Why does money have to be so…

A lovely couple gave us some real good advice, over six months ago, before we got married… One of the biggest issues that come up in a marriage is; finance. “Have finance meetings.” They told us, “Talk about it, communicate positively about it, iron out your issues and plan things out together.” We’ve been okay with finance, we’ve had a few meetings, and things have been OK. I haven’t been able to work, since I just got to the states. I got my work authorization card in late august, and it’s now October, and I still haven’t managed to get a solid, job. Nothing that is signed, sealed, delivered… I’m waiting, and being as proactive as I can without pushing too hard. It’s a small community and I don’t want to ruin my reputation.

We had to take out a $1000 from our savings this month to pay our bills, and there are still things coming at me that has to be paid. I’ve paid all my own major bills such as student loan with my own money that I got from tax return etc. But I initiated having this meeting so we could update each other, I could tell him where I am at so that he knows what I am doing towards work, and he could tell me his concerns.

The meeting was running smoothly, as in I was talking and calculating estimated income from the two jobs I have lined up, which are still not solid. And he was looking at pictures on instagram, videos, reading stuff from his phone, joking and responding. He was listening, but I didn’t feel that he had that much to say. As I encouraged him to say something he said he was fine, and I told him how good he had done these six months taking care of the both of us. All of a sudden things turned around a little, and he started saying that our plans to move to Los Angeles next June isn’t going to happen if I don’t save around $700 a month, and that he likes to live comfortably, and that he doesn’t like working this hard without anything to show for it… All in a jumbled order and out of nowhere. All of a sudden I was sitting there feeling stressed out and weird, and not understanding what was going on. It’s to boring to write down what happened and what we talked about and how we tried to turn the mood around… I just can’t be bothered to write it.

The point is, he is trying to cuddle and relax, after cutting me off trying to REALLY iron it out, so that I could feel a 100% better, understandably so as he has to get up and go to school and do an exam. He said that, went over to his computer and played a bit of fantasy football league. At first I thought he felt guilty, as he came over all cute and lovingly, then I realized he wanted to get laid. It wasn’t going to happen as I got my period today (which isn’t an issue really but I am in a lot of pain). He was trying to get my mind of things, and I said that I understand that he had to cut me off this time, but that instead of getting passive and turning around almost sleeping, that he could just try and work a little harder towards an end so that we could really sort things out before bed, for my sake, as I can’t really rest if it isn’t. He agreed and we were okay. But I’m still grumpy. I told him to just chill and watch TV or whatever that he shouldn’t worry I’ll try to get out of the funk myself. He didn’t say anything, but turned on the TV. And I’m like; :HEY! Say SOMETHING… say yes! or No! Or okay babe, that’s fine. Don’t just say nothing! Jeez. Then he said, “Yes. Ok. I don’t want you to get stressed. But I am going to rest now.” So I nodded satisfied and went over to my mac to write. Drown myself in this blog post and just get it out.

Why does money have to rule our lives? I think I am quite good at looking at money the way it should be. I’ve been really poor before, and I’ve been okay to the point where I could travel to a destination on the other side of the world and volunteer for charitable causes. And all of that, by myself, and the generous mother that I have, who allows me to creep back into my childhood bedroom when I need to save money. Now, I haven’t worked at all for six months and he is taking care of anything, so it would seem like a dick thing to do, to try and say; It’s just money. It’ll always come back, there will always be money coming and going. But life, is precious. And THAT’s what we should worry about, and work hard for. To be happy. And that working hard and having no money to “show for” as he says, is sometimes life! We are in our mid twenties, and people have mortgages and children, and we are OKAY! I can’t wait to work. So that when he keeps tabs on things, and hours and uses it as a weapon in an argument or as an excuse when he has behaved like a dick, I can prove him wrong. I would like to think that I wouldn’t guilt trip him if I was the one taking care of us. Which would be the situation I would prefer. He is supportive, he SAYS he likes taking care of me. But again, he DOES mention those things and THOSE words are what makes me UNABLE to live the “good life” of not working and doing whatever I want to do in the day.

GIVE ME MONEY! Please! So I can throw it at him, pay my bills and just LIVE LIFE. 😦

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10 thoughts on “Why does money have to be so…

  1. I think so many married people will say that money and finances are always one of the biggest sources of strife in a marriage. I believe that is only partly true. Having money does make life a little easier, but it is not a source of happiness. It’s the communication surrounding the money and finances that causes the most strife. I believe a couple must be open, discuss priorities and have common priorities and goals. When those differ, problems arise. We tend to have expectations or ideas about money and the way our finances should work in our heads and assume that the other person understands. We may even try to explain those. But, often times, it’s the gaps or fill-in information that causes the most issues. The assumptions we make about our understanding of one another.

