (in which I am not one of the good students that can do all the poses and moves easily) It’s frustrating and sometimes depressing feeling how I’ve gone backwards in my progress, and trying not to compare myself to others, – which is hard, when I see most other people doing the things with ease.

Than there are those women…. In this case, THAT woman, the tall slender woman, with an athletic body with long legs, stretching beautifully in front of me, that gets SO hot in there, in that big air-conditioned room with men and women posing on their mats, She gets SO hot, MORE hot than everyone else clearly, because She HAS to take of that little loose fitted top OFF to continue to practice in her little sports bra with her ripped abs and tanned skin. The man behind her certainly doesn’t mind. I felt like going; “oH Yeah! Me too man! I Am SOO hot..” And taking off my top to reveal my jiggly Buddah belly. And stand there in unflattering positions right in front of her and that guy. But no, NO ONE ELSE takes off their top. Just her. As I leave I am in need of a rant, and comes home to a husband who has no Idea what is coming to him, and sets off complaining and tries to compare it in as many understandable ways as possible. But he isn’t one of us. He is not MY kind. He is THEIR kind. He looks so good that he feels totally fine taking off his clothes in public, in fact he is frustrated that HE has to feel self conscious around the big guy who looks at him and thinks he is a douche. Ahhh…. How frustrating.

Well. Even WHEN I get my flat beautiful NON ripped belly, which is more than fine to show off in Yoga, I WON’T. Because I am totally fine with keeping my top on in class like everybody else. However, on the beach, while tanning. I am totally bare chested. Laying there, tanning my nipples. Like my mother and her saggy mommy boobs, that’s the woman I am.


Tut tut

Are we still Married?

As an update to the lat post, – after crying and battling my thoughts, refusing to talk, to say anything at all, as I am always the one initiating “confrontation” or a talk-through after an argument or a tiff, I let it go, aaaaall night, and we fought a cold silent war all night, until he went to bed, not saying a single word.

I was sitting in the toilet CRYING at 3:30, and FINALLY after a looong time, he shouted at me from bed, and as I didn’t respond, he came into the bathroom and asked what was wrong. I asked him back. Then he said; ‘What do you think?’. As I said that I had no idea, he rolled his eyes and went back to bed. I followed and asked what was wrong. What had kept him silent since we checked out at Walmart, all the way home, all through making dinner, eating, me doing dishes, him watching movies, ignoring me until he went to bed? After HE had been impatient and kind of rude at Walmart?

‘I didn’t like the way you looked at those guys.’ I was shell shocked and confused, ‘What guys!?’ It was the black guys i mentioned in the last post that we had walked by and he had said ‘ Oh no.’ (we have this internal joke about black guys being attracted to me), and I teased him. REALLY?! All these hours of seeing me cry and being upset, ‘I thought you felt guilty.’ As I explained to him that I hadn’t looked at them at all and I didn’t remember how they looked even, I expressed that I didn’t feel sorry for him at all, and had he just told me this right away, HOURS ago, we could talk through it and made him feel better. Then had a nice night together. But NO, instead he behaved like a stubborn dick letting me cry in anguish.

Needless to say, he understood what he had done, and we kind of made up. This morning he texted me from school asking me if I forgive him. I said ‘Of course I do. Let’s just say I think you have some making up to do.’ And when I came home today he had bought me a water bottle just like I was looking at in Walmart, but a really nice expensive one. And he has been really lovely all day. He promised never to do that to me again.

Jealousy is something we have discussed for a very long time, and we are equally jealous of each other and we sometimes handle it badly, but I have always said that we just need to communicate about it. To tell each other when it happens, and how we feel, and be patient with each other. So his behavior was completely unjustified for many reasons.

Are we still married? Yes, yes we are.