That woman in Yoga who takes off her top

Hello world!

Life has been busy as I have been working five/six different FUN jobs and there has been birthdays and Halloween. I am very happy now that I am bringing in some bacon, and my husband is cooking it happily up for us both, and is able to take some time off whenever the pressure at school takes off.

I am a roller-coaster of emotions, which can change a lot throughout the day, and quickly, and sometimes without warning. I had the day off today to lay about and do some paperwork at my own pace, while my husband was at school. When he was there I sent him such a happy message. About how happy and proud I am of our life, that we fought so hard for, and he worked so hard for. How much fun we’ve had lately, with his family and together, and how much passion and great sex. How I’m loving feeling like I am getting into a better shape, and I love how I look and how his compliments make me feel great.

He cooked up a delicious pasta dish when he came home, and I ate with him happily and rested a bit to digest the food before I headed off, to the gym, to do an hour of Zumba and then another hour of yoga. The past two weeks have been so busy I’ve only gone twice a week to the gym, when I usually try to keep the minimum to three days at least, with some cardio. I’ve been very active however, and I can tell I am getting more control over my body again, which I LOVE. I DO NOT, however, LOVE working out. I DESPISE it, and most of all…  YOGA. Yes yes yes… eeeeeverybody looooooooves Yoga. Ohh it’s so good for you, ahhh I feel so good and reenergized, Ohhh I love stretching, ah gash, I just had a granola bar and I am soooo ready for some yoga. NOOOOOT.

I’ve done Yoga for six years now, (for two years of the beginning I did it everyday as part of my theatrical training) and back then I was a lump of doughy nothing, so it took me a looooong time to progress. And After that I’ve done it (not religiously) but now and then. And trust me, I do NOT look like I’ve done it for six years..! I Do NOt have a yoga body, and never will, I am simply not built that way. Which is fine. I love how I am built. 🙂 But for the past two years I have done VERY little of it, and even less stretching, as I HATE it. it is so painful. I am really flexible ALL over my body, except my hamstrings, which are insanely tight. I can open my hips wiiiiide, and put my legs behind my neck, but I can’t for the love of me, stretch my legs out. And I am FAR from reaching my toes. This is bad, and gives me pains in my lower back. And tears of frustration comes easily when I am stretching them, as they are far more painful than in a normal stretch. So Today during the yoga, (in which I am not one of the good students that can do all the poses and moves easily) It’s frustrating and sometimes depressing feeling how I’ve gone backwards in my progress, and trying not to compare myself to others, – which is hard, when I see most other people doing the things with ease.

Than there are those women…. In this case, THAT woman, the tall slender woman, with an athletic body with long legs, stretching beautifully in front of me, that gets SO hot in there, in that big air-conditioned room with men and women posing on their mats, She gets SO hot, MORE hot than everyone else clearly, because She HAS to take of that little loose fitted top OFF to continue to practice in her little sports bra with her ripped abs and tanned skin. The man behind her certainly doesn’t mind. I felt like going; “oH Yeah! Me too man! I Am SOO hot..” And taking off my top to reveal my jiggly Buddah belly. And stand there in unflattering positions right in front of her and that guy. But no, NO ONE ELSE takes off their top. Just her. As I leave I am in need of a rant, and comes home to a husband who has no Idea what is coming to him, and sets off complaining and tries to compare it in as many understandable ways as possible. But he isn’t one of us. He is not MY kind. He is THEIR kind. He looks so good that he feels totally fine taking off his clothes in public, in fact he is frustrated that HE has to feel self conscious around the big guy who looks at him and thinks he is a douche. Ahhh…. How frustrating.

Well. Even WHEN I get my flat beautiful NON ripped belly, which is more than fine to show off in Yoga, I WON’T. Because I am totally fine with keeping my top on in class like everybody else. However, on the beach, while tanning. I am totally bare chested. Laying there, tanning my nipples. Like my mother and her saggy mommy boobs, that’s the woman I am.