    I’ve been married 21 years. I’m no expert, but I know there were times when we had more expendable cash flow than we do now and were much less happy. Much less. Our communication has made all the difference.

    Best of luck,
    Kay

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    • I think you pretty much summed up EXACTLY what I wanted to say in this post, but worded and phrased it So much better..! Ha ha. I totally agree! And I hope we can develop a good communication around it. Because we do want the same things when it comes down to it. Thank you so much! Reading your response makes me realize once again how important this issue is, and how it can be done better. 🙂 And by the way, I just crawled over and said I was sorry. And snuggled the shit out of him. He is snoring happily now.. 🙂 We will be okay with money! We just need to communicate like you guys.

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  2. What she said ^^
    Honestly, I’ve lived for more than 15 years without having to count. I was never one to throw money away, but I also wanted to live, and to me that included helping others and my community.
    Like you, I couldn’t easily work for most of our married life (work permits didn’t exist at first, and finding a company ready to hire you and pay for your visa wasn’t easy, and the energy needed to look for work when you also had young children just didn’t seem to be worth the trouble).
    But, like you, my husband and I had differing views on finances. I had been poor, I could satisfy myself with less and still feel as if I was rich. He felt that if he wasn’t accumulating money, he wasn’t doing well.
    We never managed to talk about money seriously. Every time I tried to explain that I was tired of always having to justify my expenses to him, that I wanted a personal account so that I could spend what I wanted, how I wanted without having to be told off because I bought a $2 utensil for the kitchen that he didn’t see the point of. Or clothes, or anything that struck my fancy. He couldn’t let go of this, was too controlling of that. And then would complain that I stopped making big purchases, like beds for the kids. He didn’t have time, wsa tired from working. But if I bought something, it was never what I should have bought. If I found something inexpensive, it was poor quality and would break in no time, bad value for money. If I gave out a bit more, it was me dishing out HIS hard earned money.
    I felt I could never do anything right and stopped even trying. You know where we stand now, in the middle of a messy divorce, where he tries to withhold money to starve me, to show me that without him, his “guidance” and hard work, I’m nothing, refusing to see that, moving every 2 to 6 years with children meant that it was quite difficult for me to have a career and thus reasonable wages now. I did work in almost all of our postings, but it was always considered like pocket money and my job always had to give when he decided it was time to take a holiday. Who cared if I had something urgent or important coming up? It didn’t matter!
    I’m not saying that your spouse is like mine. I’m just sharing my story so that you know what to look out for. My advice is: always keep a savings account with your name on it, no matter whether it’s more expensive to close two accounts when moving or if it’s easier to have just the one joint account.
    And beware that he understands that whatever you do for the family is worth something, even if it isn’t paid yet.
    As you so rightfully said, there is no way you can just enjoy the time that you have now if he keeps shoving in your face that HE is the one bringing the money home, as if he were resenting you for that fact. Even if you would really like to work and are trying to make it happen, you’re still entitled to enjoy life at any given moment. Including when you cannot chip into the family’s finances.
    Good luck with figuring that one out.
    It’s not the amount of money you have, it’s how free you feel from being dependent from your spouse, or how much of a team you feel when trying to work it out.

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    • Dawn, your feedback is so valuable to me! Thank you for sharing so much from your story, and this is EXACTLY what I want to avoid. My husband too, his heart is of gold, and he has taken care of me really well with his hard work, but we do think of things differently and he DOES use it against me sometimes even though he doesn’t mean to. We need to work on this, to avoid what happened to you. And YES! I will take your advice 😉 I still have my account open from home, there’s not much in it, but I’m the only one who controls it.

      – I am so glad our family friends gave us the finance advice, because I can honestly say that naively enough I NEVER would have guessed!

      Liked by 1 person

      • My Mom tried to warn me. And my ex may not have had such a heart of gold. Or maybe he really needed to be controlling. So every time I asked about the finances, I only got vague answers. And in the end, his accounts got filled more than mine… which will make for a more difficult divorce…

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      • Yes, you are right. I feel much richer than I’ve ever felt with him. Because he needs to give a financial value to everything and because of that made me feel worthless for not bringing money home. Or because the money I brought was nothing compared to his.
        And he hasn’t changed. He constantly lives in the future, instead of living in the now.
        Though I must say, having to tell my kids “I cannpt buy this for you, I don’t have money”, that sucks. Especially since for all their lives, I’ve always been the one responsible for buying them everything. But they got it now. Too bad they had to go through that learning curve, but it’s an experience like any other 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah, well that will teach them to be more like you, to value it in it’s real value. I rarely got what I wanted as a kid, so I wasn’t spoiled. I’m not an expert on money yet, but at least my relationship with it doesn’t rule my life. 🙂

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