Marriage councelling calms the storm

THIS IS THE POST I STARTED WRITING LAST WEEK THAT WASN’T SAVED…

 

Today I woke up from the outrageously loud construction from outside our building. (ARE WE REALLY PAYING A FULL MONTHS RENT !?) It has been going on every few days for a month now, and is SO annoying. I couldn’t get to sleep for a looong ass time, and I didn’t need to be woken up like that.

However, no nightmares. I was calm. Put on a bit of BBC’s old fashioned Crime series, while waking up for email checks etc. Hearing the English accents and seeing the countryside makes me feel good, and as I checked my emails, I was delighted to find that my job that I’ve had in the fire a long time, the one that has been really unsure has come through! Ahhhh Im gonna make money!!! I was so happy! I texted my husband as he was already in school and he sent supportive messages. I sent out receipts, made some calls, emailed here and there, did some paperwork and lesson plans, feeling good. Finally being able to do those things I tried to do yesterday but couldn’t because I was retardedly (sorry if this word offends someone) dysfunctional, practically speaking.

I felt better about my niece. I know her. She is strong. She is tough. She has survived so far. I felt more rational. As the husband came home, sweaty and wet from cycling home in the rain, grumpy as he didn’t want to shuffle off again right away to our marriage counseling, and his belly growling from hunger, I immediately got stressed out by his vibes, and although he didn’t say anything bad, his mood still affects me. Less now than it did when I first moved in, but I know how to avoid it getting worse, by shutting up, and making sure I am out of his way. We shuffle out, go downstairs, and meet our housing manager. He stops to talk to us about this recent ‘event’ that happened between me and my neighbor. This is what happened.

I had my sister in law and baby nephew visiting and our neighbors, that moved in a month ago, replacing a drug addict couple that fought ALL the time, were, GUESS WHAT, – fighting. As I said bye to them in the hallway, my sister in law told me to call the housing manager or the police, their door was cracked open and it was loud. It sounded like he was slapping her. They left and I decided, NO, I haven’t met them yet, and I feel like giving anyone a fair chance, I’ll knock on their door, introduce myself, and politely say that they were being quite loud.

THIS IS WHERE EVERYTHING WAS DELETED SO – LUCKILY FOR YOU, I AM TOO LAZY TO WRITE ALL OF IT, AND WILL SUMMARIZE IT. SEEING NOW HOW LONG THIS POST ALREADY IS, MAYBE IT WAS ALL FOR THE BEST… HA HA HA.

The neighbor came out and was pretty grumpy, he was LITERALLY wearing a wife-beater (those white tank-tops) and he listened to what I had to say quietly with a “What the fuck” expression, and as he didn’t say anything I kept going.. Then he shouted inside to his wife, ” Our neighbor want’s to know what we are doing in here!” I said quickly “No, no! That’s not what I meant, I just wanted to…” And before I could say anything else, ALL sorts of typical women-bashing profanity was thrown in my face, Which in itself was disturbing, but then he said something RACIST, YES one can be racist against white people, and that’s what happened to me, and THIS was what made me go INSANE. Well, quietly and rationally so… I tried to explain over and over, as the wife came out and asked me what was the problem, if the TV was too loud, She was holding him back as he was verbally attacking me. I told them that I would call the housing manager, and he shouted to “Go fucking call the manager then!” And I did. Our lazy shitty manager was somewhere else, but said he would be back in 30 min. He never came. I locked my door and sat there and texted my husband all night…

On our way to the Counselor, we met the housing manager and it had been over a week, and he had said this and that to me, my husband and sister-in-law on different occasions, and to them he had even said that the guy was going to apologize within two weeks.. Which is weird… within two weeks? Okay… but then we met him, and he made us late for our appointment as he is so slow at getting to the point, which was; The guy was NOT going to apologize, because he HADN’T shouted at me, and I had knocked on THEIR door. This infuriated me, AS IF I would get away with saying something RACIST towards ANYONE WHO ISN’T WHITE, in this case, this oriental guy, this piece of shit, had just gotten away with it, no problem. YEAH, next time I will call the cops. ARRGHHHH…. Fury bubbling through me as we discussed it with the counselor. But it helped to talk about it.

AND THAT IS HOW SHE CALMED THE STORM… Ha ha. Sorry about this. Any thoughts on this neighbor attack!? Was I ludicrously naive to introduce myself to a new neighbor who did indeed sound from the outside like he was under the influence? Should I put down my refusal to be the kind of human being that WANTS to make things work between HUMANS, by conversing face to face, interacting and being a NEIGHBOR!?

