Here’s to six more months..!

Cheers-red-wine-closeup-anniversary- celebration - marriage- wedding16

Well, I can say happily that tonight was a success. Are we still married? Hell yes! Am I happy? Right now I really really am yes 🙂

I wore my favorite dress, (which he has never seen before), I bought him flowers and a card and candy. We took a cab to the restaurant he booked for us, a really nice fancy place. We had talked about our little nighttime sexytime failure argument after my class, and he apologized for having used “threatening” terms, such as ‘I thought I married an adult” And ‘What have I gotten into?’ and that he was sorry for having upset me. I apologized for overreacting, for acting immature, and for handling things badly. Basically, we sorted it out. And He did mention that I had indeed used similar “threatening” terms myself, when I have been angry, most recently during our Jealousy Silent war argument. This was good feedback, now I know how it feels to hear that, I am going to stop and think before I utter such words.

After our nice date we ventured home, after a long rather painful walk in heels and both feeling hot in the humid weather and super stuffed after all the food, I had encouraged him to sweep me right off to the bedroom for some nice sexy time – RIGHT away, as I was wearing MATCHING lingerie which I don’t do too often. We goofed it up the first round, I begged him to start again, and then we got it right! And we ended up playing this weird Milkman sex game and just having the best sex that we’ve had in a looong time, (from behind). I looked good in my lacy lingerie, and he looked so good in his ripped body, ahhh He’s so hot, and he made sure to please me to the T. It was perfect. And now we are eating ice cream.

Lucky me. Thanks SO much for the support!!! The comments, the likes, it makes me feel like I’m not entierly insane,  (althoug it might be insane to think that..) like I have someone understanding me, at least a little… Thank you!!! Xxx LW


Nighttime sexytime failure – update

Today is our 6 month wedding anniversary, and we are celebrating later. We’ve both been busy, but he is off for the rest of the day, and I am going to a class in 15 min. Then I am off too. I already know what t wear. My red laced dress, and he has booked a table at a fancy restaurant.

But i have a big lump in my belly as things seem to have taken a serious turn. He is concerned about last nights events. I overreacted. I walked out of the apartment to get some air crying, and as he told me t come back, I called him a dick. That is not adult behavior. And in his words, he thought he married an adult. And if this happens over and over, he will start thinking; what did i get myself into? He wants me to bring it up with the counselor. I am a bit flustered, as he used those words that feel pretty threatening to me, not to mention angry that he would say those things, as if he always acts like a grown up. I have numerous examples… I don’t know what to do. Now I have to go. Wish me luck..?

Nighttime sexytime failure

What a negative headline, you may think, and at the end of the post you may think that I Am indeed looking at the negative rather than all the positives. It has been a successful funday Sunday. And like a stupid joke, as the clock strikes twelve and Sunday turns to Monday, my luck turns too.

Are we still married? Yeah.

After a successful matinee show, having struggled through the whole play being sleepy and unfocused, I rejected my theater friends’ Sunday-traditional outing, wanting to go home, to rest and spend time with my husband. We immediately went grocery shopping, got dinner, watched our favorite shows and had a short but sweet sex session, before we pigged out some more with ice cream until we barely could move. The Sex, was good, but very very short, my husband tried to tease me for a little while which does indeed help me, it makes me wetter and it makes the first few minutes less painful. But I had an inkling that I wouldn’t get much out of it while we started as we were both in a lazy mood so I got my vibrator and had a nice quick orgasm while we were making out and I watched him touch himself. We then did a little bit of one of our fantasies, him being a young student and me his teacher, and yeah he played his role well as he came after a MINUTE. He wasn’t really holding back as I’m assuming he thought it was okay to cum early since I had already had my fix. He was a little embarrassed however and his teacher comforted him by saying; “That’s normal for young boys.. not to worry. And the good news is, your big cock will be ready to go again later..” And we snuggled and watched tv.