Marriage councelling calms the storm

THIS IS THE POST I STARTED WRITING LAST WEEK THAT WASN’T SAVED…

 

Today I woke up from the outrageously loud construction from outside our building. (ARE WE REALLY PAYING A FULL MONTHS RENT !?) It has been going on every few days for a month now, and is SO annoying. I couldn’t get to sleep for a looong ass time, and I didn’t need to be woken up like that.

However, no nightmares. I was calm. Put on a bit of BBC’s old fashioned Crime series, while waking up for email checks etc. Hearing the English accents and seeing the countryside makes me feel good, and as I checked my emails, I was delighted to find that my job that I’ve had in the fire a long time, the one that has been really unsure has come through! Ahhhh Im gonna make money!!! I was so happy! I texted my husband as he was already in school and he sent supportive messages. I sent out receipts, made some calls, emailed here and there, did some paperwork and lesson plans, feeling good. Finally being able to do those things I tried to do yesterday but couldn’t because I was retardedly (sorry if this word offends someone) dysfunctional, practically speaking.

I felt better about my niece. I know her. She is strong. She is tough. She has survived so far. I felt more rational. As the husband came home, sweaty and wet from cycling home in the rain, grumpy as he didn’t want to shuffle off again right away to our marriage counseling, and his belly growling from hunger, I immediately got stressed out by his vibes, and although he didn’t say anything bad, his mood still affects me. Less now than it did when I first moved in, but I know how to avoid it getting worse, by shutting up, and making sure I am out of his way. We shuffle out, go downstairs, and meet our housing manager. He stops to talk to us about this recent ‘event’ that happened between me and my neighbor. This is what happened.

I had my sister in law and baby nephew visiting and our neighbors, that moved in a month ago, replacing a drug addict couple that fought ALL the time, were, GUESS WHAT, – fighting. As I said bye to them in the hallway, my sister in law told me to call the housing manager or the police, their door was cracked open and it was loud. It sounded like he was slapping her. They left and I decided, NO, I haven’t met them yet, and I feel like giving anyone a fair chance, I’ll knock on their door, introduce myself, and politely say that they were being quite loud.

THIS IS WHERE EVERYTHING WAS DELETED SO – LUCKILY FOR YOU, I AM TOO LAZY TO WRITE ALL OF IT, AND WILL SUMMARIZE IT. SEEING NOW HOW LONG THIS POST ALREADY IS, MAYBE IT WAS ALL FOR THE BEST… HA HA HA.

The neighbor came out and was pretty grumpy, he was LITERALLY wearing a wife-beater (those white tank-tops) and he listened to what I had to say quietly with a “What the fuck” expression, and as he didn’t say anything I kept going.. Then he shouted inside to his wife, ” Our neighbor want’s to know what we are doing in here!” I said quickly “No, no! That’s not what I meant, I just wanted to…” And before I could say anything else, ALL sorts of typical women-bashing profanity was thrown in my face, Which in itself was disturbing, but then he said something RACIST, YES one can be racist against white people, and that’s what happened to me, and THIS was what made me go INSANE. Well, quietly and rationally so… I tried to explain over and over, as the wife came out and asked me what was the problem, if the TV was too loud, She was holding him back as he was verbally attacking me. I told them that I would call the housing manager, and he shouted to “Go fucking call the manager then!” And I did. Our lazy shitty manager was somewhere else, but said he would be back in 30 min. He never came. I locked my door and sat there and texted my husband all night…

On our way to the Counselor, we met the housing manager and it had been over a week, and he had said this and that to me, my husband and sister-in-law on different occasions, and to them he had even said that the guy was going to apologize within two weeks.. Which is weird… within two weeks? Okay… but then we met him, and he made us late for our appointment as he is so slow at getting to the point, which was; The guy was NOT going to apologize, because he HADN’T shouted at me, and I had knocked on THEIR door. This infuriated me, AS IF I would get away with saying something RACIST towards ANYONE WHO ISN’T WHITE, in this case, this oriental guy, this piece of shit, had just gotten away with it, no problem. YEAH, next time I will call the cops. ARRGHHHH…. Fury bubbling through me as we discussed it with the counselor. But it helped to talk about it.

