Unsupported

For a while now I have felt alone in my faith in myself. I work hard at everything I do, perhaps not so hard at sticking to my diet and working out but, I am trying to make opportunities for myself, as well as paying the bills in a job that I am happy in.

My mother doesn’t get what I do. And my asshole father isn’t in the picture so forget about him. My family are all far away, so I am here, with my husband, and he just doesn’t show any interest in what I do. He doesn’t come to any of the events i facilitate, he doesn’t read my material, he doesn’t ask to. He doesn’t ask to see anything I’ve made, and when I sometimes ask, he’ll reject the offer politely. It might as well has been a rude rejection, it hurts just as much.

Fuck them all.

My mother comes with shitty unsupportive comments, picking me apart, trying to steer me in a different direction, a direction she likes. I’ve gotten better at taking criticism, and sometimes just leaving something alone, when I want to defend myself.

I don’t know why, but despite it all, I believe in myself. I believe I can succeed. Why? Nobody’s telling me I can do it, that I am good enough. Anyone who does is not a constant in my life, or not even that close to me. Should it matter what they think? Does it mean anything? Should it matter what my husband thinks, and my family?

Am I doing it for myself? No. But it would be nice to be with someone who gets it, and who makes me feel like I am doing good, that he is interested, fascinated, that he LIKES it. THAT, makes me think of divorce. To just be alone. Why should I be with someone who doesn’t show that he cares.

Are we still married? Yes.

Advertisements

He called me lazy.

And here it is… finally. After all this time, after I’ve felt him judging me silently, after he has mentioned during every argument that I am not “busy” enough.. he called me lazy.

I am so angry. It makes me want to tear up his stuff and leave. Go home to my family.

Right before Christmas a family member died,  and my closest family are all grieving. I am not there. I won’t be there for them, I wasn’t there to help out in Christmas, to help out prepare for the funeral, and I wont be there for the funeral. Not having been there I’ve been okay, but sad and guilty thinking about them. Arguments with him makes this harder to accept. It makes me think of the D word. A LOT.

Why is it I always have to prove myself to him? He has never had to prove himself to me? He does say, “I know I’m not perfect.. but..” Fuck off! Honestly! GO FUCK YOURSELF ON YOUR FUCKING HIGH HORSE! Jesus. I’m so mad at him. I texted him at work. I know I shouldn’t have. But I was so mad I couldn’t control myself. Fuck. He thinks I’m weak. He thinks I’m lazy. Too sensitive. That I don’t pull my weight around the house. Ha ha ah ha. OOohhhh about time we get a new couples counsellor .

Why do I CARE? Because I love him madly. If I didn’t I wouldn’t put up with this SHIT. If we weren’t married, I would have left long ago. That might sound bad but Its probably true.

 

We need to have more sex

Sure, I’ve been ill for three weeks, it’s been tough. And it’s not very attractive, being full of mucus, phlegm and constantly coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose.

My husband and I have had a great christmas. But the result of me being sick is that we haven’t had sex more than two times in three weeks! AAAAAHHHHHHH 2171491-young-blonde-ill-woman-studio-shoot

It’s hard. I have been so tired and groggy that I have rejected him over and over, and when I feel good, he’s not in the mood. So it’s unlucky, but it still sucks.

The two times we DID have sex, oohhh one of them was soo good… We did a naughty fantasy situation one. Taboo…! Ohh yeah. Anyway, we both agreed we were gonna do it more, as we felt that we needed to remember how good it was, and that it was worth the “hard work” and we only remember that when we do it.

It also makes me feel a hell of a lot better of course. You don’t exactly feel attractive walking around like a pyjama clad mucus ball with no makeup and straggly hair. Yeah so I let myself go a bit. Ha ha ha. yckA5MBoi sick woman ill

Christmas time again

Are we still married..?

YES!

I don’t know what to say… I haven’t posted, interacted or even looked at this space for a year. And I’ve been thinking about it, worrying about it, feeling guilty about it… But it just hasn’t happened. The longer I waited, the harder it was.

I don’t care anymore. I will write, when I can. And when I want to. And I am sorry to the community that I used to follow and interact with, I have missed you, and I hope you are okay!

Since last year a lot has happened, Most importantly we have moved, to California, and I am a lot happier here. We have a bigger home, and we are doing better all round, but of course there are still ups and downs, and sometimes It is really REALLY hard.