He fell asleep, and I was watching a movie, reading some blogs, then I got horny and thought I’d sneak over to his bed and wake him up pleasantly being naked and luring him into having sex with me. I’ve attempted this before ( four months ago) and it didn’t end very well. He was so sleepy and got grumpy and rejected me pretty harshly, and  I took it pretty badly. We have discussed it many times, and he insists that that wont happen again, and there is NO way he would reject me if he woke up with me blowing him in the middle of the night. And GOD knows how many times he has woken ME up when I was sleeping or Just about to sleep. But my attempt tonight AGAIN… failed. Miserably.

I started stroking him and he woke up, moved away and said I was so hot. I got a little upset but tried not to take it too seriously as he had insisted before that it would work. I try again, kissing hm and stroking, he turned around and made a grunt, ad I said “don’t you wanna cuddle?” and he replied; “No, Let me sleep.” And rolled over. I moved back over to the futon. After I had cried for a while, he asked is I was okay. I didn’t answer. He said it was nothing personal, and that he thought we should sleep as we have to get up early tomorrow. Yeah.. I have to get up at 6:30 and he has to get up at 11. And here I am. Quarter past one, writing.. while he is sleeping away.

A little Lonely

Kangaroo - Cuddly toy - stuffed animal - Teddy bear - Cute Kangaroo - sleeping

It’s been a little up and down this week, and last night I confronted my stressed out husband about how I’ve felt. He’s got exams coming up, and this is only his second week back in school. He hasn’t really been working as productively, I’ve noticed that too, he’s been juggling Work, School, Being a commissioner of a Fantasy football league, and Homework pretty well. But he isn’t really taking time to spend quality time with me. Because when he is done with all of this, he either needs to sleep, eat or take some ‘me time’. And to be honest, it has left me feeling quite lonely.

I’ve been quite busy too, and I feel like I’ve utilized that in the hours when we are sitting on our separate computers, and doing our own thing. I’ll be quiet, but occasionally comment or something or ask a question. And this is ALL fine really, but in addition to this, he is moody and impatient with me. I came home the other day from my first day at my new job, I had only worked four hours but I had gotten up early after little sleep, so I was tired but excited, and I had a show later that night at the theater. He asked me how it was, but kept zoning out and staring at the football game on TV as I was talking. After a while I made a joke about it and lied down to rest, and hoped that he would overcompensate and continue the conversation, or at least apologize. I fell asleep after a while.

As I was sleeping, I woke up needing some water, and I said that he didn’t need to keep Seinfeld on the TV, and I said he could change the channel. But He said it was okay as he knew I’d sleep better to this. – I have suffered a bit from insomnia and struggle to sleep without sound. Later I woke up again to the sound of fingers clicking a controller. He was playing Madden, and the TV is right next to the bed, so I woke up from that single sound, as it was solely that sound. I kept rolling around a bit, since the silence got my mind to race.. and I was plagued by the silence. I fell asleep, woke up, fell asleep, woke up. Then I said, thinking that he had kept the sound off, for my sake; “I’d actually prefer it if you had the sound on I think.” He just said yeah and kept playing. After a little while I added, “So What I am saying is, can you turn the sound on?” And he just mumbled annoyed back to me, and I rolled over. I woke up later after a SHITTY nap, and he was all huffing and puffing around, getting ready to go to the gym. Then he threw the remote control on to where I was lying, and I asked what was up.

He didn’t like how I had said to turn the sound up. And he thought that I was being inconsiderate. I said I thought he was inconsiderate when I came home and he didn’t listen to me. And he started ranting on about how busy he is, with homework, and that he needed to get on with his day, so I should take that into consideration and bla bla bla, and he had just woken up when I came home… (Like I had just then). As he came back from the gym later he wasn’t in much better of a mood. And we left each other in an unsettled mood when we went to work.

When I was in the theater getting ready to go onstage, he texted me; “I;m sorry babe, I’m stressed out about the exams, and I shouldn’t take it out on you. I’m just being grumpy today. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I accepted it and said we needed to talk it out later as I wasn’t happy and we needed a new strategy for his stress levels and for me to get some romance out of our mundane lives. The talk was long and it took us a while to get anywhere. I expressed how I felt a little like he wasn’t IN love with me. And that he didn’t give me the same focus as he does on everything else that he does so well, because around me he wants to shut down and just watch TV, like we are best buddies all the time. We talked through trying to give him more QUIET no TV time to study, and strategies for that. It was good.