AND THAT IS HOW SHE CALMED THE STORM… Ha ha. Sorry about this. Any thoughts on this neighbor attack!? Was I ludicrously naive to introduce myself to a new neighbor who did indeed sound from the outside like he was under the influence? Should I put down my refusal to be the kind of human being that WANTS to make things work between HUMANS, by conversing face to face, interacting and being a NEIGHBOR!?

Purr purr purr

catwoman

I am a Happy Kitty…

Days go by as I constantly work on creating work for myself, going on business meetings with potential clients, cook dinner for my husband, keep the apartment clean, go to classes, go to the gym and lay me down to watch me some movies and enjoy my opportune hours to choose to be lazy instead. I am getting better at laying around a little. I know that I am doing what I can to move things forward, so I don’t feel like I am wasting time or being lazy, and my husband has been in a better mood lately, and supported me in my failures, and cheered me on when I work towards something. I know it’s a 50/50 – Me allowing myself to treat myself (WHILE I CAN) and HIM being supportive and not giving me a jealous and slightly bitter attitude when I have had a nice relaxing day. This enables me to enjoy myself more and not be bitter either, when I do all the wifey housework things that was my nightmare to end up doing ever since I was a little girl, but I’ll do it for HIM. Because I love him, and I want to make things easier for him. That is kind of my contribution as I am not really contributing evenly financially.

Making him a packed lunch for him to pick up after school before work, keep the house clean and tidy so he can come home feeling relaxed and space out in peace. Cook him dinner to come home to at night after a 12 hour long day. Rub his back and sometimes his feet when he is exhausted. Give him a blow job before work, or before school to perk him up. Send him some lovely texts during the day that require no answer. Understanding that some nights after a whole day of school and work, and us not having seen each other, that he’ll not want to hang out, only some sex and cuddling, silence, and leaving him to do his own things, homework, Fantasy football, reading the news, masturbating, playing madden. Some HIM time. Keeping myself busy and happy, so he doesn’t have to worry about entertaining me .

It has gotten a lot better, in the beginning we had been apart in a long distance relationship for almost a year, not seeing each other in the Flesh – at all. Meaning NO SEX for either of us for that whole time, and communicating only via post, email, skype and texts. Our love lasted and grew stronger, and when I finally got here through an excruciating process, leaving my familiar and beloved Europe behind, my family, friends and my plans. For HIM. I wanted every second of the day with him, I wanted to squeeze every second for all the romance and intensity I could get, that I had longed for, that I had waited for. But it didn’t take long for him to start needing more space for himself, which broke my heart. It was a disappointment. I started doubting us. Yeah yeah, people are different, but I think that when you really love someone you’ll want to be with them all the time..bla bla bla…. but after a while, some passionate arguments, fights, I learned and came to accept that we are different, and love each other the same, on the same level, but a little differently. And He didn’t ask for much. He needed to get used to me too, having me there all the time, and me to him, our mood-swings, habits, buttons and laundry detergent. And we did. We do spend a hell of a lot of time together. He always chooses me. Hang out with friends, go out, stay behind at work with his coworkers drinking, -no. He comes home. To me. Cycles happily with the helmet I insisted he’d buy and wear, that makes him look like an idiot. To see, me. To hold me. And THAT’s what I want. It makes me purr.

I am glad and willing to push him out the door to hang out with friends more, and he is so positively surprised when I do. Of course!! Friends are so important. He doesn’t have friends on the level I do, not here, he’s not like me. But his buddies, are nice for him to have, so they can watch sports together and all those typical manly things. And the result is, which also pleases me, he misses me. And when he comes home he’s all over me. And I play casual and hard to get…ahhhh Im so in love! It’s sunday, and I am going to a party with some friends tonight. He’s been up since early this morning to catch every single football game. He’s exhausted from standing (!) in front of the TV, running back and forth to his fantasy football league on his computer all day. Now he’s snoozing away, and I look over at his chunky thighs and meaty buttocks… I love him. And he loves me. We are growing, we are learning, our love… is evolving. And as long as we are as passionate for each other as we are, because that is what this kitty needs, I will never give up.

Eye drops on my red eyes and rest for the mind

Are we still married?