Out of touch, stuck in bed.

Ahhhh… the terrible flu. 200369127-001 - Sick - Flu - ColdLaying uncomfortably in bed, tossing and turning in ones own sweat, not able to do what you need the most, sleep…

I’ve been sick for five days now, and counting, but feeling better, to the point where I am back to living my life… ha ha. I’ve literally been in bed, with a sore throat, a LOT of phlegm, a sore body, headaches, snotty nose, and all that shizzle. I was so uncomfortable for the first two days that I couldn’t really sleep very well.. It was horrible. I woke up constantly, and tossed and turned, but I am sooo much better now.

There is a huuuuge difference between being sick, able to stay home inside on a rainy autumn day, clasping a mug of a delicious hot beverage, snoozing away and watching TV. And Being that kind of sick that I was. UNCOMFORTABLE. PAIN. SORE. SNOTTY. Erghhhh blah..!

Wanted to write this rather disgusting update as I wanted all of my friends on here to know that I have not died or abandoned you, I’ve just been absolutely OUT OF IT. I’ll try and catch up on some of your posts. Hope you all are well! 🙂  Xx LW

On this side and on that side

My heart is on both sides of the earth

On one side of the planet, I wake up, after a long nightmare about my mother dying, about loosing all my possessions including my passport. I overslept, I had written the wrong time down on my calendar on my phone, so my husband wakes me with a stressed call from my sister in law. I scream as he startled me. I feel depressed. Then I remember with delight that we are going on a spa day,that my husband bought for us as a treat, a full package with a facial and all. I run downstairs and we get there 7 minutes late. The spa was a strange experience, I was sure I was being punk’d or something on a hidden camera because of the characters that were there. It was nice, and relaxing at times but, I didn’t expect to be doing crunches in the middle of a facial. As I sat in the waiting room afterwards, eating grapes and chilling out, I read a few messages from my mum.

On the other side of the planet, my niece has been institutionalized, my mother had waited with her for a really long time, not slept, my niece had finally gotten a place somewhere, but what shook me to my core was, it was the same hospital as my brother used to live in. The name of the hospital in itself, it affects me. The kids in my class teasing me, and singing that stupid song about it in primary school. The countless visitations there, that were both fun, and despairing. The celebration of Christmas at that institution. The constant fear that my brother would kill himself. And after over a decade, he killed himself. Now his daughter is there. After all she’s been through, Loosing her father, being sexually abused by her step father, and betrayed by her mother, she is now finally getting some help, 24/7 attention with professionals, in a safe atmosphere. I hope it’s okay, I hope she’ll feel better. I hope this isn’t one of those cases where there is no turning back. I’m scared. Again. I know it’s not all about me, this is about her, and her well being, and her improvement, but the fact that she is THERE made me feel worse. I am scared for her. Her being suicidal frightens me to the core. Loosing her.. she is so young, younger than me, smarter, brighter and more beautiful than me. She is better than me. But she was given the shortest straw. I have been lucky. I am frightened, worried and trauma from the past is threatening to come out through vomit, tears and hyper breathing. But I’m keeping calm. Calm.

Purr purr purr

catwoman

I am a Happy Kitty…

Days go by as I constantly work on creating work for myself, going on business meetings with potential clients, cook dinner for my husband, keep the apartment clean, go to classes, go to the gym and lay me down to watch me some movies and enjoy my opportune hours to choose to be lazy instead. I am getting better at laying around a little. I know that I am doing what I can to move things forward, so I don’t feel like I am wasting time or being lazy, and my husband has been in a better mood lately, and supported me in my failures, and cheered me on when I work towards something. I know it’s a 50/50 – Me allowing myself to treat myself (WHILE I CAN) and HIM being supportive and not giving me a jealous and slightly bitter attitude when I have had a nice relaxing day. This enables me to enjoy myself more and not be bitter either, when I do all the wifey housework things that was my nightmare to end up doing ever since I was a little girl, but I’ll do it for HIM. Because I love him, and I want to make things easier for him. That is kind of my contribution as I am not really contributing evenly financially.