Later as I was sleeping on the futon, (The bed has given me back problems,) and he was on the bed, he came over to me and spooned me for a Looong time, stroking my back and arms, holding me. He rarely does this, and when he does he doesn’t do it for long. He gets so hot so quickly, and he gets tired of stroking. I couldn’t believe it, AND we were watching a Holocaust movie which is my favorite genre. I thin sleeping in separate beds for a week also contributed to not feeling that closeness. I fell asleep before the movie was over…! (miracle) and I slept like a BABY!

If ANYONE has read ALL of this, then… thank you ! Well done.. haha. I bet it’s been boring and self-indulgent even. But if anyone take anything from this, or enjoying reading it in the slightest, Please comment! Let me know..! I would love some feedback. xxx LW

Today I want to thank him for…

My dear sweet husband, today I want to thank you for;

  • Thanking me for cooking you dinner
  • Asking me for permission to play Madden
  • Letting me listen to the WHOLE new U2 album out loud in the living room
  • Seducing me before sex
  • Great sex with naughty talk
  • Working hard and making a lot of money today
  • Discussing with me the opportunity for a possible new job, before making any desicions
  • Giving me compliments
  • Being positive to me skipping the gym today
  • Being in a great mood pretty much all day even though you Went to school and then straight to work

I’m so proud and grateful. Thank you.

LW xx

“one of us has to work”

It’s never nice to hear that.

No, after having my employment authorization card for a month, I still haven’t got a job. Although I have two very good opportunities up my sleeve.  I think I might have two well paid jobs soon, and I am very excited about it, so I don’t have to feel guilty and inadequate all the time.

Oh my husband has been super supportive, as he is studying and working as a server, and we are basically living off his tips, he is working very hard and doing very well. He didn’t however do all of this for ME. It’s not like I asked him to move his world and leave everyone behind and start over. It’s not like he has changed his life at ALL. He would be doing the exact same thing if i wasn’t here. Yeah, he could spend more of his hard earned money on more stuff from Amazon, but hey, he wouldn’t get laid every day and a Blow Job several times a week.

He will say, when I tell him that I feel guilty and stressed, that I shouldn’t think that way and that he doesn’t, but then when I am irritating him wanting some attention while he is sitting down with his Fantasy Football league, he’ll turn around and say; “I’m tired babe, One of us has to work.” I told him I didn’t like him saying that, but then he said; ” It’s true, and I want it to be acknowledged. I need you to respect that.”

Yeah, so I had a lazy day today, where I sat on the couch writing, researching and watching TV, masturbating now and then and having a jolly good time. But I also sold our cooler on Craigslist, got it picked up, and made cash, Cooked dinner and went to the gym. and I remarked on having a nice day off from the theater and it looking like he had a Pajama party all day, and his attitude changed as soon as I said that, and I KNOW that THAT was what made him say that. If I hadn’t said anything, which I did to show appreciation that I can do that, he never would have thought of it, and used that excuse. I do understand and respect if he is tired, and I would back off if he tells me that, but DON’T use that JOB argument.

And just as I wrote this, he asked if I was mad at him and I promptly and irritably replied yes, he came over, and I said that I understood that he is tired, and I can respect that and he can do what he wants, but don’t expect me to NOT feel guilty and stressed out when he uses that argument, he apologized and said it wasn’t really about me, but about him. We sorted it out quickly and sweetly… And Now I sit here smiling, beaming, watching him play Madden.

Tut tut

Are we still Married?

As an update to the lat post, – after crying and battling my thoughts, refusing to talk, to say anything at all, as I am always the one initiating “confrontation” or a talk-through after an argument or a tiff, I let it go, aaaaall night, and we fought a cold silent war all night, until he went to bed, not saying a single word.

