Marriage councelling calms the storm

THIS IS THE POST I STARTED WRITING LAST WEEK THAT WASN’T SAVED…

 

Today I woke up from the outrageously loud construction from outside our building. (ARE WE REALLY PAYING A FULL MONTHS RENT !?) It has been going on every few days for a month now, and is SO annoying. I couldn’t get to sleep for a looong ass time, and I didn’t need to be woken up like that.

However, no nightmares. I was calm. Put on a bit of BBC’s old fashioned Crime series, while waking up for email checks etc. Hearing the English accents and seeing the countryside makes me feel good, and as I checked my emails, I was delighted to find that my job that I’ve had in the fire a long time, the one that has been really unsure has come through! Ahhhh Im gonna make money!!! I was so happy! I texted my husband as he was already in school and he sent supportive messages. I sent out receipts, made some calls, emailed here and there, did some paperwork and lesson plans, feeling good. Finally being able to do those things I tried to do yesterday but couldn’t because I was retardedly (sorry if this word offends someone) dysfunctional, practically speaking.

I felt better about my niece. I know her. She is strong. She is tough. She has survived so far. I felt more rational. As the husband came home, sweaty and wet from cycling home in the rain, grumpy as he didn’t want to shuffle off again right away to our marriage counseling, and his belly growling from hunger, I immediately got stressed out by his vibes, and although he didn’t say anything bad, his mood still affects me. Less now than it did when I first moved in, but I know how to avoid it getting worse, by shutting up, and making sure I am out of his way. We shuffle out, go downstairs, and meet our housing manager. He stops to talk to us about this recent ‘event’ that happened between me and my neighbor. This is what happened.

I had my sister in law and baby nephew visiting and our neighbors, that moved in a month ago, replacing a drug addict couple that fought ALL the time, were, GUESS WHAT, – fighting. As I said bye to them in the hallway, my sister in law told me to call the housing manager or the police, their door was cracked open and it was loud. It sounded like he was slapping her. They left and I decided, NO, I haven’t met them yet, and I feel like giving anyone a fair chance, I’ll knock on their door, introduce myself, and politely say that they were being quite loud.

THIS IS WHERE EVERYTHING WAS DELETED SO – LUCKILY FOR YOU, I AM TOO LAZY TO WRITE ALL OF IT, AND WILL SUMMARIZE IT. SEEING NOW HOW LONG THIS POST ALREADY IS, MAYBE IT WAS ALL FOR THE BEST… HA HA HA.

The neighbor came out and was pretty grumpy, he was LITERALLY wearing a wife-beater (those white tank-tops) and he listened to what I had to say quietly with a “What the fuck” expression, and as he didn’t say anything I kept going.. Then he shouted inside to his wife, ” Our neighbor want’s to know what we are doing in here!” I said quickly “No, no! That’s not what I meant, I just wanted to…” And before I could say anything else, ALL sorts of typical women-bashing profanity was thrown in my face, Which in itself was disturbing, but then he said something RACIST, YES one can be racist against white people, and that’s what happened to me, and THIS was what made me go INSANE. Well, quietly and rationally so… I tried to explain over and over, as the wife came out and asked me what was the problem, if the TV was too loud, She was holding him back as he was verbally attacking me. I told them that I would call the housing manager, and he shouted to “Go fucking call the manager then!” And I did. Our lazy shitty manager was somewhere else, but said he would be back in 30 min. He never came. I locked my door and sat there and texted my husband all night…

On our way to the Counselor, we met the housing manager and it had been over a week, and he had said this and that to me, my husband and sister-in-law on different occasions, and to them he had even said that the guy was going to apologize within two weeks.. Which is weird… within two weeks? Okay… but then we met him, and he made us late for our appointment as he is so slow at getting to the point, which was; The guy was NOT going to apologize, because he HADN’T shouted at me, and I had knocked on THEIR door. This infuriated me, AS IF I would get away with saying something RACIST towards ANYONE WHO ISN’T WHITE, in this case, this oriental guy, this piece of shit, had just gotten away with it, no problem. YEAH, next time I will call the cops. ARRGHHHH…. Fury bubbling through me as we discussed it with the counselor. But it helped to talk about it.

