And here it is… finally. After all this time, after I’ve felt him judging me silently, after he has mentioned during every argument that I am not “busy” enough.. he called me lazy.
I am so angry. It makes me want to tear up his stuff and leave. Go home to my family.
Right before Christmas a family member died, and my closest family are all grieving. I am not there. I won’t be there for them, I wasn’t there to help out in Christmas, to help out prepare for the funeral, and I wont be there for the funeral. Not having been there I’ve been okay, but sad and guilty thinking about them. Arguments with him makes this harder to accept. It makes me think of the D word. A LOT.
Why is it I always have to prove myself to him? He has never had to prove himself to me? He does say, “I know I’m not perfect.. but..” Fuck off! Honestly! GO FUCK YOURSELF ON YOUR FUCKING HIGH HORSE! Jesus. I’m so mad at him. I texted him at work. I know I shouldn’t have. But I was so mad I couldn’t control myself. Fuck. He thinks I’m weak. He thinks I’m lazy. Too sensitive. That I don’t pull my weight around the house. Ha ha ah ha. OOohhhh about time we get a new couples counsellor .
Why do I CARE? Because I love him madly. If I didn’t I wouldn’t put up with this SHIT. If we weren’t married, I would have left long ago. That might sound bad but Its probably true.
Sure, I’ve been ill for three weeks, it’s been tough. And it’s not very attractive, being full of mucus, phlegm and constantly coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose.
My husband and I have had a great christmas. But the result of me being sick is that we haven’t had sex more than two times in three weeks! AAAAAHHHHHHH
It’s hard. I have been so tired and groggy that I have rejected him over and over, and when I feel good, he’s not in the mood. So it’s unlucky, but it still sucks.
The two times we DID have sex, oohhh one of them was soo good… We did a naughty fantasy situation one. Taboo…! Ohh yeah. Anyway, we both agreed we were gonna do it more, as we felt that we needed to remember how good it was, and that it was worth the “hard work” and we only remember that when we do it.
It also makes me feel a hell of a lot better of course. You don’t exactly feel attractive walking around like a pyjama clad mucus ball with no makeup and straggly hair. Yeah so I let myself go a bit. Ha ha ha.
Are we still married..?
I don’t know what to say… I haven’t posted, interacted or even looked at this space for a year. And I’ve been thinking about it, worrying about it, feeling guilty about it… But it just hasn’t happened. The longer I waited, the harder it was.
I don’t care anymore. I will write, when I can. And when I want to. And I am sorry to the community that I used to follow and interact with, I have missed you, and I hope you are okay!
Since last year a lot has happened, Most importantly we have moved, to California, and I am a lot happier here. We have a bigger home, and we are doing better all round, but of course there are still ups and downs, and sometimes It is really REALLY hard.
But it is almost Christmas, and I am so excited! I hope you are too, we are celebrating it together, our stockings are filled to the brim, presents bought, Christmas tree up and everything is ready. And most importantly, WE ARE STILL MARRIED! Yaaaaaaay