Making him a packed lunch for him to pick up after school before work, keep the house clean and tidy so he can come home feeling relaxed and space out in peace. Cook him dinner to come home to at night after a 12 hour long day. Rub his back and sometimes his feet when he is exhausted. Give him a blow job before work, or before school to perk him up. Send him some lovely texts during the day that require no answer. Understanding that some nights after a whole day of school and work, and us not having seen each other, that he’ll not want to hang out, only some sex and cuddling, silence, and leaving him to do his own things, homework, Fantasy football, reading the news, masturbating, playing madden. Some HIM time. Keeping myself busy and happy, so he doesn’t have to worry about entertaining me .

It has gotten a lot better, in the beginning we had been apart in a long distance relationship for almost a year, not seeing each other in the Flesh – at all. Meaning NO SEX for either of us for that whole time, and communicating only via post, email, skype and texts. Our love lasted and grew stronger, and when I finally got here through an excruciating process, leaving my familiar and beloved Europe behind, my family, friends and my plans. For HIM. I wanted every second of the day with him, I wanted to squeeze every second for all the romance and intensity I could get, that I had longed for, that I had waited for. But it didn’t take long for him to start needing more space for himself, which broke my heart. It was a disappointment. I started doubting us. Yeah yeah, people are different, but I think that when you really love someone you’ll want to be with them all the time..bla bla bla…. but after a while, some passionate arguments, fights, I learned and came to accept that we are different, and love each other the same, on the same level, but a little differently. And He didn’t ask for much. He needed to get used to me too, having me there all the time, and me to him, our mood-swings, habits, buttons and laundry detergent. And we did. We do spend a hell of a lot of time together. He always chooses me. Hang out with friends, go out, stay behind at work with his coworkers drinking, -no. He comes home. To me. Cycles happily with the helmet I insisted he’d buy and wear, that makes him look like an idiot. To see, me. To hold me. And THAT’s what I want. It makes me purr.

I am glad and willing to push him out the door to hang out with friends more, and he is so positively surprised when I do. Of course!! Friends are so important. He doesn’t have friends on the level I do, not here, he’s not like me. But his buddies, are nice for him to have, so they can watch sports together and all those typical manly things. And the result is, which also pleases me, he misses me. And when he comes home he’s all over me. And I play casual and hard to get…ahhhh Im so in love! It’s sunday, and I am going to a party with some friends tonight. He’s been up since early this morning to catch every single football game. He’s exhausted from standing (!) in front of the TV, running back and forth to his fantasy football league on his computer all day. Now he’s snoozing away, and I look over at his chunky thighs and meaty buttocks… I love him. And he loves me. We are growing, we are learning, our love… is evolving. And as long as we are as passionate for each other as we are, because that is what this kitty needs, I will never give up.

I should have done the dishes right away

Another luxurious day of getting to do everything I want in my own time. But there is a downside. My husband fell asleep around eleven last night and headed to school this morning. I fell asleep around 5:30 in the morning after a night of worrying about a struggling family member back in home, (where I am not). I woke up at 1:30 pm, and my neck and back was aching. I sent a message to my husband wishing him to continue to have a good day. He responded nicely.

I got a call back from the clinic about my PAP smear and STD test and all is well. Although that blasted nurse needs to change her opening lines, because for a minute there I almost had a panic attack. I texted him that and I felt relief. I went for a swim in the pool, dried off and stretched out on the floor a bit, made his bed, made my bed and looked for his lunch box so I could prepare that for him, as he has a very short time (40 min.) between school and work. I couldn’t find the elastic band holding it together, so I didn’t prepare it. I thought that it wouldn’t be a big deal since he doesn’t expect me to do it. I saw the heap of dishes he had left from this morning and delayed doing it.

I went down got the mail, got another check from my prospected job, (teaching an after school class). I sent them a receipt and filed the check. I can’t use the checks until I’ve got enough applications, if I don’t reach the minimum of interested people, I’m going to have to refund them, so I am kind of nervous about that. My babysitting employer also texted me about a group childcare job, which I JUST missed out on, as the positions were filled really quickly. I felt bummed, and as my husband came home, I updated him.

He had found a Hydro Flask in the library that a guy had left behind, he was there for two hours and the guy never came back. He took it home. I said, dude, wasn’t there a lost and found? Couldn’t you have handed it in? ‘No there wasn’t a lost and found in the library’ But what about the campus somewhere, surely? When you left my glasses in the library someone had handed it in! “Yeah, but the guy didn’t seem to care about the bottle. He just left it there and never came back. He didn’t seem bothered with it.” I quickly gave up and just said, ‘you are hilarious’. Although I disagreed with his choice, But whatever.