I was sitting in the toilet CRYING at 3:30, and FINALLY after a looong time, he shouted at me from bed, and as I didn’t respond, he came into the bathroom and asked what was wrong. I asked him back. Then he said; ‘What do you think?’. As I said that I had no idea, he rolled his eyes and went back to bed. I followed and asked what was wrong. What had kept him silent since we checked out at Walmart, all the way home, all through making dinner, eating, me doing dishes, him watching movies, ignoring me until he went to bed? After HE had been impatient and kind of rude at Walmart?

‘I didn’t like the way you looked at those guys.’ I was shell shocked and confused, ‘What guys!?’ It was the black guys i mentioned in the last post that we had walked by and he had said ‘ Oh no.’ (we have this internal joke about black guys being attracted to me), and I teased him. REALLY?! All these hours of seeing me cry and being upset, ‘I thought you felt guilty.’ As I explained to him that I hadn’t looked at them at all and I didn’t remember how they looked even, I expressed that I didn’t feel sorry for him at all, and had he just told me this right away, HOURS ago, we could talk through it and made him feel better. Then had a nice night together. But NO, instead he behaved like a stubborn dick letting me cry in anguish.

Needless to say, he understood what he had done, and we kind of made up. This morning he texted me from school asking me if I forgive him. I said ‘Of course I do. Let’s just say I think you have some making up to do.’ And when I came home today he had bought me a water bottle just like I was looking at in Walmart, but a really nice expensive one. And he has been really lovely all day. He promised never to do that to me again.

Jealousy is something we have discussed for a very long time, and we are equally jealous of each other and we sometimes handle it badly, but I have always said that we just need to communicate about it. To tell each other when it happens, and how we feel, and be patient with each other. So his behavior was completely unjustified for many reasons.

Are we still married? Yes, yes we are.

Quiet monday

So… we are not talking now..? At all?

Today My husband went to school around noon, and I went to the beach with a good friend of mine, (a male friend) and had a blast catching up together, about life, ambitions, news, his girlfriend, my husband, all that stuff. I KNOW WHAT YOU MIGHT THINK, but NO, seriously, I am not one of those stupid women that THINK that they have a platonic friendship with a guy, who ACTUALLY would jump at the word ‘GO’ to bang you. I know those kind of guys, and I don’t entertain friendships with them now that I am married. My friend is a good buddy, and he isn’t like that. He respects our marriage, and we don’t fancy each other that way at all. That much was clear after we slept together that one time years ago, and never did it again. – We went for lunch and talked for a while more, then he drove me home and invited me and the husband to a game night down the street with some friends of ours.

I came home to my husband who hugged me and greeted me kind of nicely, but there was a sort of distance there, right from the start. We chatted while snuggling in bed, and I could tell that he was in that jealous grumpy mood, but nicely tried to remain neutral and relatively positive. Anyway, he politely rejected the game night offer, (like I knew he would) And we decided to go to Walmart to get some dinner and to look for a top mattress for our bed, as I’ve been sleeping really badly and had back problems and a stiff body. I also suggested to get me a water bottle, as the water in my plastic bottle got so hot at the beach today even though I kept it in the shade, in the bag, I was worried the plastic would kind of melt into the water etc. He was skeptical already then, and said, ‘Yeah if you think the juice is worth the squeeze’. At the moment he is the only one working, so I wanted his opinion, although I wasn’t planning on buying like a really expensive bottle.