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I woke up at my friends house way too early after a long night of fretting, crying and talking to my best friend from home on the phone. Viber is a great app. She had calmed me down a hell of a lot, and empathized with me and lulled me to sleep. I woke up with a knot in my stomach. It’s like my brain had been screwed on the whole time, I knew exactly where I was and what had happened as soon as I opened my eyes. I woke up to the sound of silent vibration, and I frantically checked my phone, hoping, terrified that it was him, my husband, saying something loving, instead of anyone else saying anything else.

I looked at my phone, and the breath was kicked out of me as I read messages from my husband; “Are you okay? I miss you.. Can you come home? Please..” “Are you up?” I answered right away, “Yes… I’ll come.” And I walked home in the scorching and bright morning sun, having left my friend a grateful note. I felt calmer, but still unsettled, a little angry. I knew I had acted wrongly, and that I needed to improve, after our little argument that just got out of hand, but I felt wronged too, threatened and exhausted.

As I finally walked through the door, I was instantly greeted by a very worried looking husband. He backed off tentatively as I took my shoes off and put my backpack down. I walked inside and got myself a glass of cold water. We looked at each other, and he said sorry. He hugged me, firmly, nervous and breathed slowly but heavily, while saying “I am so sorry” several times. I had forgotten my phone at my friends place, and I had an important day ahead of me, and I needed my phone, so after we had talked a little, he offered to cycle with me to my friends place, collect my phone and cycle home together for some more hours of sleep. We cycled quietly past the tourists, bright and happy on their way to the beach. When we came home, we were smiling, and carefully moving around each other not saying much.

We laid down on the bed together. He was mild, attentive, and so incredible like he always is when we make up. I hate that it takes something horrible like this to get him into this state. My eyes were Soooo red… Bloodshut, and my hair was frazzled and I was just emotionally and mentally drained. He was tired too, he hadn’t slept very well. I was glad I had left, because I slept a lot better than I would have in our apartment, listening to him snoring.. while I was heartbroken and petrified that we were heading towards a divorce.

I told him that he shouldn’t set conditions for our love, close couples living together argue..! That’s a fact! And in some periods, more than usual. And we are in our FIRST year of marriage, which is HARD. He agreed. I asked him if he truly felt those things he had said, “Maybe we aren’t right.” He said that he didn’t mean it, but he had learned the language from me. That in my scared worried thoughtless ramblings I had uttered similar words of doubt, and this had stuck in his brain. Like I mentioned after that argument in ‘Nighttime sexytime failure’ and discovering that he had used threatening language (“I thought I married a grown up, I didn’t sign up for this…) because I had uttered threatening words first. We agreed that we should be careful with those things, as they only make us less confident and secure with each other. And that we shouldn’t say it unless we REALLY meant it, and that meant that something drastic had to be done. He was very sorry. I had already apologized on the night for my stupid behavior, but what he wanted was a reaction from me that maybe made me realize that I had caused him a lot of stress too, with these night time arguments. (Although that is pretty much the only time we are together – with our schedule.) I asked him if he meant that it was ALL my fault for the arguments. He said “of course not.” And I felt a whole lot better.

We slept… woke up. Smiled at each other. And I just knew… things were okay, and I didn’t need to ponder on things… it is NOT the beginning of the end, we are together, and we are getting better, we are getting through those shitty fights NOW, learning.   – Are we still married? Yes.

Why does money have to be so…

A lovely couple gave us some real good advice, over six months ago, before we got married… One of the biggest issues that come up in a marriage is; finance. “Have finance meetings.” They told us, “Talk about it, communicate positively about it, iron out your issues and plan things out together.” We’ve been okay with finance, we’ve had a few meetings, and things have been OK. I haven’t been able to work, since I just got to the states. I got my work authorization card in late august, and it’s now October, and I still haven’t managed to get a solid, job. Nothing that is signed, sealed, delivered… I’m waiting, and being as proactive as I can without pushing too hard. It’s a small community and I don’t want to ruin my reputation.

We had to take out a $1000 from our savings this month to pay our bills, and there are still things coming at me that has to be paid. I’ve paid all my own major bills such as student loan with my own money that I got from tax return etc. But I initiated having this meeting so we could update each other, I could tell him where I am at so that he knows what I am doing towards work, and he could tell me his concerns.