He stood by the kitchen area and I said, “Oh I was going to make you lunch but I couldn’t find your elastic band” He found it really quickly and just left it on the counter, saying nothing. Then he started doing the dishes saying; “I’m going to make myself something to eat.” I could tell his mood was bad and I asked if he was ok. Yeah. Did I do something wrong? No. But he ‘wished that it would be available for him to cook’. So I quickly gathered that he was annoyed that I hadn’t done the dishes. I thought of offering to do them, and for him to do something else that he needed to, but I knew he would say no as he had already started. I just sat there a while, watching, feeling bad. Then I moved over to the couch and continued my research end emails.

After a while he said that he was going to get something to eat at work instead. I barely acknowledged him, and he left and we exchanged polite pleasantries. I held the door open for him as he left with his bicycle. I was angry. Way to make me feel inadequate! Jesus. Yeah he is stressed, and I could have made it easier for him by doing the dishes, but god dammit don’t give me that attitude! I’m not here to be your fucking cleaning lady! I HATE This ! I feel so unequal and shitty and I only made the beds and made things look neat so that he would be happy when he came home! I don’t CARE about those things, I’ll do it when I WANT to do it. I am doing this HIS way, (yeah they are more adult and organized) But it’s HIS way so that HE is more comfortable. I was pissed off for a while, and looked at my phone hoping he would send me an apology. Then I changed my mind and texted HIM an apology. Thinking, Don’t make it all about ME. I get to have a nice relaxing day alone, the only thing I really have to do is cook dinner for us.  I texted;

“I’m sorry if I made your transition bad. I’ll make sure to have the dishes done the next time. Hope you got fed well and are feeling better. And sorry that I didn’t see the elastic band. I promise to make you lunch tomorrow. x”

He hasn’t seen it yet. And I’m still feeling shitty THREE hours later. I need to get better at letting things go and enjoying myself. Heeeeeeeeeelp…

Perfection

I am following in Dawn D‘s footsteps and being inspired by OctPoWriMo, and today’s word was, PERFECT. These are the thoughts that were triggered for me.

I have met women, girls and cats, that I thought were close, to perfect.

My mother always said to me, that nobody is perfect, and the definition of perfect changes quickly, as quickly as a decade, sometimes only a year.

Therefore when I met the women, girls and cats, that I thought were close, to perfect,

I knew they really weren’t and somehow that made me smile.

When I was little, there was a girl in my class. All the boys saw her and all the girls loved her, and she was so pretty, sporty and smart, she always finished her math tasks first, and had lots of friends. I thought she must be perfect, since everybody wants to copy her, but I am not like her, not one little bit, then what am I, if that is perfection?

Imperfect.

When I became a young woman, I came to know a young woman, she was a year under me in school, and she was so perfect. Her short platinum blonde hair, perfect on her perfect head. Her stunning face, with light makeup, collar bones, glowing skin, womanly beautiful body. She was funny, talented and had a unique style, I was blown away, to the point of obsession, a girl crush, the wonder, how did she do it? Why was she this flawless? Everyday?

And what was I? Next to her?

Cats are so perfect, their bodies so strong, sleek and flexible, their faces are stunning and so god damned cute. They jump and stretch and purr when they’re happy and lay in the sun with a grin on their face.

I wish I was a cat.

But I knew all along, and I still know it true.

The little girl I once knew, She wasn’t perfect, she was spoiled, she manipulated, took advantage of her assets and hurt people’s feelings. It made her imperfect, it made her foul. And now she is plane, boring and uninteresting. Maybe she’ll learn, like I did.

The young woman I still know, she had her teeth done, the two corner teeth in her pearly white smile, were crooked and made her the most unique face ever. Now her teeth are straight, and her face slightly less interesting, I loved that “imperfection” but vanity got her. I know she’s not perfect, but she is a good person. The pressure of looking like this and that, it affects her, as much as it does me.

The cat, it is dead. It used it’s nine lives. It purred, jumped, screeched, scratched, played and made my life so good. But it’s gone now, his kidney failed him, and he had to go to sleep. But he reminds me of how someone, and something can be perfect to me, to you and to all.

Perfect is a vague word, it’s flawed and ever-changing. But it’s handy for a situation, a moment, a second,

when you’re truly happy, and all worries are gone, when someone looks indescribable, or it lands, hand in glove. Perfection, I’ve felt it, I’ve seen it, I’ve stroked it. But it never stays the same.