But it is almost Christmas, and I am so excited! I hope you are too, we are celebrating it together, our stockings are filled to the brim, presents bought, Christmas tree up and everything  is ready. And most importantly, WE ARE STILL MARRIED! Yaaaaaaay

Our little place, a lot of Love!

Are we still married…?

HELLS YES! Things are going really well in our little household of two. ❤Photo on 02-12-2014 at 02.48 #2

Its funny how when I am REALLY happy, how often I give him a treat. Today we initiated December by buying a teeny tiny Christmas tree,🎄 stockings, decorations and fun stuff to decorate the house. I had made a playlist which we played and I had bought cinnamon oil to put in our candle oil-burner, so the house smelled sooo Christmassy as we were writing cards for our families. For the first time signing our names together, as a married couple. How neat is that..? 🎁

The day was interrupted sometimes with Santa’s helper being a naughty girl and Santa having to have a serious talk with her, 🎅 and Santa’s helper getting her big Christmas wish fulfilled a little early, – sucking on a big candy cane. 🍭 So yeah, there was a lot of sex, and nice treats for my man, for the past few days things have gotten better. And I take it down to us working on our foreplay, and him doing more for me. Although we’re not really doing as much foreplay as we should, STILL being too impatient, I feel like he is more aware and trying MUCH harder. To initiate pleasing ME. And we are so merry at the moment that things are just gliiiiiding so smoothly.

I am so lucky! Here’s to december, and all the days of Christmas preparations ahead!

empty pillbox

Since I moved here I have been taken my medication for my hypothyroidism that I brought from home. I finished the box a few months ago, and my mother sent me another from my last prescription from back home. I finished that box just over two weeks ago, and totally forgot about up until Friday, where I realized that I had been so tired all week. I can’t believe that I have been so irresponsible.

I have felt so heavy, sleepy, yet not really slept well. I have been so tired, and struggling through the days, skipping the gym, and when I went to the gym I only managed 20 min of cardio instead of my regular 40. My husband is constantly asking me if I am okay, as I apparently seem a little down. I have been distant, and disorganized, I’ll plan things ahead before going to work, or interviews or doing whatever task lies ahead, and then I seem to mess it up somehow. I forget things.

I know this sounds silly, but it saddens me that I need medication to function normally. It’s not a big deal and I am so lucky! I am so lucky that it’s only that. Nothing else, I just have to take ONE pill every day for the rest of my life, and yet I managed to mess that up. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I am lucky that I am healthy, it’s just a little depressing. The same sad feeling I get when I take off my contacts at night and realize that without them I am BLIND. I guess it’s the feeling of not being in total control of myself. I love the fact that I make good choices, that I plan ahead, am organized despite my scatty and artistic nature, that I am always on time, and that I am getting into better shape. I don’t drink or smoke, and I don’t do drugs, I don’t want anything interfering with my brain. As I have dealt with all things good and bad, myself, with my own strong mind. Death, sickness, love, friendship, family feuds, failure, poverty. And now, that I don’t have this pill, although things are great and I am trying to be as structured and self-disciplined as usual… It’s harder.

Well, a week from now, I’ll have my pillbox full of my little helping pill, and I’ll be back to the focused, energized self!

Turkey hunting and foreplay

My husband and I have been so busy lately, which is good and it’s making us happy. We had our first marriage counseling for weeeeks, and it was nice talking. I felt like the only area we really haven’t improved in at all is our sexlife. We have great sex together, but not really very good at foreplay. I am not very good at letting him go down on me, I don’t ask for it enough, and he isn’t super experienced and doesn’t take initiative as much as I would like. Because I am insecure, I need him to be insistent, and take more time for me. We talked about it, and how we are both impatient, we skip foreplay almost everytime, but as a result, it is painful for me for the first five minutes, and I have built up this anguish every time we start, anticipating the pain and making it worse. So, we talked through it and got our homework which was MORE foreplay and him going down on me.

Last night wasn’t a very successful run as I couldn’t even get to come when he was fingering me on my clit, I was so worried that he would get tired, I had trouble focusing, and I was so close to climaxing several times, but I couldn’t. I must have felt too pressured. After a while he did indeed give up, I was discouraging towards him, and eventually he gave in. It upset me as I really need him to insist and make me feel secure that he is going to keep going, so I don’t lie there worrying that he’ll get too tired any moment, and that he will quit. So we had to talk and get through it together and talk through my insecurities. It was good, and although along the way we both got defensive and said silly things, we got to a good point and I felt a hell of a lot better.