The meeting was running smoothly, as in I was talking and calculating estimated income from the two jobs I have lined up, which are still not solid. And he was looking at pictures on instagram, videos, reading stuff from his phone, joking and responding. He was listening, but I didn’t feel that he had that much to say. As I encouraged him to say something he said he was fine, and I told him how good he had done these six months taking care of the both of us. All of a sudden things turned around a little, and he started saying that our plans to move to Los Angeles next June isn’t going to happen if I don’t save around $700 a month, and that he likes to live comfortably, and that he doesn’t like working this hard without anything to show for it… All in a jumbled order and out of nowhere. All of a sudden I was sitting there feeling stressed out and weird, and not understanding what was going on. It’s to boring to write down what happened and what we talked about and how we tried to turn the mood around… I just can’t be bothered to write it.

The point is, he is trying to cuddle and relax, after cutting me off trying to REALLY iron it out, so that I could feel a 100% better, understandably so as he has to get up and go to school and do an exam. He said that, went over to his computer and played a bit of fantasy football league. At first I thought he felt guilty, as he came over all cute and lovingly, then I realized he wanted to get laid. It wasn’t going to happen as I got my period today (which isn’t an issue really but I am in a lot of pain). He was trying to get my mind of things, and I said that I understand that he had to cut me off this time, but that instead of getting passive and turning around almost sleeping, that he could just try and work a little harder towards an end so that we could really sort things out before bed, for my sake, as I can’t really rest if it isn’t. He agreed and we were okay. But I’m still grumpy. I told him to just chill and watch TV or whatever that he shouldn’t worry I’ll try to get out of the funk myself. He didn’t say anything, but turned on the TV. And I’m like; :HEY! Say SOMETHING… say yes! or No! Or okay babe, that’s fine. Don’t just say nothing! Jeez. Then he said, “Yes. Ok. I don’t want you to get stressed. But I am going to rest now.” So I nodded satisfied and went over to my mac to write. Drown myself in this blog post and just get it out.

Why does money have to rule our lives? I think I am quite good at looking at money the way it should be. I’ve been really poor before, and I’ve been okay to the point where I could travel to a destination on the other side of the world and volunteer for charitable causes. And all of that, by myself, and the generous mother that I have, who allows me to creep back into my childhood bedroom when I need to save money. Now, I haven’t worked at all for six months and he is taking care of anything, so it would seem like a dick thing to do, to try and say; It’s just money. It’ll always come back, there will always be money coming and going. But life, is precious. And THAT’s what we should worry about, and work hard for. To be happy. And that working hard and having no money to “show for” as he says, is sometimes life! We are in our mid twenties, and people have mortgages and children, and we are OKAY! I can’t wait to work. So that when he keeps tabs on things, and hours and uses it as a weapon in an argument or as an excuse when he has behaved like a dick, I can prove him wrong. I would like to think that I wouldn’t guilt trip him if I was the one taking care of us. Which would be the situation I would prefer. He is supportive, he SAYS he likes taking care of me. But again, he DOES mention those things and THOSE words are what makes me UNABLE to live the “good life” of not working and doing whatever I want to do in the day.

GIVE ME MONEY! Please! So I can throw it at him, pay my bills and just LIVE LIFE. 😦

Nighttime sexytime failure – update

Today is our 6 month wedding anniversary, and we are celebrating later. We’ve both been busy, but he is off for the rest of the day, and I am going to a class in 15 min. Then I am off too. I already know what t wear. My red laced dress, and he has booked a table at a fancy restaurant.

But i have a big lump in my belly as things seem to have taken a serious turn. He is concerned about last nights events. I overreacted. I walked out of the apartment to get some air crying, and as he told me t come back, I called him a dick. That is not adult behavior. And in his words, he thought he married an adult. And if this happens over and over, he will start thinking; what did i get myself into? He wants me to bring it up with the counselor. I am a bit flustered, as he used those words that feel pretty threatening to me, not to mention angry that he would say those things, as if he always acts like a grown up. I have numerous examples… I don’t know what to do. Now I have to go. Wish me luck..?