While he is sleeping

And when I am happy…

I watch him, laying on his side. his triangular upper body, his muscular arms, his buttocks like two bowling balls. His tree trunk thighs and nice chunky legs, his head with his beautiful hair. He breathes slowly, sturdy and silent.

When I am happy, and he is sleeping, I don’t mind being awake. When I am unhappy and he sleeps, I despise him out of envy. I want that peace, but now, I am glad, I want him to rest, because I am relaxing and breathing too, slowly, sturdy and silent.

It comforts him that I am up, Like a parent, staying up late. The TV is on and I do my work, and he wakes up occasionally, muttering loving phrases, “I love you, I do.” and, “Thank you, my love.” And I giggle, as he kicks with his feet, like a dog, when sleeping. It comforts me too, when I am happily sleeping, like a parent, watching over me, silently moving around and occasionally stroking me lovingly for a second or two.

When I am unhappy, and things are unsolved, I’m torn into pieces and pulling my hair, how can he sleep after things that were said? How is he not hearing my sniffles, my fast breathing and crying into my pillow. Why can’t I relax, and let him have it, let him have his rest. It isn’t his fault, and I wish I could do the same.

When he is sleeping… I get to watch the movies I want to watch, black and white movies, and romantic ones, stupid brainless stuff, and too brainy stuff. And as the most romantic lines are said, my eyes fill with tears and I look upon him, I have that, I have that love. Now, I will sleep too. ♥

Eye drops on my red eyes and rest for the mind

Are we still married?

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I woke up at my friends house way too early after a long night of fretting, crying and talking to my best friend from home on the phone. Viber is a great app. She had calmed me down a hell of a lot, and empathized with me and lulled me to sleep. I woke up with a knot in my stomach. It’s like my brain had been screwed on the whole time, I knew exactly where I was and what had happened as soon as I opened my eyes. I woke up to the sound of silent vibration, and I frantically checked my phone, hoping, terrified that it was him, my husband, saying something loving, instead of anyone else saying anything else.

I looked at my phone, and the breath was kicked out of me as I read messages from my husband; “Are you okay? I miss you.. Can you come home? Please..” “Are you up?” I answered right away, “Yes… I’ll come.” And I walked home in the scorching and bright morning sun, having left my friend a grateful note. I felt calmer, but still unsettled, a little angry. I knew I had acted wrongly, and that I needed to improve, after our little argument that just got out of hand, but I felt wronged too, threatened and exhausted.

As I finally walked through the door, I was instantly greeted by a very worried looking husband. He backed off tentatively as I took my shoes off and put my backpack down. I walked inside and got myself a glass of cold water. We looked at each other, and he said sorry. He hugged me, firmly, nervous and breathed slowly but heavily, while saying “I am so sorry” several times. I had forgotten my phone at my friends place, and I had an important day ahead of me, and I needed my phone, so after we had talked a little, he offered to cycle with me to my friends place, collect my phone and cycle home together for some more hours of sleep. We cycled quietly past the tourists, bright and happy on their way to the beach. When we came home, we were smiling, and carefully moving around each other not saying much.

We laid down on the bed together. He was mild, attentive, and so incredible like he always is when we make up. I hate that it takes something horrible like this to get him into this state. My eyes were Soooo red… Bloodshut, and my hair was frazzled and I was just emotionally and mentally drained. He was tired too, he hadn’t slept very well. I was glad I had left, because I slept a lot better than I would have in our apartment, listening to him snoring.. while I was heartbroken and petrified that we were heading towards a divorce.

I told him that he shouldn’t set conditions for our love, close couples living together argue..! That’s a fact! And in some periods, more than usual. And we are in our FIRST year of marriage, which is HARD. He agreed. I asked him if he truly felt those things he had said, “Maybe we aren’t right.” He said that he didn’t mean it, but he had learned the language from me. That in my scared worried thoughtless ramblings I had uttered similar words of doubt, and this had stuck in his brain. Like I mentioned after that argument in ‘Nighttime sexytime failure’ and discovering that he had used threatening language (“I thought I married a grown up, I didn’t sign up for this…) because I had uttered threatening words first. We agreed that we should be careful with those things, as they only make us less confident and secure with each other. And that we shouldn’t say it unless we REALLY meant it, and that meant that something drastic had to be done. He was very sorry. I had already apologized on the night for my stupid behavior, but what he wanted was a reaction from me that maybe made me realize that I had caused him a lot of stress too, with these night time arguments. (Although that is pretty much the only time we are together – with our schedule.) I asked him if he meant that it was ALL my fault for the arguments. He said “of course not.” And I felt a whole lot better.