AND THAT IS HOW SHE CALMED THE STORM… Ha ha. Sorry about this. Any thoughts on this neighbor attack!? Was I ludicrously naive to introduce myself to a new neighbor who did indeed sound from the outside like he was under the influence? Should I put down my refusal to be the kind of human being that WANTS to make things work between HUMANS, by conversing face to face, interacting and being a NEIGHBOR!?

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10 thoughts on “Marriage councelling calms the storm

  1. LW,

    First off, let me just say how good it is to have you back among the living. 😉 I am so glad that you are feeling better.

    Secondly, after you lost this post, everything from you appeared to go silent (the illness) and I was wondering if you simply gave up on WP, taking your toys and headed for a new playground. I am not happy that you were sick, but I am happy that you were “just” sick. Apologies to you for making no sense at all with that comment. I am in a rambling mood, as you can see.

    Regarding the neighbor. Welcome to the wonderful world of modern living in a cramped society. Situations like these are what makes my goal of living in a remote location where the nearest human neighbor is at least a mile away. Add to that possessing the ability to hunt deer or elk from the front porch and have clear fields of fire for any approaching jackasses and I will be happy. Sadly, my wife is a city girl and prefers to reside within the confines of the grid. It seems that we are opposites, but it truly works.

    A word of caution from someone who spent a few years in (military) law enforcement (with family members who are/were police officers)…getting into a potential DV situation is probably the most dangerous and risky actions that you can take. Regardless of how you approach the two involved parties, neither of them wants the interference. Police officers are trained to handle them and even then, things can go very bad, very fast (one of my friends lost his best friend when they were responding to a DV call and the husband shot them both). The wife in that situation had been severely beaten and even SHE attacked the officers! Next time, PLEASE stay away from that and call the police. Don’t hesitate. Just call. When the police arrive, keep your door closed.

    Your kindness and considerate heart is wonderful but this situations are just too unpredictable. Do as I say and not as I do. I am very good with weapons and have been trained for close-in situations. I have also been trained in neutralizing belligerents with non-lethal force. I say this because if I did see a physical violent event, I would risk my life to put a stop to it. But for screaming and shouting, 911 is very easy to dial.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I wish I was trained too. That piece of Shhhhhhh. But yes. I would of course NEVER knock on their door again. I initially wanted to, and I am afraid I might take the chance again in the future with new neighbors. I felt relatively safe as we are in the same building and my door was really close by.

      But yeah… I might have to reevaluate. IT IS SO AGGRAVATING. I’ve lived in London and Los Angeles, and I haven’t had that bad an experience with a neighbor before. Anywho…
      Thanks for the great response. I did not take my toys and move to another playground 😉
      And I am sorry about your friend. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I lived in SoCal for five years in the 1980s and even then, it wasn’t a safe place to live.

    Are you an ex-pat from the UK?

    My buddy has been back on the job (following nearly 9 months of recovery and rehab). The other officer’s death still affects him, not surprisingly.

    Please be careful. Even though you are not planning any future encounters, you did turn the spotlight on yourself, if only for a moment.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. That is a very good question at the end of your post. I have chosen the route of not really initiating contact with neighbours. I’ve had a lot of really bad luck with them where I am, even mowing the lawn on a Saturday afternoon will get me cursed at. I no longer have a glass half full view of neighbours, more like, what fucking glass? Sad but true!

    So unless someone makes the effort with me first to be civil, I just keep calm and ignore on.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pfff! I finally make my way here again, for something completely unrelated, and realise I didn’t comment on this. Me, not comment on a post? I had to do something about it!!

    First off, let me say CONGRATULATIONS! I’m so happy for you that your job came through!
    I must say I was like Mr WC, a bit worried that WP had irritated you so much you had given up. Then also imagining maybe something had gone wrong at home with your niece and you were on your way.