We strolled to Walmart hand in hand, chatting away, but as soon as we entered the store, tension rose, as it usually does as he gets uncomfortable and very task focused. He is impatient, and hates when people are walking slowly in front of us. And he doesn’t like it when I don’t take the shopping seriously, and suggest things, and look at things that aren’t on the list. He stood for a while and looked at some different razors, picked one and got a shower sponge, we kept walking around a bit, I was teasing him a little, and stroking his back, which I know he likes. Then as I was talking away about stuff I could feel the interest decrease and the irritation building slightly, so I shut up for a while, until we got further into the store. He was trying to find mattresses, and on the way I sort of walked off towards this cool offer of painting stuff. As I could imagine he would think to himself ‘We are looking for a mattress for HER and she’s just flying around in lala land.’ I hurried and fount him. There were no cheap mattresses, but there was  a good foam one, which was like $113 , and I just saw his negative face, I was reading it and checking it out and he started waling. I said, ‘how much money do you want to spend on it?’ ‘Not that much money’. Then we kept walking towards the shelf with bottles. And as I spent kind of a while looking at the different types of bottles, none of them were exactly what I wanted, but they were like $7, and I’ve been drinking out of the same plastic smart water bottle for months, and even though I clean it it’s looking like shit. I asked him what he thought as he was standing there loosing his patience, ‘Which one should I get?’ ‘Well they don’t have the things that you said that you needed them for.’ I kept looking for a while, but I was getting stressed out feeling his eyes burning my neck, then I just said, let’s go. And put the bottles back. We paid, walked back home, cooked dinner, saying almost NOTHING, not asking one another what is the matter, I did all the dishes, he was laying on the couch watching tv, said nothing, and is still saying nothing.

Now he is brushing his teeth. I have a feeling that if I don’t say anything, LIKE I ALWAYS DO, nothing will be said, and he will soon lay down and say, ‘goodnight.’ And I will lay down to sleep later with fury in my belly.

What happened to Sunday Funday..?

We used to have ‘Sunday Funday’ together, where we would sleep in, do something in the day, buy dinner and snacks and shack up for the night and watch movies, or go to the cinema. Then I was cast in a play, and I had matinee performances on Sunday, and football came.

So my husband would get up at 7 in the morning, because we live in a place where that’s when the games begin, and I would sleep and get up at ten or eleven to get ready and cycle to the theater to do a show. Then I cycle home, games are all over, and my husband is sleeping. The first time it happened, he slept ALL. FUCKING. DAY. And NIGHT. And he had school the next morning at noon. So no date night, no time together, no nothing. We argued and eventually agreed about it, and the next weekend,

He got up at 7, I left at 12, I came back, and he had a nap, and then we spent the evening together, chilling, watching movies eating, how lovely. I am supportive of him having a good Football sunday, eating pizza, chilling out, then having a nap. AS LONG AS HE GETS UP AGAIN.

Then today. He got up at 7, I left at 12. My friends and cast members want to do a get together at one of their houses, a BBQ, a fun hangout, and both my husband and I are invited. I text him a few times, and suspect he is already sleeping. Then I text again saying ‘ Can we pleeeease go to ***’s house later tonight, it’ll be so much fun!’ then all I get an hour later when I am cycling home, ‘I am napping now babe.. Zzz..’ and ‘And I don’t really want to.. sorry’

Sitting on the couch again, watching him sleep again, – OF COURSE, I’m not that kind of woman that doesn’t go out because of it, I will, and I will make it fun. But our time together is kind of limited and I want to spend time with him, and I am frustrated and annoyed, and I want to strangle him. I might ask him what his ideal night would be tonight before I leave, and before I continue being pissed off. And I might need to cut him some slack. But fucks sake.

TELL ME, Am I being a dick?

What a way to wake up

I felt gentle stroking… Warm hands touching me gently, stroking my back and arms… I slowly woke up, stirred, kept still, enjoying the stroking…. Then I looked up. And I saw my husbands warm tanned face looking down at me. At first I quickly remembered that I was grumpy at him, and that I had sent him s complaining message at five in the morning since I hadn’t been able to sleep after our little arguement, while he was snoooooring away.

I rested my head back on the pillow again and remembered that I was on the couch and we had slept separately, as we sometimes do, when it gets too hot, but this was for a bad reason. He was still stroking me. Then he started saying; ” so what I hear you saying…” And he went through the whole communication thing that we had been practicing at the marriage councellor, just as I had asked in the message I sent. He gave me exactly what I wanted, he told me he understood and that he was sorry.

I thanked him and grabbed him and held him close… We cuddled for a while and I thought to myself that I was the luckiest wife in the world. Then he left for work… And I wormed myself over to the bed, went back to sleep.. Smiling…