A little Lonely

Kangaroo - Cuddly toy - stuffed animal - Teddy bear - Cute Kangaroo - sleeping

It’s been a little up and down this week, and last night I confronted my stressed out husband about how I’ve felt. He’s got exams coming up, and this is only his second week back in school. He hasn’t really been working as productively, I’ve noticed that too, he’s been juggling Work, School, Being a commissioner of a Fantasy football league, and Homework pretty well. But he isn’t really taking time to spend quality time with me. Because when he is done with all of this, he either needs to sleep, eat or take some ‘me time’. And to be honest, it has left me feeling quite lonely.

I’ve been quite busy too, and I feel like I’ve utilized that in the hours when we are sitting on our separate computers, and doing our own thing. I’ll be quiet, but occasionally comment or something or ask a question. And this is ALL fine really, but in addition to this, he is moody and impatient with me. I came home the other day from my first day at my new job, I had only worked four hours but I had gotten up early after little sleep, so I was tired but excited, and I had a show later that night at the theater. He asked me how it was, but kept zoning out and staring at the football game on TV as I was talking. After a while I made a joke about it and lied down to rest, and hoped that he would overcompensate and continue the conversation, or at least apologize. I fell asleep after a while.

As I was sleeping, I woke up needing some water, and I said that he didn’t need to keep Seinfeld on the TV, and I said he could change the channel. But He said it was okay as he knew I’d sleep better to this. – I have suffered a bit from insomnia and struggle to sleep without sound. Later I woke up again to the sound of fingers clicking a controller. He was playing Madden, and the TV is right next to the bed, so I woke up from that single sound, as it was solely that sound. I kept rolling around a bit, since the silence got my mind to race.. and I was plagued by the silence. I fell asleep, woke up, fell asleep, woke up. Then I said, thinking that he had kept the sound off, for my sake; “I’d actually prefer it if you had the sound on I think.” He just said yeah and kept playing. After a little while I added, “So What I am saying is, can you turn the sound on?” And he just mumbled annoyed back to me, and I rolled over. I woke up later after a SHITTY nap, and he was all huffing and puffing around, getting ready to go to the gym. Then he threw the remote control on to where I was lying, and I asked what was up.

He didn’t like how I had said to turn the sound up. And he thought that I was being inconsiderate. I said I thought he was inconsiderate when I came home and he didn’t listen to me. And he started ranting on about how busy he is, with homework, and that he needed to get on with his day, so I should take that into consideration and bla bla bla, and he had just woken up when I came home… (Like I had just then). As he came back from the gym later he wasn’t in much better of a mood. And we left each other in an unsettled mood when we went to work.

When I was in the theater getting ready to go onstage, he texted me; “I;m sorry babe, I’m stressed out about the exams, and I shouldn’t take it out on you. I’m just being grumpy today. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I accepted it and said we needed to talk it out later as I wasn’t happy and we needed a new strategy for his stress levels and for me to get some romance out of our mundane lives. The talk was long and it took us a while to get anywhere. I expressed how I felt a little like he wasn’t IN love with me. And that he didn’t give me the same focus as he does on everything else that he does so well, because around me he wants to shut down and just watch TV, like we are best buddies all the time. We talked through trying to give him more QUIET no TV time to study, and strategies for that. It was good.

Later as I was sleeping on the futon, (The bed has given me back problems,) and he was on the bed, he came over to me and spooned me for a Looong time, stroking my back and arms, holding me. He rarely does this, and when he does he doesn’t do it for long. He gets so hot so quickly, and he gets tired of stroking. I couldn’t believe it, AND we were watching a Holocaust movie which is my favorite genre. I thin sleeping in separate beds for a week also contributed to not feeling that closeness. I fell asleep before the movie was over…! (miracle) and I slept like a BABY!

If ANYONE has read ALL of this, then… thank you ! Well done.. haha. I bet it’s been boring and self-indulgent even. But if anyone take anything from this, or enjoying reading it in the slightest, Please comment! Let me know..! I would love some feedback. xxx LW

“one of us has to work”

It’s never nice to hear that.