    Now, about the Domestic Violence and the ensuing abuse towards you… No, you don’t have to give up your faith in humanity just yet. Though I agree with Mr WC, I wouldn’t go back there and if abuse starts again, I’d call the police. Though now that you’ve shown your face to them, you may be targeted if the police comes “I KNOW it must be the neighbour who called them!” type of thoughts.
    I want to offer a different take on this interaction though. You are right, calling the cops on them as a first interaction was probably not the best way to make friends. But trying to talk to someone who is in a fit of rage is probably not very productive either. You sound like you genuinely want the world to be a better place, which is very commendable, but you may still have some work to do on timing your interactions… I’m sure your counselor has explained to you that trying to reason with someone who is enraged is not going to take you very far.
    A better approach may have been to talk to them at a different time (provided you weren’t worried for the woman’s life), when both were calm. And possibly talk to them separately.
    This said, as Mr WC said, cops are trained to handle this. You are not. So if you get to be involved in something similar again… don’t be a hero!

    Right. Now, let me say that I once was in a similar situation as you. Neighbours were so loud, I was pretty sure he was beating her. But I wasn’t sure exactly which neighbour it was, and I was 7 months pregnant… so I didn’t do anything but feel bad about the fact I wasn’t doing anything. To this day, more than 10 years later, I still think of this poor woman… 😦

    And finally… That manager of yours is a @$%*#% ! That’s it!!

    😀
    Big hugs

    Like

    • THanks, our manager IS a @$%*#% !
      And yeah, I guess what I can take away from this, IS, – don’t be a hero! Ha ha ha.

      I was almost worried you didn’t want to comment on my blog anymore, for some reason.. maybe my posts were getting too boring or something. 😉

      But I will say this, NEXT TIME, somewhere else, with a new neighbor. I must admit that if our new neighbors are being loud; TV/MUSIC/PARTY/SHOUTING, I will go personally and complain in a friendly way, in hopes of “making the world a better place” as you called it. but NOT if I hear domestic violence going on. I WILL CALL THE POLICE.

      By the way, my husband and I just did a march through town with 1000’s of other men’ for ‘Men against violence against women’ 🙂 I will NOT be silent if I hear it, (but probably if I was pregnant… – i totally get that Dawn..!) xx

      Like

      • Oh please, don’t be silly!
        Me not wanting to comment on your blog? I cannot see a valid reason for that!
        It’s more a matter of me being totally swamped (by my own doing) between writing poetry and replying to comments and… dealing with my sometimes not so great emotional state as yesterday 🙂

        I used to be a serial commenter, commenting on almost every post I read, but I’ve started to follow too many blogs (all by lovely people who write interesting stuff!)… and I usually read posts, and if I want to write a thoughtful reply, I may think: I’ll come back to this when I have more time… and forget to come back to it!

        You’re new to blogging and will realise that there are lots of waves of people coming and going all the time, for all sorts of reasons relating to their own lives rather than what you write…
        For instance, Nick hadn’t commented for months before you engaged him about the weather in England! 🙂

        Usually, when I throw a party, I try to invite the neighbours. If they come, great, if they don’t, at least they are aware there is a party going on and are less likely to complain if it’s not a weekly thing.

        I think the best thing would be to go and meet the neighbours BEFORE any reason for complaining happens. People are always more likely to be friendly if there is a ‘relationship’ of sorts going on already. It’s then easier for them to take your complaint in a friendly way.
        One simple way is to throw a housewarming party (maybe by the pool?) and invite them. That way you’re not letting anyone into your home, but you still get to meet people in your complex…

        But yes, DV? Call the police.
        And yeah for you doing that march! My ex would not have come with me. He would run plenty of races every year, but just never really bothered to figure out what they were for. I once did a march with a friend. Because I wanted to say I am against violence against women… and to support a friend for whom it was very important (her sister got raped on the other side of the world, she felt this was a small way in which she could feel like she was doing something about it, showing support). She was very overweight, so between the emotional challenge and the physical one, she needed the support to finish the race. I’m happy to report we did it 🙂

        As for being silent if you hear abuse… I think me being pregnant was only part of it. You have to remember that I was suffering abuse too, even if not physical. It was easy to dismiss what I thought I heard as ‘just my imagination’. I think my ex encuoraged me to forget about it, making it about me being inadequate once more.

        Sigh!
        I’m glad to be out!! 🙂

        xo

        Liked by 1 person

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