Today I was working and got home late, and we grabbed our list and went out to the local Safeway store to buy all the food we need for tomorrow, as you all know, IT’S THANKSGIVING TOMORROW! WHoop whoop!

We ran around the store with a camcorder and recorded the whole silly shopping spree, as it is our first Thanksgiving as a married couple, together on the ACTUAL thanksgiving day, and we are going the whole nine yards cooking a whooole turkey, just for the two of us ha ha. We are going to make it a special celebration/date night as we are not going to be able to spend Christmas eve or day together, as he is working.  So this is how it goes,  Me; we HAVE to get free range. Him: But this one is cheaper, and it MIGHT be free range. Me: Then why wouldn’t it say free range? Him: we don’t even know if it really is proper free range. They throw that term around nowadays. Me: Come on, just  a few dollars difference between TORTURE and running around a little in a slightly bigger cage!

Somehow we ended up with the non free range turkey. Selfishly I’ll try not to worry about that tomorrow as I stuff my face with delicious turkey and stuffing and all the rest. Happy thanksgiving tomorrow everybody! 😊

Emojis and Awards

❤ I am loving this new Emoji thing that WP has put in. I know they can be annoying, but they can also be a lot of fun! Sometimes me and my husband write whole messages in just emojis, and it’s fun putting it together! 😄

Anywho,bad-girls-button-2

I was awarded this BAD GIRL award from my awesome WP-friend Dawn D, who is such a great blogger AND commenter that I was indeed ( and I REALLY mean this) honored and Surprised to get this nomination/award. Like her, I am not used to this stuff as I am new to WordPress, and as I am sure it is against the rules to give an award back, I can’t help but give it right back to her, as she is one of the first bloggers I was captured by.

So before I put down the rules and the other nominees, here is my little piece about Dawn;

Dawn writes poems, Dawn writes thoughts

She makes me cry, she makes me smile

She reads my posts, and comments very thoughtfully

Dawn is a sexy beautiful person, who is blooming into herself

and we are lucky enough to READ her journey, right here on WordPress!

So here are the rules; If you are a recipient, please choose 3-5 female bloggers who write about sex (or post sexy pics of them selves, or both) that you admire and award them by passing on the award photo below and the rules.  Also, give a brief explanation of why you love those bloggers so much.  Be sure to notify your favorite bloggers that they got the award!

I know two of my nominees, including Dawn have already been nominated, but I still had to re-nominate ‘Tis, who I really like, and as I am not as active on WP as I wish I was, The few great ladies I read enough of, have of course already been given the honor. But still, I am nominating her. I love reading about her life, in her successful yet challenging marriage, I love her writing and occasional fun short quote posts. Check her out! 🌸

http://tispersonal.wordpress.com/

Then, this is a Couple more than just a bad girl, this is a naughty and heartfelt couple, who are so inspiring to read about, Mr. and Mrs. Warm Creme, their passion and love is so amazing, and they are thoughtful commenters too. I guess I shall play by the rules and nominate Mrs. Warm Creme, aka. Savannah Carrier:http://warmcremeblog.wordpress.com/author/savannahcarrier/

But please check out both of their writing here. 👫

Anywho, THANKS for reading! Thank you for commenting, I love it, And I am sorry that I am so sporadic. But that’s life eh? Some times you have more time to have fun and buzz around on the internet, and other times you are so busy with work and your real life social life. Both are great! And I am happy! 😍 And really honored to be nominated for this award. I will keep being a “Bad girl” and write my naughty thoughts.

Bad girl

The other day I was honored and thrilled to have received a nomination from one of the most amazing female blog friends I have here, and one of the most thoughtful commentators out there, dawn from http://dawnsnight.wordpress.com/ for the ‘Bad girl awards’ and I was SO HAPPY!

I have However been a bad girl and a bad blogger As this week has been filled with business and family events, good and bad. I need to get on this award thing as I am so happy and excited about it!

Hope you’ve All had a good week, and let’s start another one, as a clean slate, a fresh start, a new chance to do things better! 🙂 I will get to the ward blog ASAP! 🙂