We slept… woke up. Smiled at each other. And I just knew… things were okay, and I didn’t need to ponder on things… it is NOT the beginning of the end, we are together, and we are getting better, we are getting through those shitty fights NOW, learning.   – Are we still married? Yes.

Sleepless nights and red tired eyes

Last night we once again argued. It’s been more frequent than usual, and I know it irritates him. Me too, but I had a feeling he thinks that it’s my fault. And indeed, he confirmed last night after a silly little bicker session.

I am on the rag, and we haven’t had sex for four days now, and that SUCKS, for the both of us. He’s said that maybe he wouldn’t masturbate and take a break from it, which made me so happy as I felt like they made things more equal. I came home twenty minutes before him last night and he came in catching me trying to quickly make him a dinner. He was so happy and we were both happy. I went to the gym for an hour and came home around one at night, so he could play some Madden and fantasy football and be alone. I had said that I was maybe ‘wink wink’ going to “treat” him (Meaning blow job) as I felt that he deserved it, holding out. When I came home I started rubbing him down with baby oil, and I could instantly tell that his penis didn’t react as fast as usual. As I started putting it in my mouth and doing my thing, it slowly got harder, and I asked if he had been naughty while I was away. And he admitted that he had.

I just got so annoyed, I was exhausted, and I didn’t want to give him a fucking Blow job if he had already jerked off! It’s not like I was going to get laid or get any oral pleasure myself. So I said ‘forget about it,’ and went over to the water cooler to drink. And he understandably got kind of pissed off. He was all rolling his eyes and saying this and that, and I sat down and tried to explain. I am sorry I just don’t really fancy doing it right now, I could tell, it took longer, which means harder work for me! And he said that he couldn’t BELIEVE that he was frowned upon for masturbating. I tried to say that it’s not what I meant, It was the build up and the expectation and me giving him a treat, and me feeling like he ruined that somehow. And as we were talking I could feel closer to a solution, but then he uttered the words; “Here we are again… two o clock in the morning, having a fight.”

He was saying two different things, that he was okay and relaxed and he didn’t want to talk about it anymore, and on the other hand he said that it was ME who kept arguing at night, that he thought that I just got that way late at night, that I took things more personally. He basically implied that All the late night arguments were all my fault. I said that, well, this doesn’t make me feel very good, and I don’t think that’s true either. We are TWO human beings, it’s a two edged sword, but he insisted that it was me, it was my problem. This really upset me, and I threw the baby oil bottle hard into the floor in an angry outburst, quickly picked it up and brought it to the bathroom and sobbed. I got myself together, wiped off my face, came back out and apologized. “I’m sorry I overreacted about the masturbation, I am sorry we are arguing late at night again, and I am sorry that I threw the bottle.” He didn’t say anything. NOTHING. He turned on ’22 jump street’ just like planned. And I asked him to pause it after a while. He paused it and looked at me obliviously. ‘Do have anything to say yet?’ ‘Not now no.’ And he walked passively and annoyed over to the bed and put on his “Im so tired” face. And he said, “Well.. maybe we’re NOT right.”  (!!!!!!)

“I can’t go on like this, you are just bringing up these arguments late at night, all the time, it’s happening all the time. And it wears me down.” “It wears ME down too! I am exhausted! And it’s not just me!!! It’s a two way street.” “Yeah.. yeah.. OKay.” He said with an air of “whatever – sarcasm” I wanted to hit him. And my heart was sinking into my bowels as he had said that maybe we weren’t right for each other after all. What did that mean!? He was using threatening language again! And this is on NO way going to improve things using that kind of language. I remained calm and asked, what do you want to do now? And he said he didn’t know and rolled over. I was panicking. I told him that I was going to go for a walk, and I didn’t reach the bottom of our apartment building before I had made my mind up to go and stay with a friend, luckily she was awake. I went back in and started packing. I said that I was going to stay with my friend for tonight and come home the next day to get ready for my big audition. He asked me half-heartedly to stay, and I said that I wouldn’t be able to sleep after what he had said, and I didn’t want to stay here keeping him up. As I walked out the door and down the street, I was sobbing my heart out, wishing that he would come after me, stop me… Wandering, wondering, – is this the beginning of the end?