No, after having my employment authorization card for a month, I still haven’t got a job. Although I have two very good opportunities up my sleeve.  I think I might have two well paid jobs soon, and I am very excited about it, so I don’t have to feel guilty and inadequate all the time.

Oh my husband has been super supportive, as he is studying and working as a server, and we are basically living off his tips, he is working very hard and doing very well. He didn’t however do all of this for ME. It’s not like I asked him to move his world and leave everyone behind and start over. It’s not like he has changed his life at ALL. He would be doing the exact same thing if i wasn’t here. Yeah, he could spend more of his hard earned money on more stuff from Amazon, but hey, he wouldn’t get laid every day and a Blow Job several times a week.

He will say, when I tell him that I feel guilty and stressed, that I shouldn’t think that way and that he doesn’t, but then when I am irritating him wanting some attention while he is sitting down with his Fantasy Football league, he’ll turn around and say; “I’m tired babe, One of us has to work.” I told him I didn’t like him saying that, but then he said; ” It’s true, and I want it to be acknowledged. I need you to respect that.”

Yeah, so I had a lazy day today, where I sat on the couch writing, researching and watching TV, masturbating now and then and having a jolly good time. But I also sold our cooler on Craigslist, got it picked up, and made cash, Cooked dinner and went to the gym. and I remarked on having a nice day off from the theater and it looking like he had a Pajama party all day, and his attitude changed as soon as I said that, and I KNOW that THAT was what made him say that. If I hadn’t said anything, which I did to show appreciation that I can do that, he never would have thought of it, and used that excuse. I do understand and respect if he is tired, and I would back off if he tells me that, but DON’T use that JOB argument.

And just as I wrote this, he asked if I was mad at him and I promptly and irritably replied yes, he came over, and I said that I understood that he is tired, and I can respect that and he can do what he wants, but don’t expect me to NOT feel guilty and stressed out when he uses that argument, he apologized and said it wasn’t really about me, but about him. We sorted it out quickly and sweetly… And Now I sit here smiling, beaming, watching him play Madden.

Tut tut

Are we still Married?

As an update to the lat post, https://arewestillmarried.wordpress.com/2014/09/22/quiet-monday/ – after crying and battling my thoughts, refusing to talk, to say anything at all, as I am always the one initiating “confrontation” or a talk-through after an argument or a tiff, I let it go, aaaaall night, and we fought a cold silent war all night, until he went to bed, not saying a single word.

I was sitting in the toilet CRYING at 3:30, and FINALLY after a looong time, he shouted at me from bed, and as I didn’t respond, he came into the bathroom and asked what was wrong. I asked him back. Then he said; ‘What do you think?’. As I said that I had no idea, he rolled his eyes and went back to bed. I followed and asked what was wrong. What had kept him silent since we checked out at Walmart, all the way home, all through making dinner, eating, me doing dishes, him watching movies, ignoring me until he went to bed? After HE had been impatient and kind of rude at Walmart?

‘I didn’t like the way you looked at those guys.’ I was shell shocked and confused, ‘What guys!?’ It was the black guys i mentioned in the last post that we had walked by and he had said ‘ Oh no.’ (we have this internal joke about black guys being attracted to me), and I teased him. REALLY?! All these hours of seeing me cry and being upset, ‘I thought you felt guilty.’ As I explained to him that I hadn’t looked at them at all and I didn’t remember how they looked even, I expressed that I didn’t feel sorry for him at all, and had he just told me this right away, HOURS ago, we could talk through it and made him feel better. Then had a nice night together. But NO, instead he behaved like a stubborn dick letting me cry in anguish.

Needless to say, he understood what he had done, and we kind of made up. This morning he texted me from school asking me if I forgive him. I said ‘Of course I do. Let’s just say I think you have some making up to do.’ And when I came home today he had bought me a water bottle just like I was looking at in Walmart, but a really nice expensive one. And he has been really lovely all day. He promised never to do that to me again.

Jealousy is something we have discussed for a very long time, and we are equally jealous of each other and we sometimes handle it badly, but I have always said that we just need to communicate about it. To tell each other when it happens, and how we feel, and be patient with each other. So his behavior was completely unjustified for many reasons.

Are we still married? Yes, yes we are.